Coping with criticism

Critical Friends
Wherever in the world you live, there will always be someone around who feels it their duty to point out exactly what it is you did wrong.  Some people are just hyper-critical, criticising everything from the way you do your job to the shoes you wear.  They see themselves as being ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest.’  The truth is that they have a low self-esteem and only make themselves feel better when they put someone else down.  When your relationship ends, all your critical friends will crawl out of the woodwork and be there to support you with their well-meaning comments and honesty.  Don’t let what they say get you down.  Use their criticism as a tool to develop yourself.
·         Reflect on what they said but don’t brood on the negative parts.  Be honest with yourself and look for the grains of truth and open your mind to them.  What can you change or do better next time?
·         Forget about your ego and be grateful enough that your friend cared enough about you to say what they said.  Don’t attack the messenger.  Hear them out and address any issues that might be raised.
·         Ask questions and ask for examples.  Don’t storm off and lick your wounds in private and build up resentment, rather initiate a discussion so you can clarify what they are saying in your mind.
·         Walk away if you are angry and have a tendency to over-react.  You don’t have to initiate the discussion immediately.  Thank them for their comments, and when you feel calmer think about what they said and then initiate a discussion.
·         Avoid turning yourself into a victim and taking everything to heart.  While there will probably be some truth in what they say, it might be couched in assumptions, speculations and exaggerations and their perspective of things.  Use your common sense to differentiate between what is constructive criticism and what isn’t and don’t lose your perspective.

Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single by Cindy Vine.

Managing Conflict

Rules of Engagement
·         You need two people to have an argument.
·         Keep your pride in your pocket.
·         Cancel out your need to control the other person.
·         Minimalise the manipulation.
·         Keep the past in the old kitbag, don’t unpack it and bring up what happened before.
·         Focus only on the current issue.
·         Take time out if you need it.
·         Don’t start arguing after you’ve consumed alcohol.
·         Avoid raising your voice and shouting.
·         If you’re so angry you’re seeing red, leave the discussion for another day.
Winning isn’t everything
People express their anger in different ways and it’s good to let it out rather than smoulder silently and build up resentment.  Some couples thrive on violent arguments and the passionate making up afterwards.  However, there is a time to speak out and a time to shut up.  You have to learn how to pick your battles.  Sometimes it’s best to zip those lips and keep quiet and let the other person throw their wobbly and let off steam without you saying a word.  You don’t want to enter their angry place if getting involved will turn you into a) a scapegoat; b) a punching bag; c) the enemy; or worse still d) an accomplice. 
When someone loses their temper they stop thinking rationally and there is no point trying to reason with them as at that moment they are probably not capable of a coherent thought.  If you try and get involved in the dialogue at this time, then you will get pulled into their drama.  Seriously, you have enough drama in your life already so why do you want to be a part of someone else’s drama?  That is just asking for trouble.  There is absolutely nothing to gain from engaging with them.
Dialogue and communication are good, but only when all the parties concerned have calmed down and had a chance to reflect on what got them so fired up in the first place.  If you didn’t like the other party’s behaviour, when they have calmed down use ‘I statements.’  Example,” I feel scared when you shout at me and throw things around the house.  I would prefer it if you would lock yourself in your study until you have calmed down.”  ‘I statements’ highlight the behaviour and stops it from being a personal attack, thus avoiding instigating the flare-up of the conflict all over again.
If the cause of the conflict is just not that important to you then let it go.  Don’t fight for the sake of fighting it just causes unpleasantness.  Examine your motives.  If you are wanting to speak out and join the fray out of spite and revenge, or intentionally want to cause the other hurt, then keep your mouth shut and bite your tongue.  However, if speaking up will ease a harmful situation or be good for the other person in the long run then engaging might be for the best. 
Conflict shouldn’t be about being a winner or a loser.  You don’t have to agree with everybody all the time, but engaging in a conflict situation just sets both sides up for being losers.  There is a time to voice your opinion and have your say.  Just make sure that you pick the right time to have it.

Energy Vampires

Leave the suckers for Twilight

We’ve all experienced it at one time or other, a friend who is distraught after a break-up and bends your ear every time they see you with stories of their ex and their biased analysis of why their relationship didn’t work. Nothing much logical or rational passes through their lips. At first you were supportive and understanding, but let’s face it, there’s a limit you can take and after a while it just becomes wearisome and draining. You feel too guilty to say no to them when they turn up dejected on your doorstep. The result is that you start making excuses not to spend time with them and eventually your friendship will start to suffer. These people are energy vampires, feeding off your energy and draining you until you yourself become depressed.

When you go through a break-up you need to make sure that you do not become an energy vampire. Initially there will be a temporary over-charged emotional phase, make sure you pick a friend with vast emotional reserves to suck energy from. But then you need to be kind to yourself and stop it. Admit where you’ve become like a stuck record and amend your behaviour. A good thing for friends to do is to make a pact. You’ll feed off each other up until a certain predetermined point, and then your friend will gently tell you when it’s enough. This requires trust and honesty in your relationship, and you have to listen when your friend says enough is enough. It’s important that these boundaries be backed up with definite consequences, otherwise the energy-feeding will continue.

If you’re going through a break-up yourself you need to sweep your house clean of any and all energy vampires. When you’re a wreck is not the time to be a rescuer and be there for someone else to let prey on you. Physically remove yourself from that person and distance yourself emotionally. If you are already in a weakened state, letting an emotional vampire feed off you will just make your situation worse and cause you to crash.

Not all energy vampires are created equal, and not all of them are in that space because they are depressed after a break-up. Some of them drain your energy for other reasons, but they are just as draining. Unempathetic, narcisstic people who always put themselves first and aren’t really interested in your life can be draining. So can drama queens who thrive on negative energy. Friends who never have a good word to say about anything and constantly criticise every little thing are energy vampires. As are friends who are moody and constantly re-arranging the status order of their ‘best friends’; these are skilled at pitting people against each other and love causing ructions in your social circle. Stay clear of friends who don’t value your opinion as they are also draining your energy.

You need to be surrounded by people who build you up, not drain you. And you need to make sure that you don’t become an energy vampire yourself. You need all your energy to pick up the pieces and get your life back on track.

Excerpt from How to say no to sex and other survival tips for the suddenly single.


 

How to know if your man is cheating

Cheating men always leave signs. You just have to know where to look for them and if you have a gut-feeling he’s cheating, you’re probably right. Unfortunately while there’s many good things about technology, one of the negatives is that there are many websites popping up promoting discrete affairs between married and committed people. Finding someone to cheat with has never been easier! All he needs is an anonymous username and a profile and he’ll be inundated with ladies looking for adventure.

To catch a cheater, you need to set a trap. If you find he’s on a website advertising his abilities, you need to find out the name of the website and set up your own profile. When he contacts you for a date, you’ve caught him! Most men wait for you to leave town before they invite their date to your house. If you think this is happening, all you need to do is pretend to be leaving town on business and then sit across the road and watch your house. Make sure you have plenty of magazines to read and snacks to eat. Other men have ‘business lunches’ or have to ‘work late.’ If you suspect this is happening, then you might need to get out your stalker outfit and start following him. There is no need to be overly dramatic and hire a detective. For a start, they are pretty pricey and you’ll be paying for it, not your cheating man. Instead, you might want to do some online shopping. If you are computer-savvy, you can get key logger software to see exactly what he is typing and which websites he visits. A voice-activated digital tape recorder cunningly placed under his car seat will record all in-car conversations. Although a little on the pricey side, a GPS tracking device will help you know where his car is parked every minute of the day.

Another way to catch him, is to pretend you know more than you do. Make as if you have hard concrete evidence of his infidelity. Give him a chance to ‘come clean.’ Tell him that if he continues to lie to you, it’ll make the whole unpleasant situation a lot worse. Tell him he’s got overnight to sleep on it and think about it. Although most men will continue to lie, if you are a good enough actress and can carry off the ruse there is a good chance he’ll confess and give you the information you are looking for. Of course, it can backfire and make him cover his tracks even better.

So, what signs can show that your man is cheating? You find bills sent to a post office box you knew nothing about; the passenger seat in his car has been moved; long blonde hairs on his clothes when both of you are short brunettes; cigarette smoke smell when neither of you smoke; lipstick on his shirt collar; your dog starts to shag his leg; a smell of perfume that’s not yours; turns his phone off when he’s with you; leaves the room and closes the door behind him when he gets a call; cellphone bills that show calls of a long duration; internet browse history shows dating sites or porn sites; credit card bills contain unknown charges; his car is suddenly chomping its way through fuel and becoming a gas guzzler; he suddenly becomes obsessed with his body and his looks and joins a gym or applies a fake tan; his secretary appears to be screening his calls at work; he starts working later; you catch his friends out lying as they cover for him; unexplained receipts in his wallet; out-of-the-norm ATM withdrawals. All of these indicate a change in his behaviour, and that is probably what fired up your gut feeling to start with.

It’s hard to describe the shitty feeling you get when you discover you’ve been cheated on. Chances are, you’ll experience the whole range of emotions from grief to revenge. Your self-esteem will take a serious knock, but think of it this way – you are better off without him, because once a cheater always a cheater. If he cheated on a previous girlfriend or wife with you, there’s a good chance he’ll do it again. A leopard can only change its spots of it wants to, and many cheaters so enjoy the thrill of the chase, the danger of getting caught, that they have no inclination to change their cheating ways. You deserve much better than a lying cheating man.

How to know if you're in an abusive relationship?

I wrote a hub about this question some time ago, and still get lots of people commenting and asking my advice as to whether or not they are in an abusive relationship. Here are two queries from that hub. My book on breaking the cycle of bad relationships in your life - Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet, is available on Amazon.com as a paperback or as a kindle.


frozensuitcase 8 days ago
My boyfriend and I were in the kitchen the other night and I was making us a pizza..and he kept eating the ingredients and hovering over me and it was bothering me and he wouldn't listen and leave me alone so I yelled at him to get out. Well he did..but not without a problem. He continued to make snide comments and continually pick at me for what felt like forever. Anyways..he wore me down so much and I was so angry that I made a comment about his ex girlfriend I said "No wonder your ex didn't want to be with you". He got PISSED and punched the plate that was in front of me it shattered and pizza and glass went everywhere. I freaked out and got up and got my suitcase and started packing my clothes and he grabbed me by my arms and threw me down and continued to push me to try to get me to get out of the apartment without my things. And then I retalliated and hit back and he grabbed my throat. He stopped and I was so angry..All I wanted to do was go but he wouldn't let me. He apologized over and over and he did feel awful. I pretended like things were fine and then he went into the field (he's military) the next day I was making plans to leave him. By the following day I had changed my mind because I know I'm at fault also so my reasons no longer feel valid. One time he was ignoring me after a fight and started playing xbox so I unplugged the internet cord and he grabbed me and pushed me down...He's also punched a hole in the wall when angry. I know I can be a bitch and I can provoke him..but is he in the right for what he did or am I being ignorant and trying to excuse him?
ReplyFrozensuitcase, your situation worries me. I worry because both of you seem to have a short fuse. When things get you down you say things you probably shouldn't and you regret later. Unfortunately, your boyfriend reacts to these with violence. Pushing you down, breaking plates, punching holes in things is violent behaviour. If the violence escalates you are going to end up getting very badly hurt. You need to think seriously about what you say that might trigger off his violent outbursts and maybe curb your tongue quite a bit. But more than that, you need to evaluate your relationship, is this what you want for yourself? Do you want to live your life in fear that you might say the wrong thing which will trigger an outburst? Chances are, this is not what you want for yourself. And remember, the only person you can change is yourself. You can't change him, only he can change himself, and he has to desperately want to. To me it sounds like the two of you should think seriously about whether or not you should have a future together. You are a provoker and he is a violent retaliator. That's a recipe for disaster in my book.

Angie 14 hours ago

Wow this has been some what helpful I still don't see my situtation exactly but that really doesn't matter. I feel the need to find someone who is going through exactly what I'm going through because I just can't do it! I've been with my husband for 6.5 years and we've been married for 3 years. He's been the same since the begining but it is only now that I'm having a hard time and that is because we have a 17 month old baby boy who is such a good, easy going kind, a lover! However my husband will call me names like bitch and cunt in front of our son, he has punched the TV, wall, kicked the christmas tree, etc. He's grabbed my by my arms and shock me, pushed me hard into the couch, tells me I'm worthless, I'm lazy..... I only work part time. I'm not allowed or I should say he gives me a really hard time about reading books, running, spend any time with anyone. Don't get me wrong I can do these things but then I would have to listen to him bitch and complain. He is a construction worker so he doesn't have an easy job but he bitchs and bitchs about work. Oh and I forgot to mention he is an acoholic. He's never punched me or the baby. BUt I've gone to my docs to up my anitdepressants and to give me something for my anxiety.

I'm going to ask the most stupidest question ever (I guess I know the answer but don't feel like it is real) am I in an abusive relationship and what should I do?

HELP!
Reply
Angie, it is totally unacceptable for someone to swear at another like that and call them names. Punching the TV, hitting walls and kicking objects are also unacceptable. Grabbing you so that you feel pain and pushing you hard is not on either. You are most definitely in a very abusive relationship. The damage done to your psyche when someone keeps telling you you're lazy and worthless is huge. If he hates his job he shouldn't take it out on you. That's his problem. And his job being hard is not an excuse to abuse you that way. My advice is to get out before he punches you like he punches the wall!

Why remain a caterpillar?

Kim Upstone is a great motivational speaker who believes in encouraging people to find joy and peace in their lives.  Here is a brilliant piece of motivational writing from Kim, which I felt I just had to share.

Why Remain A Caterpillar When You Could Be A Butterfly?
“How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” Trina Paulus


How often do we look up and see a beautiful butterfly soaring in the sky, notice their gorgeous colors reflected in the sunlight with the backdrop of the blue sky above them and envy their freedom. What a view of the world they must see. They seem to glide so naturally and effortlessly on the most gentle of breezes. Do you wish you could be a butterfly? No worries, no cares, what freedom they must feel. It must be wonderful being a butterfly.

We may forget that they were once a mere caterpillar. Grounded, with a limited view of the world, unable to see all the beauty that was available to them, opportunities that only the view from the vast sky can provide. It took great courage to climb alone to the top of the tree, leaving behind all their caterpillar friends. Everyone begging them not to take the risk. Stay on the ground, remain in the safety of the low branches.

Of course the butterfly is an analogy for us. How often do we remain grounded when we really want to fly? We can come up with so many reasons to remain grounded and not risk flying. We have every excuse; I don’t have the time or the energy, I work too many hours, I have children, family, friends that need me, on and on it goes. You think it would be nice to fly, you may even dream of flying, but then the negative thoughts bring you back to earth. You are not all that fond of heights, all your caterpillar friends aren’t flying and you would be up there all alone. Why take the risk?

Each of the reasons that you shouldn’t try to fly will be eclipsed by one compelling reason you should. All it takes is one reason. That one compelling reason combined with a change in your thinking can motivate you to climb higher and higher in the tree. The higher you push yourself the easier it is to see the vast horizon and the opportunities not available to all the caterpillars remaining safely on the ground. You must trust that the wings you have been working hard to strengthen will serve you when you need them most. Allowing you to leap confidently from the top of the tree and soar in the wind.

Don’t worry about all the caterpillars that are still grounded. Once you have taken the leap yourself and are strong you may choose to return to help motivate them. You can show them that they have nothing to fear by climbing higher and taking the risk. You are now an example of what you can do if you decide to keep trying, showing that there is no limit to what you can accomplish with a compelling goal. Telling them that it does takes hard work but the benefit of the unlimited opportunities and the freedom of flying is well worth the risk.

You can share with them that you have met other butterflies that have ventured where you haven’t, tried things you have yet to try and taken even bigger risks than you could have ever imagined. Now that you can see the view of unlimited opportunities, you are going to go even higher. You now know that your wings are strong enough to take you anywhere you decide to go. You are no longer limited to the ground or even the top of the tree, you can now see an endless horizon and are eager to begin new adventures.

Be careful not become so preoccupied yourself with flying higher and higher that you forget to enjoy the beautiful view from where you are at each moment! Remind yourself often how wonderful the wind feels and how lucky you are to have been born a caterpillar who was given the opportunity to become a butterfly.

Decide today! Create a compelling reason you should become a butterfly!There is no reason to remain grounded when you were born to fly. Show off your colors, trust yourself, leap from the branch, soar with the wind!Kim Upstone
All I Want is Everything
Genre: Self-Help/Women’s Issues
Publisher: Infinity Publishing
ISBN:0741458195

Common mistakes men make during sex

Coitus Unpleasurablis


Many men think that sex is instinctive and is something that just happens naturally. But, leaving your woman fully satisfied takes hard work and practise. You have to know what you are doing, or where you are going, for it to be an enjoyable experience for your lucky lady. There are common mistakes made by the most practised and experienced of men, that they have gotten away with for many years, because women just lay back and pretend to enjoy it. The odd moan here and there while you are thinking of how you want to redo your lounge curtains is enough to keep a man pumping away. Well, the time has come for some honesty here. Men need to know that certain things they do that cause us to moan in frustration, or cry out in pain, are not signs that we are voicing our pleasure. If we don't tell them, they'll never know. Who cares about their fragile little egos, and that the truth might cause instant hydraulic failure. They need to know the truth, and I have volunteered to be the one to tell them. So, here it is.

Mistake numero uno - Going straight for the naughty bits

You give a little kiss, for you that might be the only foreplay, get them threads off and voila! Dive straight in. Guys, a kiss is not foreplay. We want more than that. Kiss + clothing removal DOES NOT = lubrication. Goodness, what are you men thinking? Just think of us as ice maidens that need to be warmed up first. And I mean, seriously warmed up. Some of you men think you are open cast mining and go straight for the hole. Others, have this fixation with the nipples. Licking and sucking is pleasurable, but sucking on them like a 3 month old baby who slept through the night for the first time and wakes up starving? That's not on. Nipples are sensitive, and if you give them callouses they'll stop working.

Mistake Number Two - Tonsil Hockey

For some men kissing is like playing a game of tonsil hockey. They think the deeper they stick in their tongue, the more sexy it is. Some of us do have the gag reflex, you know! Passionate kissing is an art form and something that you have to practise. A lot. Sticking a tongue in a mouth and using to try and floss the other person's teeth is not kissing.

Mistake Number Three - Uncalled for workmanlike behaviour

You might like women to use a bit of force when grabbing your golden banana, but when you use force on us it is extremely unpleasurable. In fact, it is quite painful. The clitoris has twice as many nerves as the penis, and they are all centred in a very small area. In fact, so small, it might be very hard to find. But finding it is not an expedition where you have to wear your wellington boots. Finding the clitoris is another art form. Most women know where theirs is, so just ask them to guide you. And when you do find it, don't treat it like Shakespeare with his, "Out damn spot." It's also not like shoes that you have to polish hard to make them shine. No matter how hard you polish the clitoris, it will never shine. Ever. What you will do with your rough workmanlike polishing or rubbing technique, will be to make it so painful and sensitive, that it will momentarily lose its ability to create pleasant sensations. And when that happens, the surrounding area becomes dessicated like coconut.

Mistake Number Four - Doing an Interview with a Vampire personation

Giving someone a hickey is not putting a mark on them. It's what teenagers do because they don't know better. It is not sexy, it is not erotic, and if someone tries to do that to me, I might accidentally knee them in the crotch. The same with nibbling on ears. Frankly, if someone touches me behind my neck or touches my ears I get cold shivers. So if you bite my ear, I'm afraid it's the death penalty, mister. You are not a vampire. Being eaten by another human being is what cannibals do. We have evolved from that. I remember when I worked on a racehorse stud farm, the over-excited stallion bit the mare on the neck, and she lashed out and kicked him in the gonads. And they were animals and it wasn't acceptable.

Mistake Number Five - Dirty Dan

Okay, so men have dangly bits. Rather like a dried floral arrangement. Don't go near a woman if you have not carefully cleaned your little appendage and the little ball bag. Make sure you lift up the scrotum and wash all those little gross creepy thingies that collect there. Like, some of your dingleberries that traveled and hid in what they hoped was a moist area. Never attempt sex unclean. Yugh! I need a drink just thinking about it. Women have a far more sensitive nose and we smell stuff you might not.

Mistake Number Six - Stopping before you really get started

How many times do women get to the point of orgasm, and then the man stops, and hops on for the ride? Just because she is lying there enjoying what you are doing, doesn't mean that you should stop! Only when she pushes you away do you know that she has achieved orgasm and her clitoris is far too sensitive for extra touching. Do we have to spell it all out for you? Not all women do a Meg Ryan and makes a racket so that even the windows vibrate. If you are not sure, ask. Don't just stop mid-stroke and leave her unfulfilled while you get your rocks off.

Mistake Number Seven - The socks

Don't ever ever ever ever remove your underwear before you remove your socks. There is nothing more pathetic, than a man standing wearing nothing but socks. It's a bit of a passion killer. And don't dare jump into bed wearing nothing but socks! I don't care how cold your feet are!

Mistake Number Eight - Meaningless Conversation

There is nothing worse than a man who after a good session of sex asks, "And how was it for you dear?" God, if you don't know, pretend you know. Because, by asking you are basically admitting that you don't have a clue what you are doing. Rather ask something like, "Did you prefer the front door to the back door?" Or something equally romantic. Asking how it was kills all the afterglow and desire for seconds.

Mistake Number Nine - Forceful Fellatio

As mentioned earlier, some women have a well-developed gag reflex. Licking the appendage as one licks an icecream is okay and acceptable for most women. Deep Throat was a movie and not necessary real life. Some women can't breathe through their nose when they have an erect member blocking their breathing passage. And if you get excited, going in deeper will literally tickle their tummies. Don't get upset if you end up with their dinner over your pride and joy. Pubic hairs stuck in teeth are not a substitute for floss. Remember, not all women like the taste of your manufactured product, so ask before you offload your wares.

Mistake Number Ten - Sweet Dreams

When all's done, and you've ejaculated at the right time, and in the right place, remember to cuddle and maybe chat a little. Rolling off sated, and lying on your back going straight to sleep, and snoring loudly, is not on at all. It's actually rather selfish. Women have needs after the deed is done as well.