How to get your man talking

Turning off the ignore button
I’ve never figured out yet why people refer to silence as being golden.  When someone switches on that ignore button and tunes you out; it has to be one of life’s greatest frustrations.  In the old days they referred to it as sending you to Coventry; a form of punishment when you’d done something wrong.  Shutting a person out in a relationship is hurtful to that person.  Especially when they ask what’s wrong and get the reply, “Nothing.”  It’s obvious to all and sundry that something is wrong.  Nobody shuts out another for no reason and refusing to discuss it or communicate about it puts strain on the relationship.
While a woman might give the silent treatment for a while, it’s not as often as a man.  When a man decides he’s no longer communicating, he does his impersonation of a brick wall.  One you can’t go over, under, around or through.  He gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘silent partner.’  For a woman this is scream-material, when whatever you do you get nothing back.
In my experience, men go into silent mode and put you on ignore for a reason.  It could be that he’s genuinely not interested in what you have to say.  He’s honest enough not to feign an interest in the particular shade of pink bow your friend bought for her pet poodle’s collar.  You have to learn to distinguish between what he’s interested in and what he’s not.  You might be regaling him with a long tale about what transpired at your lunch meeting with friends and he’ll interrupt you by saying, “Get to the point.”  If what you’re telling him has nothing to do with him or your relationship, there’s a good chance you won’t care to know all the intimate details.  Learn to read his body language.  If he is starting to tune out then change the subject to something that he’d be interested in.
Men generally like to avoid conflict.  They will often tell you what they think you want to hear to keep the peace.  If they have to turn on the ignore button and go into silent mode, they’ll do it if it avoids an argument or a fight.  If this is the case, then you need to examine how you react when he doesn’t agree with you, and if you actually listen to what he has to say and his point of view.  You might need to curb your tongue in disagreements and work on developing the skills needed to become a good listener.  A good way to work through a disagreement is to sit opposite each other with your kneecaps touching.  Each person has a chance to speak and the other is not allowed to interrupt and may only speak when the partner has finished.  You are not allowed to make accusatory remarks.  Begin your sentences with ‘I statements.’  “I feel angry when…”
If you constantly interrupt him when he speaks, nag continuously, complain about everything or go off on some tangent that he forgets what it was you were actually talking about; then that will also be enough reason for him to zip his lips and focus on the show he is watching on television.  When you see him starting to zone out then you need to change tack.  Good communication is a two-way street.  Reading body language should tell you why he is reaching for that ignore button, and to get him talking again you might need to adjust your own behaviour.
Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single 

Energy Vampires

Leave the suckers for Twilight

We’ve all experienced it at one time or other, a friend who is distraught after a break-up and bends your ear every time they see you with stories of their ex and their biased analysis of why their relationship didn’t work. Nothing much logical or rational passes through their lips. At first you were supportive and understanding, but let’s face it, there’s a limit you can take and after a while it just becomes wearisome and draining. You feel too guilty to say no to them when they turn up dejected on your doorstep. The result is that you start making excuses not to spend time with them and eventually your friendship will start to suffer. These people are energy vampires, feeding off your energy and draining you until you yourself become depressed.

When you go through a break-up you need to make sure that you do not become an energy vampire. Initially there will be a temporary over-charged emotional phase, make sure you pick a friend with vast emotional reserves to suck energy from. But then you need to be kind to yourself and stop it. Admit where you’ve become like a stuck record and amend your behaviour. A good thing for friends to do is to make a pact. You’ll feed off each other up until a certain predetermined point, and then your friend will gently tell you when it’s enough. This requires trust and honesty in your relationship, and you have to listen when your friend says enough is enough. It’s important that these boundaries be backed up with definite consequences, otherwise the energy-feeding will continue.

If you’re going through a break-up yourself you need to sweep your house clean of any and all energy vampires. When you’re a wreck is not the time to be a rescuer and be there for someone else to let prey on you. Physically remove yourself from that person and distance yourself emotionally. If you are already in a weakened state, letting an emotional vampire feed off you will just make your situation worse and cause you to crash.

Not all energy vampires are created equal, and not all of them are in that space because they are depressed after a break-up. Some of them drain your energy for other reasons, but they are just as draining. Unempathetic, narcisstic people who always put themselves first and aren’t really interested in your life can be draining. So can drama queens who thrive on negative energy. Friends who never have a good word to say about anything and constantly criticise every little thing are energy vampires. As are friends who are moody and constantly re-arranging the status order of their ‘best friends’; these are skilled at pitting people against each other and love causing ructions in your social circle. Stay clear of friends who don’t value your opinion as they are also draining your energy.

You need to be surrounded by people who build you up, not drain you. And you need to make sure that you don’t become an energy vampire yourself. You need all your energy to pick up the pieces and get your life back on track.

Excerpt from How to say no to sex and other survival tips for the suddenly single.


 

How to know if you're in an abusive relationship?

I wrote a hub about this question some time ago, and still get lots of people commenting and asking my advice as to whether or not they are in an abusive relationship. Here are two queries from that hub. My book on breaking the cycle of bad relationships in your life - Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet, is available on Amazon.com as a paperback or as a kindle.


frozensuitcase 8 days ago
My boyfriend and I were in the kitchen the other night and I was making us a pizza..and he kept eating the ingredients and hovering over me and it was bothering me and he wouldn't listen and leave me alone so I yelled at him to get out. Well he did..but not without a problem. He continued to make snide comments and continually pick at me for what felt like forever. Anyways..he wore me down so much and I was so angry that I made a comment about his ex girlfriend I said "No wonder your ex didn't want to be with you". He got PISSED and punched the plate that was in front of me it shattered and pizza and glass went everywhere. I freaked out and got up and got my suitcase and started packing my clothes and he grabbed me by my arms and threw me down and continued to push me to try to get me to get out of the apartment without my things. And then I retalliated and hit back and he grabbed my throat. He stopped and I was so angry..All I wanted to do was go but he wouldn't let me. He apologized over and over and he did feel awful. I pretended like things were fine and then he went into the field (he's military) the next day I was making plans to leave him. By the following day I had changed my mind because I know I'm at fault also so my reasons no longer feel valid. One time he was ignoring me after a fight and started playing xbox so I unplugged the internet cord and he grabbed me and pushed me down...He's also punched a hole in the wall when angry. I know I can be a bitch and I can provoke him..but is he in the right for what he did or am I being ignorant and trying to excuse him?
ReplyFrozensuitcase, your situation worries me. I worry because both of you seem to have a short fuse. When things get you down you say things you probably shouldn't and you regret later. Unfortunately, your boyfriend reacts to these with violence. Pushing you down, breaking plates, punching holes in things is violent behaviour. If the violence escalates you are going to end up getting very badly hurt. You need to think seriously about what you say that might trigger off his violent outbursts and maybe curb your tongue quite a bit. But more than that, you need to evaluate your relationship, is this what you want for yourself? Do you want to live your life in fear that you might say the wrong thing which will trigger an outburst? Chances are, this is not what you want for yourself. And remember, the only person you can change is yourself. You can't change him, only he can change himself, and he has to desperately want to. To me it sounds like the two of you should think seriously about whether or not you should have a future together. You are a provoker and he is a violent retaliator. That's a recipe for disaster in my book.

Angie 14 hours ago

Wow this has been some what helpful I still don't see my situtation exactly but that really doesn't matter. I feel the need to find someone who is going through exactly what I'm going through because I just can't do it! I've been with my husband for 6.5 years and we've been married for 3 years. He's been the same since the begining but it is only now that I'm having a hard time and that is because we have a 17 month old baby boy who is such a good, easy going kind, a lover! However my husband will call me names like bitch and cunt in front of our son, he has punched the TV, wall, kicked the christmas tree, etc. He's grabbed my by my arms and shock me, pushed me hard into the couch, tells me I'm worthless, I'm lazy..... I only work part time. I'm not allowed or I should say he gives me a really hard time about reading books, running, spend any time with anyone. Don't get me wrong I can do these things but then I would have to listen to him bitch and complain. He is a construction worker so he doesn't have an easy job but he bitchs and bitchs about work. Oh and I forgot to mention he is an acoholic. He's never punched me or the baby. BUt I've gone to my docs to up my anitdepressants and to give me something for my anxiety.

I'm going to ask the most stupidest question ever (I guess I know the answer but don't feel like it is real) am I in an abusive relationship and what should I do?

HELP!
Reply
Angie, it is totally unacceptable for someone to swear at another like that and call them names. Punching the TV, hitting walls and kicking objects are also unacceptable. Grabbing you so that you feel pain and pushing you hard is not on either. You are most definitely in a very abusive relationship. The damage done to your psyche when someone keeps telling you you're lazy and worthless is huge. If he hates his job he shouldn't take it out on you. That's his problem. And his job being hard is not an excuse to abuse you that way. My advice is to get out before he punches you like he punches the wall!

Can you love someone you dislike?

Picture this, you are walking down the street hand in hand with the person you love, birds are tweeting, puppies yapping, flowers blooming and the breeze rustling the leaves of the trees.  Suddenly, your man hoiks and spits on the sidewalk.  You are disgusted.  At that moment, you decide that you dislike him intensely.  He gives you the creeps.  However, fast forward a few hours, and you are beneath your silk sheets, lying there basking in the afterglow of hot passionate steamy sex, closing your eyes and thinking of how much you love this man.  This man, who earlier in the day, had disgusted and repulsed you.  How could this be possible?

Dislike has nothing to do with love and hate.  There is a fine line between love and hate, both being very powerful emotions, and if you love someone so much, you can easily flip to hate when you are angry, and then back to love when you've calmed down a little.  Hate and love feeds off the same kind of energy, that's why they're so closely aligned.  Dislike however, is not an emotion and isn't very powerful at all.  Dislike is a feeling you get.  If you think about it, it's not the person you dislike, but the behaviour.  You dislike hoiking and spitting, picking one's nose in public, those are all behaviours.  Sometimes, we might associate those behaviours with a person.  But the chemistry, the caring, the deep down emotion you feel, that's love and can make you turn a blind eye to the irritating and annoying behaviours you dislike so much.

Often, the reason why you hate someone so much is because you still love them and they hurt you.  The real opposite to love and hate is indifference.  It's absence of emotion; you don't care either way.  Many relationships move from love and hate to indifference.  Without love to act as the cushion, the protective wall to hide away the behaviours you dislike so much, they become bigger, more annoying, until you can no longer stand to be in that person's company.  That usually signifies the end of the relationship.  Try and avoid saying, "Whatever, I don't care," because that means you are indifferent.

So, can you love someone you dislike?  The answer is most definitely YES!  Dislike is a feeling you have towards a behaviour or mannerism; love is a powerul emotion that people will die for, kill for, invade countries for.  Only a psychopath will kill someone for picking their nose in public.

Cindy Vine has written a self-help book on breaking the cycle of bad relationships in your life, called 'Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet.'  In addition, she has written three novels, all dealing with abusive relationships or family dramas of some kind.  They are 'Stop the world, I need to pee!'; 'The Case of Billy B' and 'Not Telling.'  All Cindy's books are available on Smashwords as ebooks, and on Amazon as paperbacks or on Kindle.  You can find out more about Cindy Vine by following her blog http://cindy-vine.blogspot.com/; visiting her website http://cindyvine.com/; or following her on Twitter http://twitter.com/cindyvine or Facebook http://facebook.com/cindyvinefanpage.

A question about rape

What would you do if you knew your estranged sister who had always been mean to you, was marrying a man who had raped you 13 years previously?


I'm busy doing some research for my next book, having finally completed the final proof edit of The Case of Billy B. If you feel you can answer this question, please do so. What would you do? Would you tell her? Would you tell your family? Would you tell your friends? Your sister wants you to forgive her for all the mean things she did to you while growing up. Will you forgive her and then tell her? Would you just keep it a secret? All input much appreciated.
 The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-By-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault

Welcome to my advice blog!

This is my first blog entry on my brand new relationship advice blog! I'll be posting some articles I wrote on here and also answering any relationship questions you might have. A survivor of an abusive marriage, I do have some great insights and strategies that you can use. But, most of all, I do have a great sense of humor, which you need I guess. I have written a book on breaking the cycle of bad relationships in your life, called Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet. It can be purchased directly from Amazon.com or from my website http://cindyvine.com/. I've also written a semi-autobiographical novel on the exploits of Fenella Fisher and her search to find love and the dream man. It also deals with her escape from an abusive marriage. I guess I'm quite interested in abuse and abusive relationships. Anyway, my novel is called Stop the world, I need to pee! and is also available from Amazon.com and off my website.

I've recently completed a new novel called The Case of Billy B which is in the publishing process. That deals with a little boy who is abused by his caregiver. Yeah, all sounds depressing, but it's not really. I guess, there is humor in every situation!

Love to hear from you and get comments!

love

Cindy