Well the book is written and been published and is now available as a paperback and kindle book on Amazon.com. How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single might be a title that is confusing to some. I chose this title after one of the chapters in my book, thinking it had quite a catchy ring to it. What I never realised, was that many people would think that this book is about abstinence and promotes abstaining from sex. Of course, the majority of people do not want to abstain from sex! I am with them on that.
However, the chapter dealing with How to Say No to Sex is talking about the pitfalls of jumping straight into one-night stands and rebound relationships to try and restore your self-esteem after your relationship ends. Sex, frequent sex with a variety of partners, does not restore your self-esteem after a break-up. Believe me I know because I have been there and tried it. You just feel worse.
So I have included here a list of all the chapters in the book. The book is divided into four sections. Suddenly Single, Cleaning out the Closet, Picking up the pieces, and Facing the Future. If your relationship is in trouble or you have a friends who’s relationship has ended, you might want to think about recommending this book!
CONTENTS
SUDDENLY SINGLE
Expectations equal disappointment
Bad relationships
Cheating lying partners
Signs of depression
Binge/comfort eating
Hangover cures
End of a relationship
Addiction
Fear
Panic
Coping with criticism
Controlling Men
Low self-esteem
Dumping a guy
CLEANING OUT THE CLOSET
Cheating women friends
Sibling rivalry
Swinging
Procrastination
De-cluttering
Routine versus ritual
Conflict
Negativity versus being positive
Friends with benefits
Energy vampires
Potty mouth syndrome
Change life
Forgiveness
Rebound relationships
Killing gossip
PICKING UP THE PIECES
Integrating life and work
Working to a budget
Getting ready to date again
Getting in shape for sex
Sex styles
Survival tips
Surviving an affair
Accepting flaws
How to catch a man
Getting ex back
FACING THE FUTURE
Technology rules
How to say no to sex
Common mistakes made during sex
Practising safe sex
Dating
Communication
How to enjoy sex
Masturbation
Remain friends with ex
Lessons in love
Showing posts with label abusive relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abusive relationships. Show all posts
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
How to get your man talking
Turning off the ignore button
I’ve never figured out yet why people refer to silence as being golden. When someone switches on that ignore button and tunes you out; it has to be one of life’s greatest frustrations. In the old days they referred to it as sending you to Coventry; a form of punishment when you’d done something wrong. Shutting a person out in a relationship is hurtful to that person. Especially when they ask what’s wrong and get the reply, “Nothing.” It’s obvious to all and sundry that something is wrong. Nobody shuts out another for no reason and refusing to discuss it or communicate about it puts strain on the relationship.
While a woman might give the silent treatment for a while, it’s not as often as a man. When a man decides he’s no longer communicating, he does his impersonation of a brick wall. One you can’t go over, under, around or through. He gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘silent partner.’ For a woman this is scream-material, when whatever you do you get nothing back.
In my experience, men go into silent mode and put you on ignore for a reason. It could be that he’s genuinely not interested in what you have to say. He’s honest enough not to feign an interest in the particular shade of pink bow your friend bought for her pet poodle’s collar. You have to learn to distinguish between what he’s interested in and what he’s not. You might be regaling him with a long tale about what transpired at your lunch meeting with friends and he’ll interrupt you by saying, “Get to the point.” If what you’re telling him has nothing to do with him or your relationship, there’s a good chance you won’t care to know all the intimate details. Learn to read his body language. If he is starting to tune out then change the subject to something that he’d be interested in.
Men generally like to avoid conflict. They will often tell you what they think you want to hear to keep the peace. If they have to turn on the ignore button and go into silent mode, they’ll do it if it avoids an argument or a fight. If this is the case, then you need to examine how you react when he doesn’t agree with you, and if you actually listen to what he has to say and his point of view. You might need to curb your tongue in disagreements and work on developing the skills needed to become a good listener. A good way to work through a disagreement is to sit opposite each other with your kneecaps touching. Each person has a chance to speak and the other is not allowed to interrupt and may only speak when the partner has finished. You are not allowed to make accusatory remarks. Begin your sentences with ‘I statements.’ “I feel angry when…”
If you constantly interrupt him when he speaks, nag continuously, complain about everything or go off on some tangent that he forgets what it was you were actually talking about; then that will also be enough reason for him to zip his lips and focus on the show he is watching on television. When you see him starting to zone out then you need to change tack. Good communication is a two-way street. Reading body language should tell you why he is reaching for that ignore button, and to get him talking again you might need to adjust your own behaviour.
Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single
I’ve never figured out yet why people refer to silence as being golden. When someone switches on that ignore button and tunes you out; it has to be one of life’s greatest frustrations. In the old days they referred to it as sending you to Coventry; a form of punishment when you’d done something wrong. Shutting a person out in a relationship is hurtful to that person. Especially when they ask what’s wrong and get the reply, “Nothing.” It’s obvious to all and sundry that something is wrong. Nobody shuts out another for no reason and refusing to discuss it or communicate about it puts strain on the relationship.
While a woman might give the silent treatment for a while, it’s not as often as a man. When a man decides he’s no longer communicating, he does his impersonation of a brick wall. One you can’t go over, under, around or through. He gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘silent partner.’ For a woman this is scream-material, when whatever you do you get nothing back.
In my experience, men go into silent mode and put you on ignore for a reason. It could be that he’s genuinely not interested in what you have to say. He’s honest enough not to feign an interest in the particular shade of pink bow your friend bought for her pet poodle’s collar. You have to learn to distinguish between what he’s interested in and what he’s not. You might be regaling him with a long tale about what transpired at your lunch meeting with friends and he’ll interrupt you by saying, “Get to the point.” If what you’re telling him has nothing to do with him or your relationship, there’s a good chance you won’t care to know all the intimate details. Learn to read his body language. If he is starting to tune out then change the subject to something that he’d be interested in.
Men generally like to avoid conflict. They will often tell you what they think you want to hear to keep the peace. If they have to turn on the ignore button and go into silent mode, they’ll do it if it avoids an argument or a fight. If this is the case, then you need to examine how you react when he doesn’t agree with you, and if you actually listen to what he has to say and his point of view. You might need to curb your tongue in disagreements and work on developing the skills needed to become a good listener. A good way to work through a disagreement is to sit opposite each other with your kneecaps touching. Each person has a chance to speak and the other is not allowed to interrupt and may only speak when the partner has finished. You are not allowed to make accusatory remarks. Begin your sentences with ‘I statements.’ “I feel angry when…”
If you constantly interrupt him when he speaks, nag continuously, complain about everything or go off on some tangent that he forgets what it was you were actually talking about; then that will also be enough reason for him to zip his lips and focus on the show he is watching on television. When you see him starting to zone out then you need to change tack. Good communication is a two-way street. Reading body language should tell you why he is reaching for that ignore button, and to get him talking again you might need to adjust your own behaviour.
Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Coping with criticism
Critical Friends
Wherever in the world you live, there will always be someone around who feels it their duty to point out exactly what it is you did wrong. Some people are just hyper-critical, criticising everything from the way you do your job to the shoes you wear. They see themselves as being ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest.’ The truth is that they have a low self-esteem and only make themselves feel better when they put someone else down. When your relationship ends, all your critical friends will crawl out of the woodwork and be there to support you with their well-meaning comments and honesty. Don’t let what they say get you down. Use their criticism as a tool to develop yourself.
· Reflect on what they said but don’t brood on the negative parts. Be honest with yourself and look for the grains of truth and open your mind to them. What can you change or do better next time?
· Forget about your ego and be grateful enough that your friend cared enough about you to say what they said. Don’t attack the messenger. Hear them out and address any issues that might be raised.
· Ask questions and ask for examples. Don’t storm off and lick your wounds in private and build up resentment, rather initiate a discussion so you can clarify what they are saying in your mind.
· Walk away if you are angry and have a tendency to over-react. You don’t have to initiate the discussion immediately. Thank them for their comments, and when you feel calmer think about what they said and then initiate a discussion.
· Avoid turning yourself into a victim and taking everything to heart. While there will probably be some truth in what they say, it might be couched in assumptions, speculations and exaggerations and their perspective of things. Use your common sense to differentiate between what is constructive criticism and what isn’t and don’t lose your perspective.
Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single by Cindy Vine.
Wherever in the world you live, there will always be someone around who feels it their duty to point out exactly what it is you did wrong. Some people are just hyper-critical, criticising everything from the way you do your job to the shoes you wear. They see themselves as being ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest.’ The truth is that they have a low self-esteem and only make themselves feel better when they put someone else down. When your relationship ends, all your critical friends will crawl out of the woodwork and be there to support you with their well-meaning comments and honesty. Don’t let what they say get you down. Use their criticism as a tool to develop yourself.
· Reflect on what they said but don’t brood on the negative parts. Be honest with yourself and look for the grains of truth and open your mind to them. What can you change or do better next time?
· Forget about your ego and be grateful enough that your friend cared enough about you to say what they said. Don’t attack the messenger. Hear them out and address any issues that might be raised.
· Ask questions and ask for examples. Don’t storm off and lick your wounds in private and build up resentment, rather initiate a discussion so you can clarify what they are saying in your mind.
· Walk away if you are angry and have a tendency to over-react. You don’t have to initiate the discussion immediately. Thank them for their comments, and when you feel calmer think about what they said and then initiate a discussion.
· Avoid turning yourself into a victim and taking everything to heart. While there will probably be some truth in what they say, it might be couched in assumptions, speculations and exaggerations and their perspective of things. Use your common sense to differentiate between what is constructive criticism and what isn’t and don’t lose your perspective.
Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single by Cindy Vine.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
How to know if your man is cheating
Cheating men always leave signs. You just have to know where to look for them and if you have a gut-feeling he’s cheating, you’re probably right. Unfortunately while there’s many good things about technology, one of the negatives is that there are many websites popping up promoting discrete affairs between married and committed people. Finding someone to cheat with has never been easier! All he needs is an anonymous username and a profile and he’ll be inundated with ladies looking for adventure.
To catch a cheater, you need to set a trap. If you find he’s on a website advertising his abilities, you need to find out the name of the website and set up your own profile. When he contacts you for a date, you’ve caught him! Most men wait for you to leave town before they invite their date to your house. If you think this is happening, all you need to do is pretend to be leaving town on business and then sit across the road and watch your house. Make sure you have plenty of magazines to read and snacks to eat. Other men have ‘business lunches’ or have to ‘work late.’ If you suspect this is happening, then you might need to get out your stalker outfit and start following him. There is no need to be overly dramatic and hire a detective. For a start, they are pretty pricey and you’ll be paying for it, not your cheating man. Instead, you might want to do some online shopping. If you are computer-savvy, you can get key logger software to see exactly what he is typing and which websites he visits. A voice-activated digital tape recorder cunningly placed under his car seat will record all in-car conversations. Although a little on the pricey side, a GPS tracking device will help you know where his car is parked every minute of the day.
Another way to catch him, is to pretend you know more than you do. Make as if you have hard concrete evidence of his infidelity. Give him a chance to ‘come clean.’ Tell him that if he continues to lie to you, it’ll make the whole unpleasant situation a lot worse. Tell him he’s got overnight to sleep on it and think about it. Although most men will continue to lie, if you are a good enough actress and can carry off the ruse there is a good chance he’ll confess and give you the information you are looking for. Of course, it can backfire and make him cover his tracks even better.
So, what signs can show that your man is cheating? You find bills sent to a post office box you knew nothing about; the passenger seat in his car has been moved; long blonde hairs on his clothes when both of you are short brunettes; cigarette smoke smell when neither of you smoke; lipstick on his shirt collar; your dog starts to shag his leg; a smell of perfume that’s not yours; turns his phone off when he’s with you; leaves the room and closes the door behind him when he gets a call; cellphone bills that show calls of a long duration; internet browse history shows dating sites or porn sites; credit card bills contain unknown charges; his car is suddenly chomping its way through fuel and becoming a gas guzzler; he suddenly becomes obsessed with his body and his looks and joins a gym or applies a fake tan; his secretary appears to be screening his calls at work; he starts working later; you catch his friends out lying as they cover for him; unexplained receipts in his wallet; out-of-the-norm ATM withdrawals. All of these indicate a change in his behaviour, and that is probably what fired up your gut feeling to start with.
It’s hard to describe the shitty feeling you get when you discover you’ve been cheated on. Chances are, you’ll experience the whole range of emotions from grief to revenge. Your self-esteem will take a serious knock, but think of it this way – you are better off without him, because once a cheater always a cheater. If he cheated on a previous girlfriend or wife with you, there’s a good chance he’ll do it again. A leopard can only change its spots of it wants to, and many cheaters so enjoy the thrill of the chase, the danger of getting caught, that they have no inclination to change their cheating ways. You deserve much better than a lying cheating man.
To catch a cheater, you need to set a trap. If you find he’s on a website advertising his abilities, you need to find out the name of the website and set up your own profile. When he contacts you for a date, you’ve caught him! Most men wait for you to leave town before they invite their date to your house. If you think this is happening, all you need to do is pretend to be leaving town on business and then sit across the road and watch your house. Make sure you have plenty of magazines to read and snacks to eat. Other men have ‘business lunches’ or have to ‘work late.’ If you suspect this is happening, then you might need to get out your stalker outfit and start following him. There is no need to be overly dramatic and hire a detective. For a start, they are pretty pricey and you’ll be paying for it, not your cheating man. Instead, you might want to do some online shopping. If you are computer-savvy, you can get key logger software to see exactly what he is typing and which websites he visits. A voice-activated digital tape recorder cunningly placed under his car seat will record all in-car conversations. Although a little on the pricey side, a GPS tracking device will help you know where his car is parked every minute of the day.
Another way to catch him, is to pretend you know more than you do. Make as if you have hard concrete evidence of his infidelity. Give him a chance to ‘come clean.’ Tell him that if he continues to lie to you, it’ll make the whole unpleasant situation a lot worse. Tell him he’s got overnight to sleep on it and think about it. Although most men will continue to lie, if you are a good enough actress and can carry off the ruse there is a good chance he’ll confess and give you the information you are looking for. Of course, it can backfire and make him cover his tracks even better.
So, what signs can show that your man is cheating? You find bills sent to a post office box you knew nothing about; the passenger seat in his car has been moved; long blonde hairs on his clothes when both of you are short brunettes; cigarette smoke smell when neither of you smoke; lipstick on his shirt collar; your dog starts to shag his leg; a smell of perfume that’s not yours; turns his phone off when he’s with you; leaves the room and closes the door behind him when he gets a call; cellphone bills that show calls of a long duration; internet browse history shows dating sites or porn sites; credit card bills contain unknown charges; his car is suddenly chomping its way through fuel and becoming a gas guzzler; he suddenly becomes obsessed with his body and his looks and joins a gym or applies a fake tan; his secretary appears to be screening his calls at work; he starts working later; you catch his friends out lying as they cover for him; unexplained receipts in his wallet; out-of-the-norm ATM withdrawals. All of these indicate a change in his behaviour, and that is probably what fired up your gut feeling to start with.
It’s hard to describe the shitty feeling you get when you discover you’ve been cheated on. Chances are, you’ll experience the whole range of emotions from grief to revenge. Your self-esteem will take a serious knock, but think of it this way – you are better off without him, because once a cheater always a cheater. If he cheated on a previous girlfriend or wife with you, there’s a good chance he’ll do it again. A leopard can only change its spots of it wants to, and many cheaters so enjoy the thrill of the chase, the danger of getting caught, that they have no inclination to change their cheating ways. You deserve much better than a lying cheating man.
Friday, December 17, 2010
How to know if you're in an abusive relationship?
I wrote a hub about this question some time ago, and still get lots of people commenting and asking my advice as to whether or not they are in an abusive relationship. Here are two queries from that hub. My book on breaking the cycle of bad relationships in your life - Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet, is available on Amazon.com as a paperback or as a kindle.
frozensuitcase 8 days ago
My boyfriend and I were in the kitchen the other night and I was making us a pizza..and he kept eating the ingredients and hovering over me and it was bothering me and he wouldn't listen and leave me alone so I yelled at him to get out. Well he did..but not without a problem. He continued to make snide comments and continually pick at me for what felt like forever. Anyways..he wore me down so much and I was so angry that I made a comment about his ex girlfriend I said "No wonder your ex didn't want to be with you". He got PISSED and punched the plate that was in front of me it shattered and pizza and glass went everywhere. I freaked out and got up and got my suitcase and started packing my clothes and he grabbed me by my arms and threw me down and continued to push me to try to get me to get out of the apartment without my things. And then I retalliated and hit back and he grabbed my throat. He stopped and I was so angry..All I wanted to do was go but he wouldn't let me. He apologized over and over and he did feel awful. I pretended like things were fine and then he went into the field (he's military) the next day I was making plans to leave him. By the following day I had changed my mind because I know I'm at fault also so my reasons no longer feel valid. One time he was ignoring me after a fight and started playing xbox so I unplugged the internet cord and he grabbed me and pushed me down...He's also punched a hole in the wall when angry. I know I can be a bitch and I can provoke him..but is he in the right for what he did or am I being ignorant and trying to excuse him?
ReplyFrozensuitcase, your situation worries me. I worry because both of you seem to have a short fuse. When things get you down you say things you probably shouldn't and you regret later. Unfortunately, your boyfriend reacts to these with violence. Pushing you down, breaking plates, punching holes in things is violent behaviour. If the violence escalates you are going to end up getting very badly hurt. You need to think seriously about what you say that might trigger off his violent outbursts and maybe curb your tongue quite a bit. But more than that, you need to evaluate your relationship, is this what you want for yourself? Do you want to live your life in fear that you might say the wrong thing which will trigger an outburst? Chances are, this is not what you want for yourself. And remember, the only person you can change is yourself. You can't change him, only he can change himself, and he has to desperately want to. To me it sounds like the two of you should think seriously about whether or not you should have a future together. You are a provoker and he is a violent retaliator. That's a recipe for disaster in my book.
Angie 14 hours ago
Wow this has been some what helpful I still don't see my situtation exactly but that really doesn't matter. I feel the need to find someone who is going through exactly what I'm going through because I just can't do it! I've been with my husband for 6.5 years and we've been married for 3 years. He's been the same since the begining but it is only now that I'm having a hard time and that is because we have a 17 month old baby boy who is such a good, easy going kind, a lover! However my husband will call me names like bitch and cunt in front of our son, he has punched the TV, wall, kicked the christmas tree, etc. He's grabbed my by my arms and shock me, pushed me hard into the couch, tells me I'm worthless, I'm lazy..... I only work part time. I'm not allowed or I should say he gives me a really hard time about reading books, running, spend any time with anyone. Don't get me wrong I can do these things but then I would have to listen to him bitch and complain. He is a construction worker so he doesn't have an easy job but he bitchs and bitchs about work. Oh and I forgot to mention he is an acoholic. He's never punched me or the baby. BUt I've gone to my docs to up my anitdepressants and to give me something for my anxiety.
I'm going to ask the most stupidest question ever (I guess I know the answer but don't feel like it is real) am I in an abusive relationship and what should I do?
HELP!
Reply
Angie, it is totally unacceptable for someone to swear at another like that and call them names. Punching the TV, hitting walls and kicking objects are also unacceptable. Grabbing you so that you feel pain and pushing you hard is not on either. You are most definitely in a very abusive relationship. The damage done to your psyche when someone keeps telling you you're lazy and worthless is huge. If he hates his job he shouldn't take it out on you. That's his problem. And his job being hard is not an excuse to abuse you that way. My advice is to get out before he punches you like he punches the wall!
frozensuitcase 8 days ago
My boyfriend and I were in the kitchen the other night and I was making us a pizza..and he kept eating the ingredients and hovering over me and it was bothering me and he wouldn't listen and leave me alone so I yelled at him to get out. Well he did..but not without a problem. He continued to make snide comments and continually pick at me for what felt like forever. Anyways..he wore me down so much and I was so angry that I made a comment about his ex girlfriend I said "No wonder your ex didn't want to be with you". He got PISSED and punched the plate that was in front of me it shattered and pizza and glass went everywhere. I freaked out and got up and got my suitcase and started packing my clothes and he grabbed me by my arms and threw me down and continued to push me to try to get me to get out of the apartment without my things. And then I retalliated and hit back and he grabbed my throat. He stopped and I was so angry..All I wanted to do was go but he wouldn't let me. He apologized over and over and he did feel awful. I pretended like things were fine and then he went into the field (he's military) the next day I was making plans to leave him. By the following day I had changed my mind because I know I'm at fault also so my reasons no longer feel valid. One time he was ignoring me after a fight and started playing xbox so I unplugged the internet cord and he grabbed me and pushed me down...He's also punched a hole in the wall when angry. I know I can be a bitch and I can provoke him..but is he in the right for what he did or am I being ignorant and trying to excuse him?
ReplyFrozensuitcase, your situation worries me. I worry because both of you seem to have a short fuse. When things get you down you say things you probably shouldn't and you regret later. Unfortunately, your boyfriend reacts to these with violence. Pushing you down, breaking plates, punching holes in things is violent behaviour. If the violence escalates you are going to end up getting very badly hurt. You need to think seriously about what you say that might trigger off his violent outbursts and maybe curb your tongue quite a bit. But more than that, you need to evaluate your relationship, is this what you want for yourself? Do you want to live your life in fear that you might say the wrong thing which will trigger an outburst? Chances are, this is not what you want for yourself. And remember, the only person you can change is yourself. You can't change him, only he can change himself, and he has to desperately want to. To me it sounds like the two of you should think seriously about whether or not you should have a future together. You are a provoker and he is a violent retaliator. That's a recipe for disaster in my book.
Angie 14 hours ago
Wow this has been some what helpful I still don't see my situtation exactly but that really doesn't matter. I feel the need to find someone who is going through exactly what I'm going through because I just can't do it! I've been with my husband for 6.5 years and we've been married for 3 years. He's been the same since the begining but it is only now that I'm having a hard time and that is because we have a 17 month old baby boy who is such a good, easy going kind, a lover! However my husband will call me names like bitch and cunt in front of our son, he has punched the TV, wall, kicked the christmas tree, etc. He's grabbed my by my arms and shock me, pushed me hard into the couch, tells me I'm worthless, I'm lazy..... I only work part time. I'm not allowed or I should say he gives me a really hard time about reading books, running, spend any time with anyone. Don't get me wrong I can do these things but then I would have to listen to him bitch and complain. He is a construction worker so he doesn't have an easy job but he bitchs and bitchs about work. Oh and I forgot to mention he is an acoholic. He's never punched me or the baby. BUt I've gone to my docs to up my anitdepressants and to give me something for my anxiety.
I'm going to ask the most stupidest question ever (I guess I know the answer but don't feel like it is real) am I in an abusive relationship and what should I do?
HELP!
Reply
Angie, it is totally unacceptable for someone to swear at another like that and call them names. Punching the TV, hitting walls and kicking objects are also unacceptable. Grabbing you so that you feel pain and pushing you hard is not on either. You are most definitely in a very abusive relationship. The damage done to your psyche when someone keeps telling you you're lazy and worthless is huge. If he hates his job he shouldn't take it out on you. That's his problem. And his job being hard is not an excuse to abuse you that way. My advice is to get out before he punches you like he punches the wall!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Cissy Hunt, author, speaks about Domestic Violence
Please welcome Cissy Hunt, author of A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns to my blog on relationships. She's an expert on Domestic Abuse.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (A blog post by Cissy Hunt)
My book, A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns, is a fictional story about a woman’s journey from domestic abuse through healing to forgiveness. This book covers a subject matter that is very close to my heart. the subject matter it covers is domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused--especially verbally and emotionally. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.
Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain--and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner--constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up--chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked--even by the person being abused.
Understanding emotional abuse
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse--sometimes even more so.
Even though A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns is a fictional book it is taken from my own life experiences. I chose to make it fiction rather than non-fiction because I want every woman that has gone through domestic violence to be able to relate to it. I don’t want them to just read about another woman who experience domestic violence. I wanted them to read the story and relate to it to be able to make it their own. I also want them to know that another man is not the answer to getting free of their situation that healing is their answer. They need to be free to seek healing and find their self. To find who they really are. Jumping into another relationship after domestic violence without healing 90% of the time leads to another abusive relationship. Yet, if they take the time to heal then they can find a new life that does not include domestic violence.
I would like to leave you with this exerpt from my book.
'After stepping to the podium, LaRae looked down at the urn
holding Terri’s ashes then to the picture displayed on the easel before
looking back up and beginning to speak.
“Terri never made it to true womanhood for she was only nineteen
years old when she died. She will never know what it means to be a
mother or a grandmother because her life was devalued so greatly by
her abuser that it meant nothing to him to take it. Her life was snuffed
out instantly with no thought of remorse because her life wasn’t her
own; it had been taken from her. She had become property not a human being.'
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control another. Do you know that every nine seconds a woman is assaulted and battered in this country, and 5.3 million women are abused each year, and that Domestic Violence is the single major cause of injury to women, more than muggings and car accidents combined. Fifty percent of all women murdered in the
United States are killed by a spouse or an intimate partner.
Also, over 500,000 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year. An average of about four women per day dies because of domestic violence. So you see on the day Terri died at the hands of her abuser so did three other women. Three other families in this country lost a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, or a niece.
Terri Carter is not the first nor will she be the last this town will gather together in mourning over. I wish she would be the last, I pray she would be, but until this community starts changing and becoming
aware of domestic violence; there will be more victims like Terri.
Think about it! The next service could even be held for one of your family members…maybe even one of your daughters.”
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (A blog post by Cissy Hunt)
My book, A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns, is a fictional story about a woman’s journey from domestic abuse through healing to forgiveness. This book covers a subject matter that is very close to my heart. the subject matter it covers is domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused--especially verbally and emotionally. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.
Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain--and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner--constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up--chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked--even by the person being abused.
Understanding emotional abuse
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse--sometimes even more so.
Even though A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns is a fictional book it is taken from my own life experiences. I chose to make it fiction rather than non-fiction because I want every woman that has gone through domestic violence to be able to relate to it. I don’t want them to just read about another woman who experience domestic violence. I wanted them to read the story and relate to it to be able to make it their own. I also want them to know that another man is not the answer to getting free of their situation that healing is their answer. They need to be free to seek healing and find their self. To find who they really are. Jumping into another relationship after domestic violence without healing 90% of the time leads to another abusive relationship. Yet, if they take the time to heal then they can find a new life that does not include domestic violence.
'After stepping to the podium, LaRae looked down at the urn
holding Terri’s ashes then to the picture displayed on the easel before
looking back up and beginning to speak.
“Terri never made it to true womanhood for she was only nineteen
years old when she died. She will never know what it means to be a
mother or a grandmother because her life was devalued so greatly by
her abuser that it meant nothing to him to take it. Her life was snuffed
out instantly with no thought of remorse because her life wasn’t her
own; it had been taken from her. She had become property not a human being.'
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control another. Do you know that every nine seconds a woman is assaulted and battered in this country, and 5.3 million women are abused each year, and that Domestic Violence is the single major cause of injury to women, more than muggings and car accidents combined. Fifty percent of all women murdered in the
United States are killed by a spouse or an intimate partner.
Also, over 500,000 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year. An average of about four women per day dies because of domestic violence. So you see on the day Terri died at the hands of her abuser so did three other women. Three other families in this country lost a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, or a niece.
Terri Carter is not the first nor will she be the last this town will gather together in mourning over. I wish she would be the last, I pray she would be, but until this community starts changing and becoming
aware of domestic violence; there will be more victims like Terri.
Think about it! The next service could even be held for one of your family members…maybe even one of your daughters.”
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