Friday, November 18, 2011

Book about recovering from a break-up

Well the book is written and been published and is now available as a paperback and kindle book on How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single might be a title that is confusing to some. I chose this title after one of the chapters in my book, thinking it had quite a catchy ring to it. What I never realised, was that many people would think that this book is about abstinence and promotes abstaining from sex. Of course, the majority of people do not want to abstain from sex! I am with them on that.
However, the chapter dealing with How to Say No to Sex is talking about the pitfalls of jumping straight into one-night stands and rebound relationships to try and restore your self-esteem after your relationship ends. Sex, frequent sex with a variety of partners, does not restore your self-esteem after a break-up. Believe me I know because I have been there and tried it. You just feel worse.
So I have included here a list of all the chapters in the book. The book is divided into four sections. Suddenly Single, Cleaning out the Closet, Picking up the pieces, and Facing the Future. If your relationship is in trouble or you have a friends who’s relationship has ended, you might want to think about recommending this book!

Expectations equal disappointment
Bad relationships
Cheating lying partners
Signs of depression
Binge/comfort eating
Hangover cures
End of a relationship
Coping with criticism
Controlling Men
Low self-esteem
Dumping a guy
Cheating women friends
Sibling rivalry
Routine versus ritual
Negativity versus being positive
Friends with benefits
Energy vampires
Potty mouth syndrome
Change life
Rebound relationships
Killing gossip
Integrating life and work
Working to a budget
Getting ready to date again
Getting in shape for sex
Sex styles
Survival tips
Surviving an affair
Accepting flaws
How to catch a man
Getting ex back
Technology rules
How to say no to sex
Common mistakes made during sex
Practising safe sex
How to enjoy sex
Remain friends with ex
Lessons in love

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Book Giveaway

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How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Si... by Cindy Vine

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Thursday, June 30, 2011

How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single

Great news!  I finally finished editing and doing the re-writes of How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single, and it's available on Amazon Kindle.  It should be on the Sony e-reader, Nook and iPad in a couple of weeks.  Paperback is still a month or two away.
If you've just broken up, been ditched or got divorced, then this book will be the one for you.
It's written in a light and easy-to-read style.  There's a lot of practical advice and even some stuff to make you smile.  If you have a friend who's just ended a relationship, then this would be good for you to recommend to her.
Love and Light,

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

How to get your man talking

Turning off the ignore button
I’ve never figured out yet why people refer to silence as being golden.  When someone switches on that ignore button and tunes you out; it has to be one of life’s greatest frustrations.  In the old days they referred to it as sending you to Coventry; a form of punishment when you’d done something wrong.  Shutting a person out in a relationship is hurtful to that person.  Especially when they ask what’s wrong and get the reply, “Nothing.”  It’s obvious to all and sundry that something is wrong.  Nobody shuts out another for no reason and refusing to discuss it or communicate about it puts strain on the relationship.
While a woman might give the silent treatment for a while, it’s not as often as a man.  When a man decides he’s no longer communicating, he does his impersonation of a brick wall.  One you can’t go over, under, around or through.  He gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘silent partner.’  For a woman this is scream-material, when whatever you do you get nothing back.
In my experience, men go into silent mode and put you on ignore for a reason.  It could be that he’s genuinely not interested in what you have to say.  He’s honest enough not to feign an interest in the particular shade of pink bow your friend bought for her pet poodle’s collar.  You have to learn to distinguish between what he’s interested in and what he’s not.  You might be regaling him with a long tale about what transpired at your lunch meeting with friends and he’ll interrupt you by saying, “Get to the point.”  If what you’re telling him has nothing to do with him or your relationship, there’s a good chance you won’t care to know all the intimate details.  Learn to read his body language.  If he is starting to tune out then change the subject to something that he’d be interested in.
Men generally like to avoid conflict.  They will often tell you what they think you want to hear to keep the peace.  If they have to turn on the ignore button and go into silent mode, they’ll do it if it avoids an argument or a fight.  If this is the case, then you need to examine how you react when he doesn’t agree with you, and if you actually listen to what he has to say and his point of view.  You might need to curb your tongue in disagreements and work on developing the skills needed to become a good listener.  A good way to work through a disagreement is to sit opposite each other with your kneecaps touching.  Each person has a chance to speak and the other is not allowed to interrupt and may only speak when the partner has finished.  You are not allowed to make accusatory remarks.  Begin your sentences with ‘I statements.’  “I feel angry when…”
If you constantly interrupt him when he speaks, nag continuously, complain about everything or go off on some tangent that he forgets what it was you were actually talking about; then that will also be enough reason for him to zip his lips and focus on the show he is watching on television.  When you see him starting to zone out then you need to change tack.  Good communication is a two-way street.  Reading body language should tell you why he is reaching for that ignore button, and to get him talking again you might need to adjust your own behaviour.
Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Coping with criticism

Critical Friends
Wherever in the world you live, there will always be someone around who feels it their duty to point out exactly what it is you did wrong.  Some people are just hyper-critical, criticising everything from the way you do your job to the shoes you wear.  They see themselves as being ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest.’  The truth is that they have a low self-esteem and only make themselves feel better when they put someone else down.  When your relationship ends, all your critical friends will crawl out of the woodwork and be there to support you with their well-meaning comments and honesty.  Don’t let what they say get you down.  Use their criticism as a tool to develop yourself.
·         Reflect on what they said but don’t brood on the negative parts.  Be honest with yourself and look for the grains of truth and open your mind to them.  What can you change or do better next time?
·         Forget about your ego and be grateful enough that your friend cared enough about you to say what they said.  Don’t attack the messenger.  Hear them out and address any issues that might be raised.
·         Ask questions and ask for examples.  Don’t storm off and lick your wounds in private and build up resentment, rather initiate a discussion so you can clarify what they are saying in your mind.
·         Walk away if you are angry and have a tendency to over-react.  You don’t have to initiate the discussion immediately.  Thank them for their comments, and when you feel calmer think about what they said and then initiate a discussion.
·         Avoid turning yourself into a victim and taking everything to heart.  While there will probably be some truth in what they say, it might be couched in assumptions, speculations and exaggerations and their perspective of things.  Use your common sense to differentiate between what is constructive criticism and what isn’t and don’t lose your perspective.

Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single by Cindy Vine.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Managing Conflict

Rules of Engagement
·         You need two people to have an argument.
·         Keep your pride in your pocket.
·         Cancel out your need to control the other person.
·         Minimalise the manipulation.
·         Keep the past in the old kitbag, don’t unpack it and bring up what happened before.
·         Focus only on the current issue.
·         Take time out if you need it.
·         Don’t start arguing after you’ve consumed alcohol.
·         Avoid raising your voice and shouting.
·         If you’re so angry you’re seeing red, leave the discussion for another day.
Winning isn’t everything
People express their anger in different ways and it’s good to let it out rather than smoulder silently and build up resentment.  Some couples thrive on violent arguments and the passionate making up afterwards.  However, there is a time to speak out and a time to shut up.  You have to learn how to pick your battles.  Sometimes it’s best to zip those lips and keep quiet and let the other person throw their wobbly and let off steam without you saying a word.  You don’t want to enter their angry place if getting involved will turn you into a) a scapegoat; b) a punching bag; c) the enemy; or worse still d) an accomplice. 
When someone loses their temper they stop thinking rationally and there is no point trying to reason with them as at that moment they are probably not capable of a coherent thought.  If you try and get involved in the dialogue at this time, then you will get pulled into their drama.  Seriously, you have enough drama in your life already so why do you want to be a part of someone else’s drama?  That is just asking for trouble.  There is absolutely nothing to gain from engaging with them.
Dialogue and communication are good, but only when all the parties concerned have calmed down and had a chance to reflect on what got them so fired up in the first place.  If you didn’t like the other party’s behaviour, when they have calmed down use ‘I statements.’  Example,” I feel scared when you shout at me and throw things around the house.  I would prefer it if you would lock yourself in your study until you have calmed down.”  ‘I statements’ highlight the behaviour and stops it from being a personal attack, thus avoiding instigating the flare-up of the conflict all over again.
If the cause of the conflict is just not that important to you then let it go.  Don’t fight for the sake of fighting it just causes unpleasantness.  Examine your motives.  If you are wanting to speak out and join the fray out of spite and revenge, or intentionally want to cause the other hurt, then keep your mouth shut and bite your tongue.  However, if speaking up will ease a harmful situation or be good for the other person in the long run then engaging might be for the best. 
Conflict shouldn’t be about being a winner or a loser.  You don’t have to agree with everybody all the time, but engaging in a conflict situation just sets both sides up for being losers.  There is a time to voice your opinion and have your say.  Just make sure that you pick the right time to have it.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Energy Vampires

Leave the suckers for Twilight

We’ve all experienced it at one time or other, a friend who is distraught after a break-up and bends your ear every time they see you with stories of their ex and their biased analysis of why their relationship didn’t work. Nothing much logical or rational passes through their lips. At first you were supportive and understanding, but let’s face it, there’s a limit you can take and after a while it just becomes wearisome and draining. You feel too guilty to say no to them when they turn up dejected on your doorstep. The result is that you start making excuses not to spend time with them and eventually your friendship will start to suffer. These people are energy vampires, feeding off your energy and draining you until you yourself become depressed.

When you go through a break-up you need to make sure that you do not become an energy vampire. Initially there will be a temporary over-charged emotional phase, make sure you pick a friend with vast emotional reserves to suck energy from. But then you need to be kind to yourself and stop it. Admit where you’ve become like a stuck record and amend your behaviour. A good thing for friends to do is to make a pact. You’ll feed off each other up until a certain predetermined point, and then your friend will gently tell you when it’s enough. This requires trust and honesty in your relationship, and you have to listen when your friend says enough is enough. It’s important that these boundaries be backed up with definite consequences, otherwise the energy-feeding will continue.

If you’re going through a break-up yourself you need to sweep your house clean of any and all energy vampires. When you’re a wreck is not the time to be a rescuer and be there for someone else to let prey on you. Physically remove yourself from that person and distance yourself emotionally. If you are already in a weakened state, letting an emotional vampire feed off you will just make your situation worse and cause you to crash.

Not all energy vampires are created equal, and not all of them are in that space because they are depressed after a break-up. Some of them drain your energy for other reasons, but they are just as draining. Unempathetic, narcisstic people who always put themselves first and aren’t really interested in your life can be draining. So can drama queens who thrive on negative energy. Friends who never have a good word to say about anything and constantly criticise every little thing are energy vampires. As are friends who are moody and constantly re-arranging the status order of their ‘best friends’; these are skilled at pitting people against each other and love causing ructions in your social circle. Stay clear of friends who don’t value your opinion as they are also draining your energy.

You need to be surrounded by people who build you up, not drain you. And you need to make sure that you don’t become an energy vampire yourself. You need all your energy to pick up the pieces and get your life back on track.

Excerpt from How to say no to sex and other survival tips for the suddenly single.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

How to know if your man is cheating

Cheating men always leave signs. You just have to know where to look for them and if you have a gut-feeling he’s cheating, you’re probably right. Unfortunately while there’s many good things about technology, one of the negatives is that there are many websites popping up promoting discrete affairs between married and committed people. Finding someone to cheat with has never been easier! All he needs is an anonymous username and a profile and he’ll be inundated with ladies looking for adventure.

To catch a cheater, you need to set a trap. If you find he’s on a website advertising his abilities, you need to find out the name of the website and set up your own profile. When he contacts you for a date, you’ve caught him! Most men wait for you to leave town before they invite their date to your house. If you think this is happening, all you need to do is pretend to be leaving town on business and then sit across the road and watch your house. Make sure you have plenty of magazines to read and snacks to eat. Other men have ‘business lunches’ or have to ‘work late.’ If you suspect this is happening, then you might need to get out your stalker outfit and start following him. There is no need to be overly dramatic and hire a detective. For a start, they are pretty pricey and you’ll be paying for it, not your cheating man. Instead, you might want to do some online shopping. If you are computer-savvy, you can get key logger software to see exactly what he is typing and which websites he visits. A voice-activated digital tape recorder cunningly placed under his car seat will record all in-car conversations. Although a little on the pricey side, a GPS tracking device will help you know where his car is parked every minute of the day.

Another way to catch him, is to pretend you know more than you do. Make as if you have hard concrete evidence of his infidelity. Give him a chance to ‘come clean.’ Tell him that if he continues to lie to you, it’ll make the whole unpleasant situation a lot worse. Tell him he’s got overnight to sleep on it and think about it. Although most men will continue to lie, if you are a good enough actress and can carry off the ruse there is a good chance he’ll confess and give you the information you are looking for. Of course, it can backfire and make him cover his tracks even better.

So, what signs can show that your man is cheating? You find bills sent to a post office box you knew nothing about; the passenger seat in his car has been moved; long blonde hairs on his clothes when both of you are short brunettes; cigarette smoke smell when neither of you smoke; lipstick on his shirt collar; your dog starts to shag his leg; a smell of perfume that’s not yours; turns his phone off when he’s with you; leaves the room and closes the door behind him when he gets a call; cellphone bills that show calls of a long duration; internet browse history shows dating sites or porn sites; credit card bills contain unknown charges; his car is suddenly chomping its way through fuel and becoming a gas guzzler; he suddenly becomes obsessed with his body and his looks and joins a gym or applies a fake tan; his secretary appears to be screening his calls at work; he starts working later; you catch his friends out lying as they cover for him; unexplained receipts in his wallet; out-of-the-norm ATM withdrawals. All of these indicate a change in his behaviour, and that is probably what fired up your gut feeling to start with.

It’s hard to describe the shitty feeling you get when you discover you’ve been cheated on. Chances are, you’ll experience the whole range of emotions from grief to revenge. Your self-esteem will take a serious knock, but think of it this way – you are better off without him, because once a cheater always a cheater. If he cheated on a previous girlfriend or wife with you, there’s a good chance he’ll do it again. A leopard can only change its spots of it wants to, and many cheaters so enjoy the thrill of the chase, the danger of getting caught, that they have no inclination to change their cheating ways. You deserve much better than a lying cheating man.