Well the book is written and been published and is now available as a paperback and kindle book on Amazon.com. How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single might be a title that is confusing to some. I chose this title after one of the chapters in my book, thinking it had quite a catchy ring to it. What I never realised, was that many people would think that this book is about abstinence and promotes abstaining from sex. Of course, the majority of people do not want to abstain from sex! I am with them on that.
However, the chapter dealing with How to Say No to Sex is talking about the pitfalls of jumping straight into one-night stands and rebound relationships to try and restore your self-esteem after your relationship ends. Sex, frequent sex with a variety of partners, does not restore your self-esteem after a break-up. Believe me I know because I have been there and tried it. You just feel worse.
So I have included here a list of all the chapters in the book. The book is divided into four sections. Suddenly Single, Cleaning out the Closet, Picking up the pieces, and Facing the Future. If your relationship is in trouble or you have a friends who’s relationship has ended, you might want to think about recommending this book!
CONTENTS
SUDDENLY SINGLE
Expectations equal disappointment
Bad relationships
Cheating lying partners
Signs of depression
Binge/comfort eating
Hangover cures
End of a relationship
Addiction
Fear
Panic
Coping with criticism
Controlling Men
Low self-esteem
Dumping a guy
CLEANING OUT THE CLOSET
Cheating women friends
Sibling rivalry
Swinging
Procrastination
De-cluttering
Routine versus ritual
Conflict
Negativity versus being positive
Friends with benefits
Energy vampires
Potty mouth syndrome
Change life
Forgiveness
Rebound relationships
Killing gossip
PICKING UP THE PIECES
Integrating life and work
Working to a budget
Getting ready to date again
Getting in shape for sex
Sex styles
Survival tips
Surviving an affair
Accepting flaws
How to catch a man
Getting ex back
FACING THE FUTURE
Technology rules
How to say no to sex
Common mistakes made during sex
Practising safe sex
Dating
Communication
How to enjoy sex
Masturbation
Remain friends with ex
Lessons in love
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Friday, November 18, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single
Great news! I finally finished editing and doing the re-writes of How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single, and it's available on Amazon Kindle. It should be on the Sony e-reader, Nook and iPad in a couple of weeks. Paperback is still a month or two away.
If you've just broken up, been ditched or got divorced, then this book will be the one for you.
It's written in a light and easy-to-read style. There's a lot of practical advice and even some stuff to make you smile. If you have a friend who's just ended a relationship, then this would be good for you to recommend to her.
Love and Light,
Cindy
If you've just broken up, been ditched or got divorced, then this book will be the one for you.
It's written in a light and easy-to-read style. There's a lot of practical advice and even some stuff to make you smile. If you have a friend who's just ended a relationship, then this would be good for you to recommend to her.
Love and Light,
Cindy
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I blame you
How often in life do we hear those words and accept the blame for something we never did? This morning, after taking my son to the airport, and feeling sad as I'd only see him again in 5 months' time, my 14 year old daughter turned to me and said, "I think I'm getting a cold. Do you think I should swim today during PE?"
"Yes," I replied, still thinking about my son I had just said goodbye to.
"Well," she replied in a very mean tone, "If I get very sick because I'm swimmimng today, then I blame you. If I drown because I can't breathe through my nose while swimming, then I blame you."
My first reaction was to tell her that if she drowned she wouldn't be blaming anybody. My second thought was, if you breathe through your nose while swimming, you will drown. I can't accept the blame for that. breathing through your nose while swimming would just be your own stupidity. But I refrained from giving an answer. I decided to use the 'ignore' treatment. It usually works with her. About 5 minutes later she tried to engage in conversation. I ignored her. Eventually, in a timid voice, she asked if I was mad with her.
"Yes," short weet, very abrupt.
I should have communicated more. Explained that it is not okay to blame somebody like that. But, my heart was sad after saying goodbye to my son, who never blames me for anything. I drove the rest of the way home in silence, seething with resentment. I should have spoken up. But, should of and could have mean nothing. I didn't say anything.
Tonight, my goal is to speak to my daughter and explain that it is not on to always blame others. She never accepts the blame. It is always someone else's fault. If someone is always blaming you and trying to load you with guilt. say no. Do not accept the blame for things you haven't done.
Have a great 'blame-free' weekend!
"Yes," I replied, still thinking about my son I had just said goodbye to.
"Well," she replied in a very mean tone, "If I get very sick because I'm swimmimng today, then I blame you. If I drown because I can't breathe through my nose while swimming, then I blame you."
My first reaction was to tell her that if she drowned she wouldn't be blaming anybody. My second thought was, if you breathe through your nose while swimming, you will drown. I can't accept the blame for that. breathing through your nose while swimming would just be your own stupidity. But I refrained from giving an answer. I decided to use the 'ignore' treatment. It usually works with her. About 5 minutes later she tried to engage in conversation. I ignored her. Eventually, in a timid voice, she asked if I was mad with her.
"Yes," short weet, very abrupt.
I should have communicated more. Explained that it is not okay to blame somebody like that. But, my heart was sad after saying goodbye to my son, who never blames me for anything. I drove the rest of the way home in silence, seething with resentment. I should have spoken up. But, should of and could have mean nothing. I didn't say anything.
Tonight, my goal is to speak to my daughter and explain that it is not on to always blame others. She never accepts the blame. It is always someone else's fault. If someone is always blaming you and trying to load you with guilt. say no. Do not accept the blame for things you haven't done.
Have a great 'blame-free' weekend!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Choosing the right friends is not always easy
To have a friend you must first be a friend
My mother once bought my daughter a large poster to put above her bed that said, "To have a friend, you must first be a friend." How apt is that? That little saying has stayed with me all these years. What you put out into the universe is what you get back. If you gossip about others, they'll gossip about you. Okay, they'll probably gossip about you regardless, that might not have been a good example. But if you show all the qualities of being a good friend, then people will show the same back to you. Seriously, it does work. If you are a mean old cussedly bitch, criticise everybody and everything, people are going to stay away from you. Who wants to be friends with a moaning whingebag? If you are sociable, people generally tend to gravitate towards you. So, I'd have to say that for me the top quality required, is to be a good friend first. Show the other mugs how it's done. Let them reflect your goodness.
Honesty
A genuine friend is someone who doesn't lie to you. If something's bugging them, and you say, "What's cooking Dude?" and they reply, "Nothing my little petal," and you can see something is bothering them. Then they're not being honest. Friends should feel comfortable enough with each other to share their feelings, unhappiness, thoughts, ideas, and all that kind of mumbo jumbo stuff. If another so-called friend is bad-mouthing you behind your back, a genuine friend will come and tell you and help you to work out a plan of revenge. If your revenge plan is a little out of whack, a good friend should be honest enough to tell you that your plan sucks big time. And if your friend is honest with you and you don't like what they say, don't pick up the cast iron frying pan and hit them over the head, because that is just not nice.
Loyalty
A true friend remains loyal during times of stress and strife. They don't take a knife and go for the jugular and jump on the bandwagon with all the other simple-minded weak-willed friends. A good friend will stand by you whatever the circumstances. Of course, you need to practise showing loyalty yourself. When your friend finds themselves in a spot of bother, stay loyal and true to them. Don't lift up your skirt, remove your stilettos and sprint off into the sunset never to return. Otherwise, they'll do the same to you.
Make sacrifices
A simply awesome amazing super duper friend, will even make sacrifices for you. When you're a bit skint and payday is only a week away, they might advance you some much-needed money to pay your electricity bill. Always make sure you pay them back before leaving town, as they'll think twice about sacrificing their beer money for you again. Making sacrifices for each other is what compromising and being flexible is all about. If you want to go to see Harry Twatter and your friend wants to see Goldilocks and the Three Bare Boys, one of you has to sacrifice what you want to be able to reach a compromise. Just a little tip. Don't always make your friend be the one to make the sacrifices. Sometimes it's quite spiritual to make sacrifices yourself. You feel good about yourself then. Okay, if they need one of your kidneys, that might be taking it a bit far. But it would be great if they gave you one of their kidneys when you needed it. Or their liver, lungs or heart.
Kindness
A good friend is always kind and shares. Generosity is very important. If they sit at the movies and don't share their popcorn or box of Maltezers, then they are not showing the quality of kindness. If they accidentally start to goosestep and kick your mangy little maltese poodle mutt with each step, then they are not showing kindness to animals. If they can't be kind to your dog, chances are, they can't be kind to you. People can show kindness in many ways. Not necessarily giving money to the legless cross-eyed lesbian in a wheelchair begging at the traffic lights. Being kind can be something simple like not joining in when a group of friends are analysing and dissecting an absent friend. If both you and your friend need to pee urgently and there's only one available toilet, then an act of kindness would be to let the other person go first while you just bravely clamp your legs and your teeth shut tightly. Someone who is mean to others, might not show kindness to you should you find yourself in a situation when you really need an act of kindness.
Helpful
A good friend is not one who tells you that the meal you slaved over for hours tasted good and then they leave or sit and watch TV while you slave over the dishes. A good friend is one who helps with the washing up. A good friend won't sit with a smirk or smug expression while you struggle alone. They'll leave their comfort zone and help out. Basically, a good friend knows when it's time to help and time to support.
Supportive
If you think of yourself as a double D boob, without support of a bra, that boob will droop down to your belly button, and even your knees, so that you kick them while you walk. Now, while that might help a soccer player practising ball control, that is of no use to you. You need that bra to support those pendulous sagging boobs. Just like your boobs need a bra, you need a supportive friend who'll be there when the going gets tough, through thick and thin. You don't want a friend, that when the going gets tough, they leave. A supportive friend counsels you, sets you up with a hot date, and lends you their car if you don't have one to go on the date. A supportive friend will meet you at the airport when you get back from an amazing holiday in Zanzibar while they've been working 9 to 5 in a dreary office with coffee rings on the desks.
Share interests
A great friend is someone who shares the same interests as you. It would be pointless going on and on about how exciting a game of golf is, when your friend can't see the point of smacking the shit out of a little dimpled white ball that did nothing to you, and then walking bloody miles to find it. The same as if you are crazy about spending a Saturday afternoon shopping with friends and having a cappuccino and cheesecake at Starbucks with all your shopping bags, and your friend gets the jitters when someone says the word shopping, breaks out in a rash and starts gnashing their teeth, they wouldn't share your shopping interest with you and would be no fun at all. Fun is very important. However, it is not recommended to have too much fun sharing the same sexual partner. Sharing a love interest will only end in tears.
Respect
A friend who treats you and speaks to you like you are the piece of dog doo stuck under their shoe is not worth having as a friend at all. They need to respect your views and opinions, respect your space, just generally respecting who you are. A friend is not showing respect when they try to change you into something you're not. A friend who does not allow you alone time and is constantly invading your space is being disrespectful. Remember, you need to show respect first, to gain respect.
Trust
Trust is mega-important as a quality. If you can't trust your friend with your confidences and secrets, then they aren't a very good friend at all. If you are scared to leave your handbag lying around as you believe that your friend might swipe some of your hard-earned cash from your Prada wallet, then they are not trustworthy and no point in having around as a friend. You have to be able to trust that your friend has your best interests at heart all the time, and won't step on you to achieve their own ends. You have to be able to trust that your friend will build you up when you are down. If there is no trust, and you are constantly on guard and suspicious, looking for signs that you are being used and abused, then trust is definitely lacking.
Remember, you yourself need to show all these qualities first and be a good friend yourself, before you can expect people to show these qualities back to you in return.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
What is cocooning and why do we do it?
Cocooning is a home furnishing trend?
Chatting to my eldest daughter at lunch one day, just before I broke her finger in the car door, I asked her about her hectic social life. Looking at her Facebook pics, as you do from time to time because you're her mother, tells me that her life is just one big party. "Actually," she replied with a mouth full of artichoke pizza, "I'm cocooning at present. I decided not to go to a big party last night and elected to rather stay home by myself and watch dvds."
"Cocooning?" I asked with a confuddled expression on my face. "What on earth is cocooning?" Immediately, images of silkworm cocoons in an aquarium tank came to mind. I thought that maybe she had taken up a new hobby and was busy spinning and weaving silk threads from cocoons.
My daughter gave me her exasperated, 'can't believe my mom is so dumb' look. "I've been a bit wild and partied a lot, now all I want is some quiet time with myself. I have no desire to go out and be with people. That's what I call cocooning, when I shut myself off from everybody for a while. I go into my cocoon."
"Oh," I said nodding my head with understanding as I took a sip from my diet coke, "Cocooning." I thought back to a time when I was supposed to go to a big 'leaving Nanjing' party around the corner from where I live, and how my bed and the live rugby game on my macbook seemed more of a drawcard, so I stayed home and didn't go. "Actually, I think I'm cocooning at the moment as well."
On my return home, and to take my mind off my daughter's bloodied finger which was in the way when I slammed the car door shut, I immediately researched 'cocooning' to find out if it was a common practice or a new phenomena. I realised, that it was something I'd been doing for years and my daughter probably learnt it from me.
The word 'cocooning' was first identified as a trend in the late 80's early 90's by an author called Faith Popcorn, in her book 'The Popcorn Report
: The Future of Your Company, Your World, Your Life.' She basically looked at society and saw that people were going out less as they were cocooning in their homes because work was busy, hectic, and the news in the papers and on TV told them that it’s dangerous to be anywhere but safely ensconced in their castle. This started a whole new trend in the manufacturing of home appliances, home furnishings and electronics. Home theatres, the internet, bars, coffee filter machines, dining room tables that convert into pool tables - all of these made staying at home and entertaining friends far easier (and less expensive) than going out on the town.Faith Popcorn
suggested that cocooning could be broken down into three different types: the socialized cocoon - that's where you stay home and entertain there; the armoured cocoon - that's where you surround yourself with guard dogs or top notch security systems; and the wandering cocoon - where you go outside but shut yourself off from the world around you by covering your ears with a headphone listening to a walkman, now it would be an ipod or mp3. However, I'm not sure that that's what my daughter meant by 'cocooning.' Because, although with the socialized cocoon you are staying home, you are still entertaining and interacting with other people.I want to be alone
Many years ago, the old actress Greta Garbo's famous tagline was, "I want to be alone." Nowdays, it's the band Green Day who sing, "I want to be alone." Let's face it, Faith Popcorn's views on cocooning aside, we cocoon when we want to be alone. We want quality 'Me-Time.' We can choose to contact people via sms or the internet during our alone time, if that is our desire. But, we choose not to socialize with people in real time, face to face. Virtual interaction is okay, but even then, many times we ignore emails, sms and don't turn on our chat. It's not because we have an antisocial
personality. It's not because we are having panic attacks and are in danger of becoming agoraphobic
. It's because at that particular time in our life, on that particular day, we need our own space. We want to be alone. There is nothing wrong with anybody for needing that alone time. There is no need to call the men in white jackets to come and carry you away in a straight jacket. In fact, being alone is actually good for your soul.Why do we sometimes have the desire to be alone?
Humans are social creatures, that is true. But, when you are under stress, when you have a lot on your mind, when you've had a hard day at work, when you are mentally tired, when you have financial hardships, when you have disappointments, when you have hard decisions to make, when your job involves you interacting with people day in and day out, 40 hours a week - then the last thing on your mind is a night out with friends where you are required to be entertaining and make sparkling conversation. At that time in your life, you just can't be bothered. Being nice to people is hard work, especially if you have had to be nice to idiots all day. At times like that, the peace and quiet of your own room or house is Utopia.
Going out somewhere means having to shower, get all dressed up, maybe put on make-up
, wash and dry your hair, all of which isn't exactly fun if you're not in the mood and feeling a little irritable or tired. Going out for dinner which is often overpriced and not as good as what you can cook at home, drinking copious amounts of alcohol which adds up, ends up costing you a fortune at the end of the night and causes you to wake up feeling like a train wreck the next morning, makes you wonder if going out is worth it. I'm not too keen on going out during the work week, as I have to wake up at 6am every morning, and waking up with a throbbing head and a thick rubbery tongue and breath that smells like a cross between a brewery and a skunk that crawled in there and died, is no longer an option for me. Maybe I'm just getting old.Sometimes, your friends might not understand that you are cocooning. They'll bombard you with texts, phonecalls and emails encouraging you to get out and overcome your depression. What they don't realise, is that you are not depressed. You just want time alone to do the things you enjoy and love, without boundaries, restrictions or their input. Be honest and tell your friends, you need to go into your cocoon for a few days and you'll be missing in action for a while. You'll call them when you are ready to leave your cocoon.
We cocoon when we want to reflect on our lives and think about the path we need to take for our future. During this period of introspection, we can grow and develop as we learn to like ourselves and accept who we are. In fact, cocooning should be made compulsory for everyone in a relationship and everyone who has finished school. Teenagers use their ipod
s and mp3's to cocoon as they shut out the rest of the world and are alone with their thoughts and their music.A cocoon is quite comfortable and you might relish being unmotivated to do anything. It's almost a case of 'sometimes I just sits and sometimes I sits and thinks.' Cocooning
makes me feel quite free and independent as I'll dictate when I'm ready to leave my cocoon and be part of the social whirl and twirl again. Cocooning is great. You should try it sometime. Just give yourself space to be....well, be yourself..
Friday, December 11, 2009
How to say NO to sex
Okay, this is a bit of a tongue in cheek post! Hey, we don't always have to be serious, do we?
Saying no when you are already in an intimate relationship
There's something about sex that makes it a very sensitive issue. Let's face it, for some reason or other, there are times, very occasional, when we are not in the mood for some death defying act of intimacy. It doesn't matter how handsome or beautiful our partner, or how turned on they might be - there are just those moments when we do not feel the same way. Albeit from a long hard day at work, or because we have other things on our mind, the fact remains, sometimes we are just not up for it. How to say no at those times is actually more difficult than it seems, because sex is just so personal and people tend to take rejection so personally. I can remember once, when my husband was very keen and saying no was probably not an option at that time, I started to sing "Not in the mood, da da da dada, not in the mood, da da da dada!" Luckily, he saw the funny side and started to laugh, his pointed keeness disappeared, and all ended well. That time.
However, it might not always end well. There's something about getting an erection that seems to get a man's testosterone pumping, and they are not always ameniable to "no" at such a time. Some get angry, some get the sulks, so most women give in and give them what they want, even if they are so not in the mood that they are drier than the Sahara Desert in the middle of a heat wave in summer down in their nether regions. The man doesn't worry, he just wants to get his rocks off. Don't let him tell you it's all about love. Because it's not. Sex is an animal thing, it's nothing to do with love. Love is bringing you breakfast in bed and supporting you when you're stressed. Sex is all about getting your end away. It's just a game of 'hide the salami' and you can say "no." But you need to try and say "no" in a way that'll make him smile. (By the way, I'm not really intending to be sexually discriminatory here. It's just that a man doesn't have to verbally say "no." All he has to do is keep his little dried floral arrangement hanging as one flaccid soft on, and the woman will soon get the message that he's not in the mood. Yeah, who said life was fair.)
So, instead of the overused, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache," try one of the following:
1.Fart loudly as they cuddle up to you.
2.Jump out of bed, race to the bathroom and pretend to get sick.
3.Start gagging when they try and kiss you.
4.Pretend to go down to give a blow job, and then start coughing and spluttering all over their privates.
5.Ask if they have some sandpaper as you have a vaginal itch that simple scratching cannot alleviate.
6.Pretend that they have such bad body odour that you're almost passing out from the smell.
7.Start snoring loudly the minute your head hits the pillow.
8.Pick up a magazine and start flipping through the pages and feign disinterest in any attempt they might try to get intimate.
9.Accidentally pour a glass of cold water on their rod of iron.
10.Pour some water on the bed and say, "Oops, I just wet the bed."
11.Fake an orgasm before they even get started.
12.Ask, "Is it in yet?"
13.Start nagging about something they haven't done that they were supposed to have done.
14.Stare up at the ceiling and whistle tunelessly.
15.If all else fails, lie back and think of England.
Saying NO when you're on a date
Of course, this all depends on whether you'd like to see the person again or not, as to how you should deter amorous advances of the intimate kind. If you really do like the person, but it's more that you're not ready for sex or want to hold out until you get married, or prefer to know the person longer than five minutes before you get down and dirty, then sometimes honesty is the best policy. Explain your reasons for not wanting to play 'hide the salami' on the first date. You usually have a 50% chance of seeing the guy again. Unfortunately, there are so many others who put out, and if all the guy is looking for is a good time, they'll keep looking until they get it. Maybe you don't want to hurt their feelings and say "no", or maybe you said "no" and they thought you were just being funny and really meant "yes." What can you do to avoid committing the dastardly deed? What can you do to avoid sex?
So instead of the overused, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me," you can try the following:
1.When they drop their boxers, point and laugh hysterically.
2.When they reveal their little member, ask, "Is that all there is?"
3.Say, "Omigod, I have throw-up in my mouth!"
4."I'm just waiting for the results of my AIDS check. Can't believe my ex just found out he has AIDS."
5."Do you also have Herpes?"
6. "I always wanted to have a baby!"
7."I'm mentally a fifteen year old so if you have sex with me it'll be a felony."
8."I'm not drunk enough to find you a turn on."
9."Sorry, not that desperate."
10."I've always preferred older experienced men, like your father."
11."Is that your cologne I'm allergic to, or is it just you that's making me sneeze?"
12."You'll never earn enough money to pay for what I've got here."
13."Is Herpes catchy?"
14."Will sex cure a chronic vaginal itch?"
15."Sorry, no time for fun tonight, I have to bleach my pubic hair."
16."Can my mother watch to see if I'm doing it right?"
17."My Dad is so protective. He smashed up my ex-boyfriend's car."
18.Give him a giant condom and laugh hysterically when it's too big for his little member.
19.And if all else fails, "I am having such a heavy period this month, sex with me will be like a bloodbath in the worst horror movie ever."
Saying no when you are already in an intimate relationship
There's something about sex that makes it a very sensitive issue. Let's face it, for some reason or other, there are times, very occasional, when we are not in the mood for some death defying act of intimacy. It doesn't matter how handsome or beautiful our partner, or how turned on they might be - there are just those moments when we do not feel the same way. Albeit from a long hard day at work, or because we have other things on our mind, the fact remains, sometimes we are just not up for it. How to say no at those times is actually more difficult than it seems, because sex is just so personal and people tend to take rejection so personally. I can remember once, when my husband was very keen and saying no was probably not an option at that time, I started to sing "Not in the mood, da da da dada, not in the mood, da da da dada!" Luckily, he saw the funny side and started to laugh, his pointed keeness disappeared, and all ended well. That time.
However, it might not always end well. There's something about getting an erection that seems to get a man's testosterone pumping, and they are not always ameniable to "no" at such a time. Some get angry, some get the sulks, so most women give in and give them what they want, even if they are so not in the mood that they are drier than the Sahara Desert in the middle of a heat wave in summer down in their nether regions. The man doesn't worry, he just wants to get his rocks off. Don't let him tell you it's all about love. Because it's not. Sex is an animal thing, it's nothing to do with love. Love is bringing you breakfast in bed and supporting you when you're stressed. Sex is all about getting your end away. It's just a game of 'hide the salami' and you can say "no." But you need to try and say "no" in a way that'll make him smile. (By the way, I'm not really intending to be sexually discriminatory here. It's just that a man doesn't have to verbally say "no." All he has to do is keep his little dried floral arrangement hanging as one flaccid soft on, and the woman will soon get the message that he's not in the mood. Yeah, who said life was fair.)
So, instead of the overused, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache," try one of the following:
1.Fart loudly as they cuddle up to you.
2.Jump out of bed, race to the bathroom and pretend to get sick.
3.Start gagging when they try and kiss you.
4.Pretend to go down to give a blow job, and then start coughing and spluttering all over their privates.
5.Ask if they have some sandpaper as you have a vaginal itch that simple scratching cannot alleviate.
6.Pretend that they have such bad body odour that you're almost passing out from the smell.
7.Start snoring loudly the minute your head hits the pillow.
8.Pick up a magazine and start flipping through the pages and feign disinterest in any attempt they might try to get intimate.
9.Accidentally pour a glass of cold water on their rod of iron.
10.Pour some water on the bed and say, "Oops, I just wet the bed."
11.Fake an orgasm before they even get started.
12.Ask, "Is it in yet?"
13.Start nagging about something they haven't done that they were supposed to have done.
14.Stare up at the ceiling and whistle tunelessly.
15.If all else fails, lie back and think of England.
Saying NO when you're on a date
Of course, this all depends on whether you'd like to see the person again or not, as to how you should deter amorous advances of the intimate kind. If you really do like the person, but it's more that you're not ready for sex or want to hold out until you get married, or prefer to know the person longer than five minutes before you get down and dirty, then sometimes honesty is the best policy. Explain your reasons for not wanting to play 'hide the salami' on the first date. You usually have a 50% chance of seeing the guy again. Unfortunately, there are so many others who put out, and if all the guy is looking for is a good time, they'll keep looking until they get it. Maybe you don't want to hurt their feelings and say "no", or maybe you said "no" and they thought you were just being funny and really meant "yes." What can you do to avoid committing the dastardly deed? What can you do to avoid sex?
So instead of the overused, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me," you can try the following:
1.When they drop their boxers, point and laugh hysterically.
2.When they reveal their little member, ask, "Is that all there is?"
3.Say, "Omigod, I have throw-up in my mouth!"
4."I'm just waiting for the results of my AIDS check. Can't believe my ex just found out he has AIDS."
5."Do you also have Herpes?"
6. "I always wanted to have a baby!"
7."I'm mentally a fifteen year old so if you have sex with me it'll be a felony."
8."I'm not drunk enough to find you a turn on."
9."Sorry, not that desperate."
10."I've always preferred older experienced men, like your father."
11."Is that your cologne I'm allergic to, or is it just you that's making me sneeze?"
12."You'll never earn enough money to pay for what I've got here."
13."Is Herpes catchy?"
14."Will sex cure a chronic vaginal itch?"
15."Sorry, no time for fun tonight, I have to bleach my pubic hair."
16."Can my mother watch to see if I'm doing it right?"
17."My Dad is so protective. He smashed up my ex-boyfriend's car."
18.Give him a giant condom and laugh hysterically when it's too big for his little member.
19.And if all else fails, "I am having such a heavy period this month, sex with me will be like a bloodbath in the worst horror movie ever."
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The Blame Game
The Blame Game
Adam must have an Eve, to blame for his own faults.
German Proverb
Blame is the lazy man’s wages.
Danish Proverb
People who blame others have perfected the art of ‘scapegoating’. Deep inside they believe that they are above reproach and they will lash out at anybody who criticises them and they’ll sacrifice whoever or whatever who tries to dent their self-image. They might tell you that they only did it for your own good, or they were trying to help or save you from yourself. The worst part, is that they get indignant when you don’t show proper thanks for what they did.
Blame is just a defense mechanism. The pain each person feels is real to them, and it’s often very painful to take responsibility for something that goes wrong or doesn’t work out. The only way out of playing the Blame Game, is to change your thinking and start taking responsibility for your actions, accept your past and learn to forgive others. It’s no good holding onto past hurts and using them as convenient excuses from time to time.
It is completely normal for someone with lots of fears, to believe that everything they feel is somebody else’s fault. We don’t want to take responsibility for our own fears. The Blame Game really gets into a higher gear, when each partner starts blaming the other for everything wrong in their lives. Their relationship becomes like a war zone, with each one sniping at the other. “I had a bad childhood, so I can’t help the way I am. If you were more understanding about that, then you wouldn’t force me to behave badly!”
That often results in the other partner sniping back, “Your bad behaviour has caused me to feel badly about myself and to think I’m worthless. Therefore, I’m too scared to think for myself and that’s your fault!” Of course in reality, the language they use might not be as savory as the language I used. Regardless of that, you cannot win in the Blame Game. Resentment, fear, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, anger – are all by-products of this game.
People who rush into rebound relationships after a break-up, are also playing the Blame Game. This isn’t really fair on the new partner who is usually an innocent Victim in the Game. Rebound relationships are just the hurt partner’s way of saying, “I wasn’t at fault for the break-up. Look, someone else wants me now. I am lovable and desirable after all, so the fact the relationship didn’t work out has got to be all your fault!”
That’s the beauty of always blaming others, we just blame everything bad that happens on someone else. That way we stay perfect because it’s never our fault. My youngest daughter is already a good player of this Game. A good example, and one that seems to happen quite often, is her bringing me a mug of coffee she made for me. My son, as usual, will be clowning around in the room. She’ll look at him and spill some coffee on the floor. Immediately, before anybody can even say anything, she’ll start shouting at him for making her spill the coffee. How did he do that? He was on the other side of the room at the time! My daughter’ll tell you, that he made her look at him, so therefore her spilling the coffee is solely his fault. She’s very clever. If she does something wrong, she’ll always react immediately with anger at all and sundry. She gets in first with the angry outburst, blaming others at the top of her voice, and that serves to take the attention away from what she did wrong. Unfortunately for her, we are all on to her, so she doesn’t get away with the Game she’s playing. Hopefully, she’ll eventually realise her strategy doesn’t work and will start accepting the responsibility for the things she does. At the moment though, her Blame Game is all about – ‘Look what you made me do!’
Other people are just as cunning, if not more. Steve used to push my friend Angela’s buttons, until she couldn’t take it anymore, so she would react emotionally, often with a huge outburst. His instigating, button-pushing and winding her up would be so subtle, that other people around her wouldn’t notice it. They would, however, notice Angela’s reaction, and they would sympathise with Steve for having such an ‘out-of-control’ wife. Steve would then have an excuse to physically ‘restrain’ Angela, as he was ‘worried’ she might harm herself. The sad thing, was that everybody agreed that the bruises Angela got every time Steve had to restrain her, was her fault. Even a therapist they saw, said that as long as Steve’s actions continued to arise out of good intentions, then it was okay! Steve managed to blame Angela for his bad behaviour, and he’s still getting away with it!
You have to remember, that people abuse or use you because there is something wrong with them. You haven’t done or said anything wrong – the problem lies with them. Basically, they have a low self-esteem. They don’t like themselves, and rather than trying to change what they don’t like, they make others take the responsibility for their behaviour when they lay the blame on them. Deep down, they know you don’t deserve it, so they hate themselves all the more for hurting you, so it’s all your fault that you make them hate themselves – it’s just a vicious cycle they can’t seem to break. Eventually over a period of time, they actually start believing it is all your fault, because that makes them feel as if they haven’t done anything wrong. You can’t try and explain things to them, or lay a guilt trip on them. In their eyes, they have done no wrong, so you are just wasting your breath.
Often, we blame others for holding us back. We might say, “If it weren’t for you …” or “If I didn’t have children, I would…” We use other people as a convenient excuse to avoid doing something. It’s easier to just give up, avoid taking that risk or making that decision, and putting the blame squarely on someone else.
A great example of this is Jason. (The poor man must surely be feeling his ears burning by now.) I can remember Jason wanting to buy a Mercedes Benz. As I was the only one bringing in an income, I told him we couldn’t afford it and had no need for it. Our Volkswagen was just fine for our family. Jason refused to accept the fact that we just could not afford a Mercedes. He tried many strategies to persuade me to let him trade in my Volkswagen for that Mercedes. First, he would introduce the fact that he just ‘happened to drive past the car yard and the Mercedes was still there – unsold, must be a sign’ into every conversation. When that didn’t pique my interest, I would have to hear how they let him take it for a test drive and it had the quietest motor ever. He went on and on about the Mercedes, and what a great deal they offered him on it. I stayed firm and held on to my “No, we can’t afford it.” When these tactics failed, the Blame Game started in all seriousness.
“You don’t want me to succeed in my life. You don’t want me to have anything better than you. You always have to be the best. You have to always be in control and the only successful member of the family. I could have been somebody if it wasn’t for you always holding me back to make you look good!” This was often accompanied by temper tantrums and things been thrown around and a helluva lot of swearing. At me naturally, because I was the bad person here. I took all of that blame and abuse, because I knew that we just could not afford that car.
His next attack, was that the reason he couldn’t sell any offshore investments and get commission so he could contribute to the family table, was because he didn’t drive a car befitting a successful businessman. His logic was, that if he drove around in a Mercedes, then people would see that he was successful, so then they would do business with him. Therefore, it was my fault that he didn’t contribute to the family income, as I wouldn’t let him drive a car befitting a successful businessman.
Then he changed tack. He told me that he hadn’t wanted to alarm me, or cause me worry, but the cylinder head in the Volkswagen had a huge crack in it, and he was expecting the engine to seize or the car to conk out and give up the ghost at any time. Not being a Petrolhead, I didn’t know what to look for in the engine to see whether or not he was telling the truth. I suspected that his story was all bullshit, but by this time I was so tired and exasperated with the whole car saga, that like a dumb mug, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and….yes. I relented.
Jason never explained the details of the great deal he had organised, to me and I stupidly assumed it was just the normal kind of Hire Purchase deal he had arranged. Well, what eventually came out, was that he used my Volkswagen as a deposit, and told them that he was a high earner and would pay 10 000 the one month and 15 000 the next. Just for the record, I was only earning 2 500 a month at the time! Needless to say, he never paid them a cent bar the initial deposit with my car as trade-in, and they repossessed the Mercedes the third month that he had it. My Volkswagen that was used as a deposit was lost in the deal that never was, and we were completely carless. The final straw, was when Jason turned to me after they took the car away, and said, “This is all your fault. If you had had the balls to stand up to me and say no, then this wouldn’t have happened!”
I have to say, that sometimes I think you can’t win. It’s like – you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. As you can well imagine, this little incident wasn’t very good for our marriage at all. Things got worse when I came home with a car I bought from a tax refund. Jason’s reaction was the classic, “Well what can I say? You are a better man than I’ll ever be!”
Serial Cheaters and Blame
Serial Cheaters thrive on playing the Blame Game. It gives them a reason to do what they’re doing, so it gets them ‘off the hook’. Because you do realise, that they’ll believe that what they’re doing is never their fault. They don’t get enough sex or attention at home, so they are ‘forced’ to go out elsewhere and find it. It’s not their fault they are forced to cheat! So the moral of the story is, don’t kill yourself trying to make someone happy who keeps finding ways to lay all the blame on you when they cheat. The same as, if you decide to stay with them and keep giving them chance after chance, then that is a choice you’ve made, and you can’t one day turn around and blame anyone for the choices you made. How often do you hear from friends, “I only stayed with him/her for the sake of the children.” What utter bullshit! How dare you blame the children, for you staying in a loveless unhappy relationship! You only stay in that relationship, because you are too scared to leave for whatever reason. The children are just an excuse, because reality shows that children adapt easily and are far happier in a loving happy home, than a home with unconcealed anger and resentment bouncing off the walls in every room. Children are not stupid just because they are young. No matter how hard their parents might try to disguise and hide their relationship problems, children always sense when things aren’t right and are very aware of what is going on.
Cheaters are quite predictable, because if they have done it more than once in the past, they’ll continue to do it in the future. Don’t ignore it and just hope that things will work out. Be honest, tell them what you don’t like and if they aren’t prepared to fix it, then you have to decide if you can live with it or not. If living with it makes you desperately unhappy, then move on. Remember, fix the problem and not the blame.
When you fall in love with an idea
Martin was devastated when he came home early one day, and found Cathy in bed with another man. He felt no less devastated, when he caught her a second time and then a third. Cathy blamed him for her infidelities. It was his fault because he was often too tired to pay her the attention she needed because he worked so hard. Martin started watching Cathy like a hawk, coming home at odd times, phoning to check she was home and alone. Cathy started accusing Martin of being a control-freak and would lose her rag and stomp out of the room when he questioned her about her activities. She told Martin he was being paranoid whenever he asked her if she still saw other men. Eventually, Cathy started getting aggressive and would pick up objects and throw them at Martin, or throw them at windows and break them. Martin started getting nervous and stopped asking Cathy questions, as he was scared of upsetting her and putting her in an aggressive mood. He started to believe that he was guilty of wrecking the relationship. Months of constantly being told his paranoia and being overly sensitive was going to push her into relationships with other men if he didn’t drop it, finally took their toll. Martin ended the relationship.
Martin realised that he fell in love with an idea – a fantasy that was backed up by things Cathy had promised initially. When Cathy’s actions contradicted his fantasy, he would start questioning her and that would lead to both parties playing the Blame Game. Paranoia and blame became the pattern of their relationship. Martin missed what he wanted to have in the relationship – the idea, his fantasy – what he kept hanging in there for and never had. Now, Martin has problems dealing with the demise of their relationship, because Cathy never took responsibility for her actions, and always put the blame for everything solely on Martin’s shoulders.
It’s amazing how constant blame can eat into our self-esteem, until we actually believe that we are responsible. Recognise blame for what it is and stop taking responsibility for others’ actions. When you stick to your guns and keep to your limits, you can be accused of being vindictive. So what? That is their problem, not yours.
Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.
Excerpt from my book, Fear, Phobias and frozen Feet.
Read my article on Common mistakes men make during sex http://hubpages.com/hub/Common-mistakes-made-by-men-during-sex
Adam must have an Eve, to blame for his own faults.
German Proverb
Blame is the lazy man’s wages.
Danish Proverb
People who blame others have perfected the art of ‘scapegoating’. Deep inside they believe that they are above reproach and they will lash out at anybody who criticises them and they’ll sacrifice whoever or whatever who tries to dent their self-image. They might tell you that they only did it for your own good, or they were trying to help or save you from yourself. The worst part, is that they get indignant when you don’t show proper thanks for what they did.
Blame is just a defense mechanism. The pain each person feels is real to them, and it’s often very painful to take responsibility for something that goes wrong or doesn’t work out. The only way out of playing the Blame Game, is to change your thinking and start taking responsibility for your actions, accept your past and learn to forgive others. It’s no good holding onto past hurts and using them as convenient excuses from time to time.
It is completely normal for someone with lots of fears, to believe that everything they feel is somebody else’s fault. We don’t want to take responsibility for our own fears. The Blame Game really gets into a higher gear, when each partner starts blaming the other for everything wrong in their lives. Their relationship becomes like a war zone, with each one sniping at the other. “I had a bad childhood, so I can’t help the way I am. If you were more understanding about that, then you wouldn’t force me to behave badly!”
That often results in the other partner sniping back, “Your bad behaviour has caused me to feel badly about myself and to think I’m worthless. Therefore, I’m too scared to think for myself and that’s your fault!” Of course in reality, the language they use might not be as savory as the language I used. Regardless of that, you cannot win in the Blame Game. Resentment, fear, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, anger – are all by-products of this game.
People who rush into rebound relationships after a break-up, are also playing the Blame Game. This isn’t really fair on the new partner who is usually an innocent Victim in the Game. Rebound relationships are just the hurt partner’s way of saying, “I wasn’t at fault for the break-up. Look, someone else wants me now. I am lovable and desirable after all, so the fact the relationship didn’t work out has got to be all your fault!”
That’s the beauty of always blaming others, we just blame everything bad that happens on someone else. That way we stay perfect because it’s never our fault. My youngest daughter is already a good player of this Game. A good example, and one that seems to happen quite often, is her bringing me a mug of coffee she made for me. My son, as usual, will be clowning around in the room. She’ll look at him and spill some coffee on the floor. Immediately, before anybody can even say anything, she’ll start shouting at him for making her spill the coffee. How did he do that? He was on the other side of the room at the time! My daughter’ll tell you, that he made her look at him, so therefore her spilling the coffee is solely his fault. She’s very clever. If she does something wrong, she’ll always react immediately with anger at all and sundry. She gets in first with the angry outburst, blaming others at the top of her voice, and that serves to take the attention away from what she did wrong. Unfortunately for her, we are all on to her, so she doesn’t get away with the Game she’s playing. Hopefully, she’ll eventually realise her strategy doesn’t work and will start accepting the responsibility for the things she does. At the moment though, her Blame Game is all about – ‘Look what you made me do!’
Other people are just as cunning, if not more. Steve used to push my friend Angela’s buttons, until she couldn’t take it anymore, so she would react emotionally, often with a huge outburst. His instigating, button-pushing and winding her up would be so subtle, that other people around her wouldn’t notice it. They would, however, notice Angela’s reaction, and they would sympathise with Steve for having such an ‘out-of-control’ wife. Steve would then have an excuse to physically ‘restrain’ Angela, as he was ‘worried’ she might harm herself. The sad thing, was that everybody agreed that the bruises Angela got every time Steve had to restrain her, was her fault. Even a therapist they saw, said that as long as Steve’s actions continued to arise out of good intentions, then it was okay! Steve managed to blame Angela for his bad behaviour, and he’s still getting away with it!
You have to remember, that people abuse or use you because there is something wrong with them. You haven’t done or said anything wrong – the problem lies with them. Basically, they have a low self-esteem. They don’t like themselves, and rather than trying to change what they don’t like, they make others take the responsibility for their behaviour when they lay the blame on them. Deep down, they know you don’t deserve it, so they hate themselves all the more for hurting you, so it’s all your fault that you make them hate themselves – it’s just a vicious cycle they can’t seem to break. Eventually over a period of time, they actually start believing it is all your fault, because that makes them feel as if they haven’t done anything wrong. You can’t try and explain things to them, or lay a guilt trip on them. In their eyes, they have done no wrong, so you are just wasting your breath.
Often, we blame others for holding us back. We might say, “If it weren’t for you …” or “If I didn’t have children, I would…” We use other people as a convenient excuse to avoid doing something. It’s easier to just give up, avoid taking that risk or making that decision, and putting the blame squarely on someone else.
A great example of this is Jason. (The poor man must surely be feeling his ears burning by now.) I can remember Jason wanting to buy a Mercedes Benz. As I was the only one bringing in an income, I told him we couldn’t afford it and had no need for it. Our Volkswagen was just fine for our family. Jason refused to accept the fact that we just could not afford a Mercedes. He tried many strategies to persuade me to let him trade in my Volkswagen for that Mercedes. First, he would introduce the fact that he just ‘happened to drive past the car yard and the Mercedes was still there – unsold, must be a sign’ into every conversation. When that didn’t pique my interest, I would have to hear how they let him take it for a test drive and it had the quietest motor ever. He went on and on about the Mercedes, and what a great deal they offered him on it. I stayed firm and held on to my “No, we can’t afford it.” When these tactics failed, the Blame Game started in all seriousness.
“You don’t want me to succeed in my life. You don’t want me to have anything better than you. You always have to be the best. You have to always be in control and the only successful member of the family. I could have been somebody if it wasn’t for you always holding me back to make you look good!” This was often accompanied by temper tantrums and things been thrown around and a helluva lot of swearing. At me naturally, because I was the bad person here. I took all of that blame and abuse, because I knew that we just could not afford that car.
His next attack, was that the reason he couldn’t sell any offshore investments and get commission so he could contribute to the family table, was because he didn’t drive a car befitting a successful businessman. His logic was, that if he drove around in a Mercedes, then people would see that he was successful, so then they would do business with him. Therefore, it was my fault that he didn’t contribute to the family income, as I wouldn’t let him drive a car befitting a successful businessman.
Then he changed tack. He told me that he hadn’t wanted to alarm me, or cause me worry, but the cylinder head in the Volkswagen had a huge crack in it, and he was expecting the engine to seize or the car to conk out and give up the ghost at any time. Not being a Petrolhead, I didn’t know what to look for in the engine to see whether or not he was telling the truth. I suspected that his story was all bullshit, but by this time I was so tired and exasperated with the whole car saga, that like a dumb mug, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and….yes. I relented.
Jason never explained the details of the great deal he had organised, to me and I stupidly assumed it was just the normal kind of Hire Purchase deal he had arranged. Well, what eventually came out, was that he used my Volkswagen as a deposit, and told them that he was a high earner and would pay 10 000 the one month and 15 000 the next. Just for the record, I was only earning 2 500 a month at the time! Needless to say, he never paid them a cent bar the initial deposit with my car as trade-in, and they repossessed the Mercedes the third month that he had it. My Volkswagen that was used as a deposit was lost in the deal that never was, and we were completely carless. The final straw, was when Jason turned to me after they took the car away, and said, “This is all your fault. If you had had the balls to stand up to me and say no, then this wouldn’t have happened!”
I have to say, that sometimes I think you can’t win. It’s like – you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. As you can well imagine, this little incident wasn’t very good for our marriage at all. Things got worse when I came home with a car I bought from a tax refund. Jason’s reaction was the classic, “Well what can I say? You are a better man than I’ll ever be!”
Serial Cheaters and Blame
Serial Cheaters thrive on playing the Blame Game. It gives them a reason to do what they’re doing, so it gets them ‘off the hook’. Because you do realise, that they’ll believe that what they’re doing is never their fault. They don’t get enough sex or attention at home, so they are ‘forced’ to go out elsewhere and find it. It’s not their fault they are forced to cheat! So the moral of the story is, don’t kill yourself trying to make someone happy who keeps finding ways to lay all the blame on you when they cheat. The same as, if you decide to stay with them and keep giving them chance after chance, then that is a choice you’ve made, and you can’t one day turn around and blame anyone for the choices you made. How often do you hear from friends, “I only stayed with him/her for the sake of the children.” What utter bullshit! How dare you blame the children, for you staying in a loveless unhappy relationship! You only stay in that relationship, because you are too scared to leave for whatever reason. The children are just an excuse, because reality shows that children adapt easily and are far happier in a loving happy home, than a home with unconcealed anger and resentment bouncing off the walls in every room. Children are not stupid just because they are young. No matter how hard their parents might try to disguise and hide their relationship problems, children always sense when things aren’t right and are very aware of what is going on.
Cheaters are quite predictable, because if they have done it more than once in the past, they’ll continue to do it in the future. Don’t ignore it and just hope that things will work out. Be honest, tell them what you don’t like and if they aren’t prepared to fix it, then you have to decide if you can live with it or not. If living with it makes you desperately unhappy, then move on. Remember, fix the problem and not the blame.
When you fall in love with an idea
Martin was devastated when he came home early one day, and found Cathy in bed with another man. He felt no less devastated, when he caught her a second time and then a third. Cathy blamed him for her infidelities. It was his fault because he was often too tired to pay her the attention she needed because he worked so hard. Martin started watching Cathy like a hawk, coming home at odd times, phoning to check she was home and alone. Cathy started accusing Martin of being a control-freak and would lose her rag and stomp out of the room when he questioned her about her activities. She told Martin he was being paranoid whenever he asked her if she still saw other men. Eventually, Cathy started getting aggressive and would pick up objects and throw them at Martin, or throw them at windows and break them. Martin started getting nervous and stopped asking Cathy questions, as he was scared of upsetting her and putting her in an aggressive mood. He started to believe that he was guilty of wrecking the relationship. Months of constantly being told his paranoia and being overly sensitive was going to push her into relationships with other men if he didn’t drop it, finally took their toll. Martin ended the relationship.
Martin realised that he fell in love with an idea – a fantasy that was backed up by things Cathy had promised initially. When Cathy’s actions contradicted his fantasy, he would start questioning her and that would lead to both parties playing the Blame Game. Paranoia and blame became the pattern of their relationship. Martin missed what he wanted to have in the relationship – the idea, his fantasy – what he kept hanging in there for and never had. Now, Martin has problems dealing with the demise of their relationship, because Cathy never took responsibility for her actions, and always put the blame for everything solely on Martin’s shoulders.
It’s amazing how constant blame can eat into our self-esteem, until we actually believe that we are responsible. Recognise blame for what it is and stop taking responsibility for others’ actions. When you stick to your guns and keep to your limits, you can be accused of being vindictive. So what? That is their problem, not yours.
Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.
Excerpt from my book, Fear, Phobias and frozen Feet.
Read my article on Common mistakes men make during sex http://hubpages.com/hub/Common-mistakes-made-by-men-during-sex
Welcome to my advice blog!
This is my first blog entry on my brand new relationship advice blog! I'll be posting some articles I wrote on here and also answering any relationship questions you might have. A survivor of an abusive marriage, I do have some great insights and strategies that you can use. But, most of all, I do have a great sense of humor, which you need I guess. I have written a book on breaking the cycle of bad relationships in your life, called Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet. It can be purchased directly from Amazon.com or from my website http://cindyvine.com/. I've also written a semi-autobiographical novel on the exploits of Fenella Fisher and her search to find love and the dream man. It also deals with her escape from an abusive marriage. I guess I'm quite interested in abuse and abusive relationships. Anyway, my novel is called Stop the world, I need to pee! and is also available from Amazon.com and off my website.
I've recently completed a new novel called The Case of Billy B which is in the publishing process. That deals with a little boy who is abused by his caregiver. Yeah, all sounds depressing, but it's not really. I guess, there is humor in every situation!
Love to hear from you and get comments!
love
Cindy
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