Coping with criticism

Critical Friends
Wherever in the world you live, there will always be someone around who feels it their duty to point out exactly what it is you did wrong.  Some people are just hyper-critical, criticising everything from the way you do your job to the shoes you wear.  They see themselves as being ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest.’  The truth is that they have a low self-esteem and only make themselves feel better when they put someone else down.  When your relationship ends, all your critical friends will crawl out of the woodwork and be there to support you with their well-meaning comments and honesty.  Don’t let what they say get you down.  Use their criticism as a tool to develop yourself.
·         Reflect on what they said but don’t brood on the negative parts.  Be honest with yourself and look for the grains of truth and open your mind to them.  What can you change or do better next time?
·         Forget about your ego and be grateful enough that your friend cared enough about you to say what they said.  Don’t attack the messenger.  Hear them out and address any issues that might be raised.
·         Ask questions and ask for examples.  Don’t storm off and lick your wounds in private and build up resentment, rather initiate a discussion so you can clarify what they are saying in your mind.
·         Walk away if you are angry and have a tendency to over-react.  You don’t have to initiate the discussion immediately.  Thank them for their comments, and when you feel calmer think about what they said and then initiate a discussion.
·         Avoid turning yourself into a victim and taking everything to heart.  While there will probably be some truth in what they say, it might be couched in assumptions, speculations and exaggerations and their perspective of things.  Use your common sense to differentiate between what is constructive criticism and what isn’t and don’t lose your perspective.

Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single by Cindy Vine.

Madame Le Safety on Safe Sex

G'day boys and girls

Madame Le Safety: My name is Madame Le Safety and I'm here today to talk to you about SAFE SEX. I'd like to welcome Dr. Knobrot from the Safe Sex Institute as our expert on the show today. Dr Knobrot has spent years studying and practising all aspects of SAFE SEX.
Dr. Knobrot: Hello boys and girls. I am so happy to be here with you today. I heard that you are busy learning all about Health and Safety. For the past 30 years, I have studied all the ins and outs of sex. I have tried to study sex in many different places and have always believed that you have to practise what you preach. As I've preached a lot, that means I've got to practise a lot as well.
Madame Le Safety: Thank you, Dr. Knobrot. Can you please tell us why it is important to practise SAFE SEX? Why do all the boys and girls out there need to be careful?
Dr. Knobrot: Well Madame, and might I just quickly say, I do like the way your skirt rides up your tightly-muscled thighs when you cross your legs. Let's be blunt here. The age of promiscuity is a thing of the past. People bonking in the bushes in public parks and dropping their drawers for total strangers happened in the seventies. We now sit with trying to cope with the afternath of all that shifty shagging. Sexually transmitted diseases are a real problem these days as is AIDS. It's not that you have to know where your sexual partner has been. You also have to know where all their sexual partners have been. I recommend that you get any person you are thinking about having sex with, to fill in the handy dandy sex survey I'll pass you now.
Madame Le Safety: Thanks so much Dr. Knobrot. Oh, I see you've filled in all your details! Three hundred and sixty-five women! Wow! You are experienced! And, oh thank God, you wore a condom every time. But, I'm a little confused, why have you given me a form with your details filled in already?
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe. You never know Madame, what might happen when there is a break in the show.
Madame Le Safety: Ooooo Doctor, you're making me blush and wriggle on my seat.
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehehe. And that's just the start of what I can do, young lady!
Madame Le Safety: Why do you put so much importance on wearing condoms? Many men think it impedes their performance and stifles their masculinity. I must say, I prefer it au naturelle.

Dr. Knobrot: Kind lady, forgoing the condom is a huge mistake. Most people think that a condom is only for preventing an unwanted pregnancy. That's a minor advantage of wearing a condom. A condom helps to prevent you getting a sexually transmitted disease that your sexual partner might have unknowingly picked up on a previous indiscretion. By the way, you can call me Ready Freddy as I always carry a large supply of condoms around with me. I use the extra-large size for extra-large men.
Madame Le Safety: But Doctor...you are only of average height and slight build.
Dr. Knobrot: I have large feet and hands, my lady.
Madame Le Safety: Tee hee tee hee. Oh....you're making me very nervous.
Dr. Knobrot: Last year over 19 million people caught a sexually transmitted disease because they did not wear a condom. This of course, excludes AIDS. The most common STD's are: chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital herpes, human papillomavirus, hepatitis B, trichomoniasis and bacterial vaginosis. Syphilis is another STD that can lead to an early onset of dementia. And at the moment, they reckon over 40 million people in the world have HIV/AIDS. That's a helluva lot of people who can pass on something unpleasant during something that is supposed to be....well, pleasant. Hehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Doctor, I have heard that people can also pass on a cute little pet. Will a condom prevent that?
Dr: Knobrot: Ah, Madame, that cute little pet is a particularly nasty little critter called pubic lice or crabs. You get that and you have to duck into darkened empty rooms and corners to have a good old scratch. Very itchy business, that is. Unfortunately, a condom will not stop pubic lice from jumping from one to another.
Madame Le Safety: I have my own method of practising safe sex.
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe, I know where you are going with that, Madame. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you swallow or spit, when practising fellatio it is best to still use a condom. AIDS especially, is spread by body fluids, so if you have a small cut in your mouth or on your lip and the lucky man ejaculates, then the infected semen can still enter your body through the cut in your mouth. It's better to be safe than sorry. Sometimes, you don't know that you have a cut in your mouth, or an ulcer. When are we having a break? All this talk is making me, er...happy to see you, and I'm a hard man to please if you catch my drift, hehehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Oh, Doctor....Boys and girls, we'll be taking a short break...
Dr. Knobrot: Just 15 minutes, Madame. Would you mind showing me where the bathroom is?
Don't economize, condomize!
Madame Le Safety: Hello, sorry, I'm a little out of breath. It must have been my speed walk back from the bathroom. It helps to keep my butt and thighs firm. Speed-walking, that is.
Dr. Knobrot: And what a firm little butt you have, Madame, hehehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Back to the subject at hand, Doctor.
Dr. Knobrot: And you do have a good hand action, my dear.
Madame Le Safety: Um...er...back to condoms.
Dr. Knobrot: Don't economize, condomize is the slogan I say. If you use a little sex toy, put a condom on it. Whatever orifice is your preference, use a condom. In fact, make sure that any object inserted into the front door or back door is encased in a condom. You don't want semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk or blood to come into contact with your body. Oh, and don't try and beat the global credit crunch by washing your used condoms and re-using them. Throw used condoms away.
Madame Le Safety: But what about when it's my time, er...the women's time to be pleasured?
Dr. Knobrot: Use some plastic wrap like Glad Wrap or Cling Wrap. It's not only for preserving food you know, hehehe. Using a plastic wrap is very kinky. If a man is going to 'eat out', he can put some honey or jam on his side of the plastic wrap and lick away. Of course, if you're Australian you might want to put a dollop of Vegemite on your side of the plastic wrap. South Africans can sprinkle Biltong Sprinkle. This also helps to prevent you from choking to death on a pubic hair which might find its way to the back of your throat.
Madame Le Safety: Plastic wrap? Well I never! Now I've heard everything!
Dr. Knobrot: Menstrual blood can also transmit AIDS and STD's. Definitely don't want that, it's nasty. Hehehehe. If you're 'rimming', it is advisable to use plastic wrap as well. Hehehe, you don't want to catch dingleberries on your tongue!
Madame Le Safety: Rimming?
Dr. Knobrot: Licking the back entrance, Madame. Some people find it, er...erotic. It's good to keep latex gloves on hand as well. You don't want to collect any germs or bacteria if you're using a finger or a fist.
Madame Le Safety: Well, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us about SAFE SEX, Dr. Knobrot. I'm sure that the boys and girls watching the show will stock up on plastic wrap and condoms. Remember, it's better to be safe than sorry.

What is cocooning and why do we do it?

Cocooning is a home furnishing trend?


Chatting to my eldest daughter at lunch one day, just before I broke her finger in the car door, I asked her about her hectic social life. Looking at her Facebook pics, as you do from time to time because you're her mother, tells me that her life is just one big party. "Actually," she replied with a mouth full of artichoke pizza, "I'm cocooning at present. I decided not to go to a big party last night and elected to rather stay home by myself and watch dvds."
"Cocooning?" I asked with a confuddled expression on my face. "What on earth is cocooning?" Immediately, images of silkworm cocoons in an aquarium tank came to mind. I thought that maybe she had taken up a new hobby and was busy spinning and weaving silk threads from cocoons.
My daughter gave me her exasperated, 'can't believe my mom is so dumb' look. "I've been a bit wild and partied a lot, now all I want is some quiet time with myself. I have no desire to go out and be with people. That's what I call cocooning, when I shut myself off from everybody for a while. I go into my cocoon."
"Oh," I said nodding my head with understanding as I took a sip from my diet coke, "Cocooning." I thought back to a time when I was supposed to go to a big 'leaving Nanjing' party around the corner from where I live, and how my bed and the live rugby game on my macbook seemed more of a drawcard, so I stayed home and didn't go. "Actually, I think I'm cocooning at the moment as well."
On my return home, and to take my mind off my daughter's bloodied finger which was in the way when I slammed the car door shut, I immediately researched 'cocooning' to find out if it was a common practice or a new phenomena. I realised, that it was something I'd been doing for years and my daughter probably learnt it from me.

The word 'cocooning' was first identified as a trend in the late 80's early 90's by an author called Faith Popcorn, in her book 'The Popcorn Report: The Future of Your Company, Your World, Your Life.' She basically looked at society and saw that people were going out less as they were cocooning in their homes because work was busy, hectic, and the news in the papers and on TV told them that it’s dangerous to be anywhere but safely ensconced in their castle. This started a whole new trend in the manufacturing of home appliances, home furnishings and electronics. Home theatres, the internet, bars, coffee filter machines, dining room tables that convert into pool tables - all of these made staying at home and entertaining friends far easier (and less expensive) than going out on the town.

Faith Popcorn suggested that cocooning could be broken down into three different types: the socialized cocoon - that's where you stay home and entertain there; the armoured cocoon - that's where you surround yourself with guard dogs or top notch security systems; and the wandering cocoon - where you go outside but shut yourself off from the world around you by covering your ears with a headphone listening to a walkman, now it would be an ipod or mp3. However, I'm not sure that that's what my daughter meant by 'cocooning.' Because, although with the socialized cocoon you are staying home, you are still entertaining and interacting with other people.

I want to be alone

Many years ago, the old actress Greta Garbo's famous tagline was, "I want to be alone." Nowdays, it's the band Green Day who sing, "I want to be alone." Let's face it, Faith Popcorn's views on cocooning aside, we cocoon when we want to be alone. We want quality 'Me-Time.' We can choose to contact people via sms or the internet during our alone time, if that is our desire. But, we choose not to socialize with people in real time, face to face. Virtual interaction is okay, but even then, many times we ignore emails, sms and don't turn on our chat. It's not because we have an antisocial personality. It's not because we are having panic attacks and are in danger of becoming agoraphobic. It's because at that particular time in our life, on that particular day, we need our own space. We want to be alone. There is nothing wrong with anybody for needing that alone time. There is no need to call the men in white jackets to come and carry you away in a straight jacket. In fact, being alone is actually good for your soul.

Why do we sometimes have the desire to be alone?

Humans are social creatures, that is true. But, when you are under stress, when you have a lot on your mind, when you've had a hard day at work, when you are mentally tired, when you have financial hardships, when you have disappointments, when you have hard decisions to make, when your job involves you interacting with people day in and day out, 40 hours a week - then the last thing on your mind is a night out with friends where you are required to be entertaining and make sparkling conversation. At that time in your life, you just can't be bothered. Being nice to people is hard work, especially if you have had to be nice to idiots all day. At times like that, the peace and quiet of your own room or house is Utopia.
Going out somewhere means having to shower, get all dressed up, maybe put on make-up, wash and dry your hair, all of which isn't exactly fun if you're not in the mood and feeling a little irritable or tired. Going out for dinner which is often overpriced and not as good as what you can cook at home, drinking copious amounts of alcohol which adds up, ends up costing you a fortune at the end of the night and causes you to wake up feeling like a train wreck the next morning, makes you wonder if going out is worth it. I'm not too keen on going out during the work week, as I have to wake up at 6am every morning, and waking up with a throbbing head and a thick rubbery tongue and breath that smells like a cross between a brewery and a skunk that crawled in there and died, is no longer an option for me. Maybe I'm just getting old.

Sometimes, your friends might not understand that you are cocooning. They'll bombard you with texts, phonecalls and emails encouraging you to get out and overcome your depression. What they don't realise, is that you are not depressed. You just want time alone to do the things you enjoy and love, without boundaries, restrictions or their input. Be honest and tell your friends, you need to go into your cocoon for a few days and you'll be missing in action for a while. You'll call them when you are ready to leave your cocoon.
We cocoon when we want to reflect on our lives and think about the path we need to take for our future. During this period of introspection, we can grow and develop as we learn to like ourselves and accept who we are. In fact, cocooning should be made compulsory for everyone in a relationship and everyone who has finished school. Teenagers use their ipods and mp3's to cocoon as they shut out the rest of the world and are alone with their thoughts and their music.

A cocoon is quite comfortable and you might relish being unmotivated to do anything. It's almost a case of 'sometimes I just sits and sometimes I sits and thinks.'  Cocooning makes me feel quite free and independent as I'll dictate when I'm ready to leave my cocoon and be part of the social whirl and twirl again. Cocooning is great. You should try it sometime. Just give yourself space to be....well, be yourself..

How to say NO to sex

Okay, this is a bit of a tongue in cheek post! Hey, we don't always have to be serious, do we?
Saying no when you are already in an intimate relationship
There's something about sex that makes it a very sensitive issue. Let's face it, for some reason or other, there are times, very occasional, when we are not in the mood for some death defying act of intimacy. It doesn't matter how handsome or beautiful our partner, or how turned on they might be - there are just those moments when we do not feel the same way. Albeit from a long hard day at work, or because we have other things on our mind, the fact remains, sometimes we are just not up for it. How to say no at those times is actually more difficult than it seems, because sex is just so personal and people tend to take rejection so personally. I can remember once, when my husband was very keen and saying no was probably not an option at that time, I started to sing "Not in the mood, da da da dada, not in the mood, da da da dada!" Luckily, he saw the funny side and started to laugh, his pointed keeness disappeared, and all ended well. That time.
However, it might not always end well. There's something about getting an erection that seems to get a man's testosterone pumping, and they are not always ameniable to "no" at such a time. Some get angry, some get the sulks, so most women give in and give them what they want, even if they are so not in the mood that they are drier than the Sahara Desert in the middle of a heat wave in summer down in their nether regions. The man doesn't worry, he just wants to get his rocks off. Don't let him tell you it's all about love. Because it's not. Sex is an animal thing, it's nothing to do with love. Love is bringing you breakfast in bed and supporting you when you're stressed. Sex is all about getting your end away. It's just a game of 'hide the salami' and you can say "no." But you need to try and say "no" in a way that'll make him smile. (By the way, I'm not really intending to be sexually discriminatory here. It's just that a man doesn't have to verbally say "no." All he has to do is keep his little dried floral arrangement hanging as one flaccid soft on, and the woman will soon get the message that he's not in the mood. Yeah, who said life was fair.)
So, instead of the overused, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache," try one of the following:
1.Fart loudly as they cuddle up to you.
2.Jump out of bed, race to the bathroom and pretend to get sick.
3.Start gagging when they try and kiss you.
4.Pretend to go down to give a blow job, and then start coughing and spluttering all over their privates.
5.Ask if they have some sandpaper as you have a vaginal itch that simple scratching cannot alleviate.
6.Pretend that they have such bad body odour that you're almost passing out from the smell.
7.Start snoring loudly the minute your head hits the pillow.
8.Pick up a magazine and start flipping through the pages and feign disinterest in any attempt they might try to get intimate.
9.Accidentally pour a glass of cold water on their rod of iron.
10.Pour some water on the bed and say, "Oops, I just wet the bed."
11.Fake an orgasm before they even get started.
12.Ask, "Is it in yet?"
13.Start nagging about something they haven't done that they were supposed to have done.
14.Stare up at the ceiling and whistle tunelessly.
15.If all else fails, lie back and think of England.
Saying NO when you're on a date
Of course, this all depends on whether you'd like to see the person again or not, as to how you should deter amorous advances of the intimate kind. If you really do like the person, but it's more that you're not ready for sex or want to hold out until you get married, or prefer to know the person longer than five minutes before you get down and dirty, then sometimes honesty is the best policy. Explain your reasons for not wanting to play 'hide the salami' on the first date. You usually have a 50% chance of seeing the guy again. Unfortunately, there are so many others who put out, and if all the guy is looking for is a good time, they'll keep looking until they get it. Maybe you don't want to hurt their feelings and say "no", or maybe you said "no" and they thought you were just being funny and really meant "yes." What can you do to avoid committing the dastardly deed? What can you do to avoid sex?
So instead of the overused, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me," you can try the following:
1.When they drop their boxers, point and laugh hysterically.
2.When they reveal their little member, ask, "Is that all there is?"
3.Say, "Omigod, I have throw-up in my mouth!"
4."I'm just waiting for the results of my AIDS check. Can't believe my ex just found out he has AIDS."
5."Do you also have Herpes?"
6. "I always wanted to have a baby!"
7."I'm mentally a fifteen year old so if you have sex with me it'll be a felony."
8."I'm not drunk enough to find you a turn on."
9."Sorry, not that desperate."
10."I've always preferred older experienced men, like your father."
11."Is that your cologne I'm allergic to, or is it just you that's making me sneeze?"
12."You'll never earn enough money to pay for what I've got here."
13."Is Herpes catchy?"
14."Will sex cure a chronic vaginal itch?"
15."Sorry, no time for fun tonight, I have to bleach my pubic hair."
16."Can my mother watch to see if I'm doing it right?"
17."My Dad is so protective. He smashed up my ex-boyfriend's car."
18.Give him a giant condom and laugh hysterically when it's too big for his little member.
19.And if all else fails, "I am having such a heavy period this month, sex with me will be like a bloodbath in the worst horror movie ever."