Coitus Unpleasurablis
Many men think that sex is instinctive and is something that just happens naturally. But, leaving your woman fully satisfied takes hard work and practise. You have to know what you are doing, or where you are going, for it to be an enjoyable experience for your lucky lady. There are common mistakes made by the most practised and experienced of men, that they have gotten away with for many years, because women just lay back and pretend to enjoy it. The odd moan here and there while you are thinking of how you want to redo your lounge curtains is enough to keep a man pumping away. Well, the time has come for some honesty here. Men need to know that certain things they do that cause us to moan in frustration, or cry out in pain, are not signs that we are voicing our pleasure. If we don't tell them, they'll never know. Who cares about their fragile little egos, and that the truth might cause instant hydraulic failure. They need to know the truth, and I have volunteered to be the one to tell them. So, here it is.
Mistake numero uno - Going straight for the naughty bits
You give a little kiss, for you that might be the only foreplay, get them threads off and voila! Dive straight in. Guys, a kiss is not foreplay. We want more than that. Kiss + clothing removal DOES NOT = lubrication. Goodness, what are you men thinking? Just think of us as ice maidens that need to be warmed up first. And I mean, seriously warmed up. Some of you men think you are open cast mining and go straight for the hole. Others, have this fixation with the nipples. Licking and sucking is pleasurable, but sucking on them like a 3 month old baby who slept through the night for the first time and wakes up starving? That's not on. Nipples are sensitive, and if you give them callouses they'll stop working.
Mistake Number Two - Tonsil Hockey
For some men kissing is like playing a game of tonsil hockey. They think the deeper they stick in their tongue, the more sexy it is. Some of us do have the gag reflex, you know! Passionate kissing is an art form and something that you have to practise. A lot. Sticking a tongue in a mouth and using to try and floss the other person's teeth is not kissing.
Mistake Number Three - Uncalled for workmanlike behaviour
You might like women to use a bit of force when grabbing your golden banana, but when you use force on us it is extremely unpleasurable. In fact, it is quite painful. The clitoris has twice as many nerves as the penis, and they are all centred in a very small area. In fact, so small, it might be very hard to find. But finding it is not an expedition where you have to wear your wellington boots. Finding the clitoris is another art form. Most women know where theirs is, so just ask them to guide you. And when you do find it, don't treat it like Shakespeare with his, "Out damn spot." It's also not like shoes that you have to polish hard to make them shine. No matter how hard you polish the clitoris, it will never shine. Ever. What you will do with your rough workmanlike polishing or rubbing technique, will be to make it so painful and sensitive, that it will momentarily lose its ability to create pleasant sensations. And when that happens, the surrounding area becomes dessicated like coconut.
Mistake Number Four - Doing an Interview with a Vampire personation
Giving someone a hickey is not putting a mark on them. It's what teenagers do because they don't know better. It is not sexy, it is not erotic, and if someone tries to do that to me, I might accidentally knee them in the crotch. The same with nibbling on ears. Frankly, if someone touches me behind my neck or touches my ears I get cold shivers. So if you bite my ear, I'm afraid it's the death penalty, mister. You are not a vampire. Being eaten by another human being is what cannibals do. We have evolved from that. I remember when I worked on a racehorse stud farm, the over-excited stallion bit the mare on the neck, and she lashed out and kicked him in the gonads. And they were animals and it wasn't acceptable.
Mistake Number Five - Dirty Dan
Okay, so men have dangly bits. Rather like a dried floral arrangement. Don't go near a woman if you have not carefully cleaned your little appendage and the little ball bag. Make sure you lift up the scrotum and wash all those little gross creepy thingies that collect there. Like, some of your dingleberries that traveled and hid in what they hoped was a moist area. Never attempt sex unclean. Yugh! I need a drink just thinking about it. Women have a far more sensitive nose and we smell stuff you might not.
Mistake Number Six - Stopping before you really get started
How many times do women get to the point of orgasm, and then the man stops, and hops on for the ride? Just because she is lying there enjoying what you are doing, doesn't mean that you should stop! Only when she pushes you away do you know that she has achieved orgasm and her clitoris is far too sensitive for extra touching. Do we have to spell it all out for you? Not all women do a Meg Ryan and makes a racket so that even the windows vibrate. If you are not sure, ask. Don't just stop mid-stroke and leave her unfulfilled while you get your rocks off.
Mistake Number Seven - The socks
Don't ever ever ever ever remove your underwear before you remove your socks. There is nothing more pathetic, than a man standing wearing nothing but socks. It's a bit of a passion killer. And don't dare jump into bed wearing nothing but socks! I don't care how cold your feet are!
Mistake Number Eight - Meaningless Conversation
There is nothing worse than a man who after a good session of sex asks, "And how was it for you dear?" God, if you don't know, pretend you know. Because, by asking you are basically admitting that you don't have a clue what you are doing. Rather ask something like, "Did you prefer the front door to the back door?" Or something equally romantic. Asking how it was kills all the afterglow and desire for seconds.
Mistake Number Nine - Forceful Fellatio
As mentioned earlier, some women have a well-developed gag reflex. Licking the appendage as one licks an icecream is okay and acceptable for most women. Deep Throat was a movie and not necessary real life. Some women can't breathe through their nose when they have an erect member blocking their breathing passage. And if you get excited, going in deeper will literally tickle their tummies. Don't get upset if you end up with their dinner over your pride and joy. Pubic hairs stuck in teeth are not a substitute for floss. Remember, not all women like the taste of your manufactured product, so ask before you offload your wares.
Mistake Number Ten - Sweet Dreams
When all's done, and you've ejaculated at the right time, and in the right place, remember to cuddle and maybe chat a little. Rolling off sated, and lying on your back going straight to sleep, and snoring loudly, is not on at all. It's actually rather selfish. Women have needs after the deed is done as well.
Showing posts with label mistakes during sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mistakes during sex. Show all posts
Monday, August 23, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Madame Le Safety on Safe Sex
G'day boys and girls
Madame Le Safety: My name is Madame Le Safety and I'm here today to talk to you about SAFE SEX. I'd like to welcome Dr. Knobrot from the Safe Sex Institute as our expert on the show today. Dr Knobrot has spent years studying and practising all aspects of SAFE SEX.
Dr. Knobrot: Hello boys and girls. I am so happy to be here with you today. I heard that you are busy learning all about Health and Safety. For the past 30 years, I have studied all the ins and outs of sex. I have tried to study sex in many different places and have always believed that you have to practise what you preach. As I've preached a lot, that means I've got to practise a lot as well.
Madame Le Safety: Thank you, Dr. Knobrot. Can you please tell us why it is important to practise SAFE SEX? Why do all the boys and girls out there need to be careful?
Dr. Knobrot: Well Madame, and might I just quickly say, I do like the way your skirt rides up your tightly-muscled thighs when you cross your legs. Let's be blunt here. The age of promiscuity is a thing of the past. People bonking in the bushes in public parks and dropping their drawers for total strangers happened in the seventies. We now sit with trying to cope with the afternath of all that shifty shagging. Sexually transmitted diseases are a real problem these days as is AIDS. It's not that you have to know where your sexual partner has been. You also have to know where all their sexual partners have been. I recommend that you get any person you are thinking about having sex with, to fill in the handy dandy sex survey I'll pass you now.
Madame Le Safety: Thanks so much Dr. Knobrot. Oh, I see you've filled in all your details! Three hundred and sixty-five women! Wow! You are experienced! And, oh thank God, you wore a condom every time. But, I'm a little confused, why have you given me a form with your details filled in already?
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe. You never know Madame, what might happen when there is a break in the show.
Madame Le Safety: Ooooo Doctor, you're making me blush and wriggle on my seat.
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehehe. And that's just the start of what I can do, young lady!
Madame Le Safety: Why do you put so much importance on wearing condoms? Many men think it impedes their performance and stifles their masculinity. I must say, I prefer it au naturelle.
Dr. Knobrot: Kind lady, forgoing the condom is a huge mistake. Most people think that a condom is only for preventing an unwanted pregnancy. That's a minor advantage of wearing a condom. A condom helps to prevent you getting a sexually transmitted disease that your sexual partner might have unknowingly picked up on a previous indiscretion. By the way, you can call me Ready Freddy as I always carry a large supply of condoms around with me. I use the extra-large size for extra-large men.
Madame Le Safety: But Doctor...you are only of average height and slight build.
Dr. Knobrot: I have large feet and hands, my lady.
Madame Le Safety: Tee hee tee hee. Oh....you're making me very nervous.
Dr. Knobrot: Last year over 19 million people caught a sexually transmitted disease because they did not wear a condom. This of course, excludes AIDS. The most common STD's are: chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital herpes, human papillomavirus, hepatitis B, trichomoniasis and bacterial vaginosis. Syphilis is another STD that can lead to an early onset of dementia. And at the moment, they reckon over 40 million people in the world have HIV/AIDS. That's a helluva lot of people who can pass on something unpleasant during something that is supposed to be....well, pleasant. Hehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Doctor, I have heard that people can also pass on a cute little pet. Will a condom prevent that?
Dr: Knobrot: Ah, Madame, that cute little pet is a particularly nasty little critter called pubic lice or crabs. You get that and you have to duck into darkened empty rooms and corners to have a good old scratch. Very itchy business, that is. Unfortunately, a condom will not stop pubic lice from jumping from one to another.
Madame Le Safety: I have my own method of practising safe sex.
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe, I know where you are going with that, Madame. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you swallow or spit, when practising fellatio it is best to still use a condom. AIDS especially, is spread by body fluids, so if you have a small cut in your mouth or on your lip and the lucky man ejaculates, then the infected semen can still enter your body through the cut in your mouth. It's better to be safe than sorry. Sometimes, you don't know that you have a cut in your mouth, or an ulcer. When are we having a break? All this talk is making me, er...happy to see you, and I'm a hard man to please if you catch my drift, hehehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Oh, Doctor....Boys and girls, we'll be taking a short break...
Dr. Knobrot: Just 15 minutes, Madame. Would you mind showing me where the bathroom is?
Don't economize, condomize!
Madame Le Safety: Hello, sorry, I'm a little out of breath. It must have been my speed walk back from the bathroom. It helps to keep my butt and thighs firm. Speed-walking, that is.
Dr. Knobrot: And what a firm little butt you have, Madame, hehehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Back to the subject at hand, Doctor.
Dr. Knobrot: And you do have a good hand action, my dear.
Madame Le Safety: Um...er...back to condoms.
Dr. Knobrot: Don't economize, condomize is the slogan I say. If you use a little sex toy, put a condom on it. Whatever orifice is your preference, use a condom. In fact, make sure that any object inserted into the front door or back door is encased in a condom. You don't want semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk or blood to come into contact with your body. Oh, and don't try and beat the global credit crunch by washing your used condoms and re-using them. Throw used condoms away.
Madame Le Safety: But what about when it's my time, er...the women's time to be pleasured?
Dr. Knobrot: Use some plastic wrap like Glad Wrap or Cling Wrap. It's not only for preserving food you know, hehehe. Using a plastic wrap is very kinky. If a man is going to 'eat out', he can put some honey or jam on his side of the plastic wrap and lick away. Of course, if you're Australian you might want to put a dollop of Vegemite on your side of the plastic wrap. South Africans can sprinkle Biltong Sprinkle. This also helps to prevent you from choking to death on a pubic hair which might find its way to the back of your throat.
Madame Le Safety: Plastic wrap? Well I never! Now I've heard everything!
Dr. Knobrot: Menstrual blood can also transmit AIDS and STD's. Definitely don't want that, it's nasty. Hehehehe. If you're 'rimming', it is advisable to use plastic wrap as well. Hehehe, you don't want to catch dingleberries on your tongue!
Madame Le Safety: Rimming?
Dr. Knobrot: Licking the back entrance, Madame. Some people find it, er...erotic. It's good to keep latex gloves on hand as well. You don't want to collect any germs or bacteria if you're using a finger or a fist.
Madame Le Safety: Well, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us about SAFE SEX, Dr. Knobrot. I'm sure that the boys and girls watching the show will stock up on plastic wrap and condoms. Remember, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Dr. Knobrot: Hello boys and girls. I am so happy to be here with you today. I heard that you are busy learning all about Health and Safety. For the past 30 years, I have studied all the ins and outs of sex. I have tried to study sex in many different places and have always believed that you have to practise what you preach. As I've preached a lot, that means I've got to practise a lot as well.
Madame Le Safety: Thank you, Dr. Knobrot. Can you please tell us why it is important to practise SAFE SEX? Why do all the boys and girls out there need to be careful?
Dr. Knobrot: Well Madame, and might I just quickly say, I do like the way your skirt rides up your tightly-muscled thighs when you cross your legs. Let's be blunt here. The age of promiscuity is a thing of the past. People bonking in the bushes in public parks and dropping their drawers for total strangers happened in the seventies. We now sit with trying to cope with the afternath of all that shifty shagging. Sexually transmitted diseases are a real problem these days as is AIDS. It's not that you have to know where your sexual partner has been. You also have to know where all their sexual partners have been. I recommend that you get any person you are thinking about having sex with, to fill in the handy dandy sex survey I'll pass you now.
Madame Le Safety: Thanks so much Dr. Knobrot. Oh, I see you've filled in all your details! Three hundred and sixty-five women! Wow! You are experienced! And, oh thank God, you wore a condom every time. But, I'm a little confused, why have you given me a form with your details filled in already?
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe. You never know Madame, what might happen when there is a break in the show.
Madame Le Safety: Ooooo Doctor, you're making me blush and wriggle on my seat.
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehehe. And that's just the start of what I can do, young lady!
Madame Le Safety: Why do you put so much importance on wearing condoms? Many men think it impedes their performance and stifles their masculinity. I must say, I prefer it au naturelle.
Madame Le Safety: But Doctor...you are only of average height and slight build.
Dr. Knobrot: I have large feet and hands, my lady.
Madame Le Safety: Tee hee tee hee. Oh....you're making me very nervous.
Dr. Knobrot: Last year over 19 million people caught a sexually transmitted disease because they did not wear a condom. This of course, excludes AIDS. The most common STD's are: chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital herpes, human papillomavirus, hepatitis B, trichomoniasis and bacterial vaginosis. Syphilis is another STD that can lead to an early onset of dementia. And at the moment, they reckon over 40 million people in the world have HIV/AIDS. That's a helluva lot of people who can pass on something unpleasant during something that is supposed to be....well, pleasant. Hehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Doctor, I have heard that people can also pass on a cute little pet. Will a condom prevent that?
Dr: Knobrot: Ah, Madame, that cute little pet is a particularly nasty little critter called pubic lice or crabs. You get that and you have to duck into darkened empty rooms and corners to have a good old scratch. Very itchy business, that is. Unfortunately, a condom will not stop pubic lice from jumping from one to another.
Madame Le Safety: I have my own method of practising safe sex.
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe, I know where you are going with that, Madame. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you swallow or spit, when practising fellatio it is best to still use a condom. AIDS especially, is spread by body fluids, so if you have a small cut in your mouth or on your lip and the lucky man ejaculates, then the infected semen can still enter your body through the cut in your mouth. It's better to be safe than sorry. Sometimes, you don't know that you have a cut in your mouth, or an ulcer. When are we having a break? All this talk is making me, er...happy to see you, and I'm a hard man to please if you catch my drift, hehehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Oh, Doctor....Boys and girls, we'll be taking a short break...
Dr. Knobrot: Just 15 minutes, Madame. Would you mind showing me where the bathroom is?
Don't economize, condomize!
Madame Le Safety: Hello, sorry, I'm a little out of breath. It must have been my speed walk back from the bathroom. It helps to keep my butt and thighs firm. Speed-walking, that is.
Dr. Knobrot: And what a firm little butt you have, Madame, hehehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Back to the subject at hand, Doctor.
Dr. Knobrot: And you do have a good hand action, my dear.
Madame Le Safety: Um...er...back to condoms.
Dr. Knobrot: Don't economize, condomize is the slogan I say. If you use a little sex toy, put a condom on it. Whatever orifice is your preference, use a condom. In fact, make sure that any object inserted into the front door or back door is encased in a condom. You don't want semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk or blood to come into contact with your body. Oh, and don't try and beat the global credit crunch by washing your used condoms and re-using them. Throw used condoms away.
Madame Le Safety: But what about when it's my time, er...the women's time to be pleasured?
Dr. Knobrot: Use some plastic wrap like Glad Wrap or Cling Wrap. It's not only for preserving food you know, hehehe. Using a plastic wrap is very kinky. If a man is going to 'eat out', he can put some honey or jam on his side of the plastic wrap and lick away. Of course, if you're Australian you might want to put a dollop of Vegemite on your side of the plastic wrap. South Africans can sprinkle Biltong Sprinkle. This also helps to prevent you from choking to death on a pubic hair which might find its way to the back of your throat.
Madame Le Safety: Plastic wrap? Well I never! Now I've heard everything!
Dr. Knobrot: Menstrual blood can also transmit AIDS and STD's. Definitely don't want that, it's nasty. Hehehehe. If you're 'rimming', it is advisable to use plastic wrap as well. Hehehe, you don't want to catch dingleberries on your tongue!
Madame Le Safety: Rimming?
Dr. Knobrot: Licking the back entrance, Madame. Some people find it, er...erotic. It's good to keep latex gloves on hand as well. You don't want to collect any germs or bacteria if you're using a finger or a fist.
Madame Le Safety: Well, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us about SAFE SEX, Dr. Knobrot. I'm sure that the boys and girls watching the show will stock up on plastic wrap and condoms. Remember, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Friday, December 11, 2009
How to say NO to sex
Okay, this is a bit of a tongue in cheek post! Hey, we don't always have to be serious, do we?
Saying no when you are already in an intimate relationship
There's something about sex that makes it a very sensitive issue. Let's face it, for some reason or other, there are times, very occasional, when we are not in the mood for some death defying act of intimacy. It doesn't matter how handsome or beautiful our partner, or how turned on they might be - there are just those moments when we do not feel the same way. Albeit from a long hard day at work, or because we have other things on our mind, the fact remains, sometimes we are just not up for it. How to say no at those times is actually more difficult than it seems, because sex is just so personal and people tend to take rejection so personally. I can remember once, when my husband was very keen and saying no was probably not an option at that time, I started to sing "Not in the mood, da da da dada, not in the mood, da da da dada!" Luckily, he saw the funny side and started to laugh, his pointed keeness disappeared, and all ended well. That time.
However, it might not always end well. There's something about getting an erection that seems to get a man's testosterone pumping, and they are not always ameniable to "no" at such a time. Some get angry, some get the sulks, so most women give in and give them what they want, even if they are so not in the mood that they are drier than the Sahara Desert in the middle of a heat wave in summer down in their nether regions. The man doesn't worry, he just wants to get his rocks off. Don't let him tell you it's all about love. Because it's not. Sex is an animal thing, it's nothing to do with love. Love is bringing you breakfast in bed and supporting you when you're stressed. Sex is all about getting your end away. It's just a game of 'hide the salami' and you can say "no." But you need to try and say "no" in a way that'll make him smile. (By the way, I'm not really intending to be sexually discriminatory here. It's just that a man doesn't have to verbally say "no." All he has to do is keep his little dried floral arrangement hanging as one flaccid soft on, and the woman will soon get the message that he's not in the mood. Yeah, who said life was fair.)
So, instead of the overused, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache," try one of the following:
1.Fart loudly as they cuddle up to you.
2.Jump out of bed, race to the bathroom and pretend to get sick.
3.Start gagging when they try and kiss you.
4.Pretend to go down to give a blow job, and then start coughing and spluttering all over their privates.
5.Ask if they have some sandpaper as you have a vaginal itch that simple scratching cannot alleviate.
6.Pretend that they have such bad body odour that you're almost passing out from the smell.
7.Start snoring loudly the minute your head hits the pillow.
8.Pick up a magazine and start flipping through the pages and feign disinterest in any attempt they might try to get intimate.
9.Accidentally pour a glass of cold water on their rod of iron.
10.Pour some water on the bed and say, "Oops, I just wet the bed."
11.Fake an orgasm before they even get started.
12.Ask, "Is it in yet?"
13.Start nagging about something they haven't done that they were supposed to have done.
14.Stare up at the ceiling and whistle tunelessly.
15.If all else fails, lie back and think of England.
Saying NO when you're on a date
Of course, this all depends on whether you'd like to see the person again or not, as to how you should deter amorous advances of the intimate kind. If you really do like the person, but it's more that you're not ready for sex or want to hold out until you get married, or prefer to know the person longer than five minutes before you get down and dirty, then sometimes honesty is the best policy. Explain your reasons for not wanting to play 'hide the salami' on the first date. You usually have a 50% chance of seeing the guy again. Unfortunately, there are so many others who put out, and if all the guy is looking for is a good time, they'll keep looking until they get it. Maybe you don't want to hurt their feelings and say "no", or maybe you said "no" and they thought you were just being funny and really meant "yes." What can you do to avoid committing the dastardly deed? What can you do to avoid sex?
So instead of the overused, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me," you can try the following:
1.When they drop their boxers, point and laugh hysterically.
2.When they reveal their little member, ask, "Is that all there is?"
3.Say, "Omigod, I have throw-up in my mouth!"
4."I'm just waiting for the results of my AIDS check. Can't believe my ex just found out he has AIDS."
5."Do you also have Herpes?"
6. "I always wanted to have a baby!"
7."I'm mentally a fifteen year old so if you have sex with me it'll be a felony."
8."I'm not drunk enough to find you a turn on."
9."Sorry, not that desperate."
10."I've always preferred older experienced men, like your father."
11."Is that your cologne I'm allergic to, or is it just you that's making me sneeze?"
12."You'll never earn enough money to pay for what I've got here."
13."Is Herpes catchy?"
14."Will sex cure a chronic vaginal itch?"
15."Sorry, no time for fun tonight, I have to bleach my pubic hair."
16."Can my mother watch to see if I'm doing it right?"
17."My Dad is so protective. He smashed up my ex-boyfriend's car."
18.Give him a giant condom and laugh hysterically when it's too big for his little member.
19.And if all else fails, "I am having such a heavy period this month, sex with me will be like a bloodbath in the worst horror movie ever."
Saying no when you are already in an intimate relationship
There's something about sex that makes it a very sensitive issue. Let's face it, for some reason or other, there are times, very occasional, when we are not in the mood for some death defying act of intimacy. It doesn't matter how handsome or beautiful our partner, or how turned on they might be - there are just those moments when we do not feel the same way. Albeit from a long hard day at work, or because we have other things on our mind, the fact remains, sometimes we are just not up for it. How to say no at those times is actually more difficult than it seems, because sex is just so personal and people tend to take rejection so personally. I can remember once, when my husband was very keen and saying no was probably not an option at that time, I started to sing "Not in the mood, da da da dada, not in the mood, da da da dada!" Luckily, he saw the funny side and started to laugh, his pointed keeness disappeared, and all ended well. That time.
However, it might not always end well. There's something about getting an erection that seems to get a man's testosterone pumping, and they are not always ameniable to "no" at such a time. Some get angry, some get the sulks, so most women give in and give them what they want, even if they are so not in the mood that they are drier than the Sahara Desert in the middle of a heat wave in summer down in their nether regions. The man doesn't worry, he just wants to get his rocks off. Don't let him tell you it's all about love. Because it's not. Sex is an animal thing, it's nothing to do with love. Love is bringing you breakfast in bed and supporting you when you're stressed. Sex is all about getting your end away. It's just a game of 'hide the salami' and you can say "no." But you need to try and say "no" in a way that'll make him smile. (By the way, I'm not really intending to be sexually discriminatory here. It's just that a man doesn't have to verbally say "no." All he has to do is keep his little dried floral arrangement hanging as one flaccid soft on, and the woman will soon get the message that he's not in the mood. Yeah, who said life was fair.)
So, instead of the overused, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache," try one of the following:
1.Fart loudly as they cuddle up to you.
2.Jump out of bed, race to the bathroom and pretend to get sick.
3.Start gagging when they try and kiss you.
4.Pretend to go down to give a blow job, and then start coughing and spluttering all over their privates.
5.Ask if they have some sandpaper as you have a vaginal itch that simple scratching cannot alleviate.
6.Pretend that they have such bad body odour that you're almost passing out from the smell.
7.Start snoring loudly the minute your head hits the pillow.
8.Pick up a magazine and start flipping through the pages and feign disinterest in any attempt they might try to get intimate.
9.Accidentally pour a glass of cold water on their rod of iron.
10.Pour some water on the bed and say, "Oops, I just wet the bed."
11.Fake an orgasm before they even get started.
12.Ask, "Is it in yet?"
13.Start nagging about something they haven't done that they were supposed to have done.
14.Stare up at the ceiling and whistle tunelessly.
15.If all else fails, lie back and think of England.
Saying NO when you're on a date
Of course, this all depends on whether you'd like to see the person again or not, as to how you should deter amorous advances of the intimate kind. If you really do like the person, but it's more that you're not ready for sex or want to hold out until you get married, or prefer to know the person longer than five minutes before you get down and dirty, then sometimes honesty is the best policy. Explain your reasons for not wanting to play 'hide the salami' on the first date. You usually have a 50% chance of seeing the guy again. Unfortunately, there are so many others who put out, and if all the guy is looking for is a good time, they'll keep looking until they get it. Maybe you don't want to hurt their feelings and say "no", or maybe you said "no" and they thought you were just being funny and really meant "yes." What can you do to avoid committing the dastardly deed? What can you do to avoid sex?
So instead of the overused, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me," you can try the following:
1.When they drop their boxers, point and laugh hysterically.
2.When they reveal their little member, ask, "Is that all there is?"
3.Say, "Omigod, I have throw-up in my mouth!"
4."I'm just waiting for the results of my AIDS check. Can't believe my ex just found out he has AIDS."
5."Do you also have Herpes?"
6. "I always wanted to have a baby!"
7."I'm mentally a fifteen year old so if you have sex with me it'll be a felony."
8."I'm not drunk enough to find you a turn on."
9."Sorry, not that desperate."
10."I've always preferred older experienced men, like your father."
11."Is that your cologne I'm allergic to, or is it just you that's making me sneeze?"
12."You'll never earn enough money to pay for what I've got here."
13."Is Herpes catchy?"
14."Will sex cure a chronic vaginal itch?"
15."Sorry, no time for fun tonight, I have to bleach my pubic hair."
16."Can my mother watch to see if I'm doing it right?"
17."My Dad is so protective. He smashed up my ex-boyfriend's car."
18.Give him a giant condom and laugh hysterically when it's too big for his little member.
19.And if all else fails, "I am having such a heavy period this month, sex with me will be like a bloodbath in the worst horror movie ever."
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The Blame Game
The Blame Game
Adam must have an Eve, to blame for his own faults.
German Proverb
Blame is the lazy man’s wages.
Danish Proverb
People who blame others have perfected the art of ‘scapegoating’. Deep inside they believe that they are above reproach and they will lash out at anybody who criticises them and they’ll sacrifice whoever or whatever who tries to dent their self-image. They might tell you that they only did it for your own good, or they were trying to help or save you from yourself. The worst part, is that they get indignant when you don’t show proper thanks for what they did.
Blame is just a defense mechanism. The pain each person feels is real to them, and it’s often very painful to take responsibility for something that goes wrong or doesn’t work out. The only way out of playing the Blame Game, is to change your thinking and start taking responsibility for your actions, accept your past and learn to forgive others. It’s no good holding onto past hurts and using them as convenient excuses from time to time.
It is completely normal for someone with lots of fears, to believe that everything they feel is somebody else’s fault. We don’t want to take responsibility for our own fears. The Blame Game really gets into a higher gear, when each partner starts blaming the other for everything wrong in their lives. Their relationship becomes like a war zone, with each one sniping at the other. “I had a bad childhood, so I can’t help the way I am. If you were more understanding about that, then you wouldn’t force me to behave badly!”
That often results in the other partner sniping back, “Your bad behaviour has caused me to feel badly about myself and to think I’m worthless. Therefore, I’m too scared to think for myself and that’s your fault!” Of course in reality, the language they use might not be as savory as the language I used. Regardless of that, you cannot win in the Blame Game. Resentment, fear, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, anger – are all by-products of this game.
People who rush into rebound relationships after a break-up, are also playing the Blame Game. This isn’t really fair on the new partner who is usually an innocent Victim in the Game. Rebound relationships are just the hurt partner’s way of saying, “I wasn’t at fault for the break-up. Look, someone else wants me now. I am lovable and desirable after all, so the fact the relationship didn’t work out has got to be all your fault!”
That’s the beauty of always blaming others, we just blame everything bad that happens on someone else. That way we stay perfect because it’s never our fault. My youngest daughter is already a good player of this Game. A good example, and one that seems to happen quite often, is her bringing me a mug of coffee she made for me. My son, as usual, will be clowning around in the room. She’ll look at him and spill some coffee on the floor. Immediately, before anybody can even say anything, she’ll start shouting at him for making her spill the coffee. How did he do that? He was on the other side of the room at the time! My daughter’ll tell you, that he made her look at him, so therefore her spilling the coffee is solely his fault. She’s very clever. If she does something wrong, she’ll always react immediately with anger at all and sundry. She gets in first with the angry outburst, blaming others at the top of her voice, and that serves to take the attention away from what she did wrong. Unfortunately for her, we are all on to her, so she doesn’t get away with the Game she’s playing. Hopefully, she’ll eventually realise her strategy doesn’t work and will start accepting the responsibility for the things she does. At the moment though, her Blame Game is all about – ‘Look what you made me do!’
Other people are just as cunning, if not more. Steve used to push my friend Angela’s buttons, until she couldn’t take it anymore, so she would react emotionally, often with a huge outburst. His instigating, button-pushing and winding her up would be so subtle, that other people around her wouldn’t notice it. They would, however, notice Angela’s reaction, and they would sympathise with Steve for having such an ‘out-of-control’ wife. Steve would then have an excuse to physically ‘restrain’ Angela, as he was ‘worried’ she might harm herself. The sad thing, was that everybody agreed that the bruises Angela got every time Steve had to restrain her, was her fault. Even a therapist they saw, said that as long as Steve’s actions continued to arise out of good intentions, then it was okay! Steve managed to blame Angela for his bad behaviour, and he’s still getting away with it!
You have to remember, that people abuse or use you because there is something wrong with them. You haven’t done or said anything wrong – the problem lies with them. Basically, they have a low self-esteem. They don’t like themselves, and rather than trying to change what they don’t like, they make others take the responsibility for their behaviour when they lay the blame on them. Deep down, they know you don’t deserve it, so they hate themselves all the more for hurting you, so it’s all your fault that you make them hate themselves – it’s just a vicious cycle they can’t seem to break. Eventually over a period of time, they actually start believing it is all your fault, because that makes them feel as if they haven’t done anything wrong. You can’t try and explain things to them, or lay a guilt trip on them. In their eyes, they have done no wrong, so you are just wasting your breath.
Often, we blame others for holding us back. We might say, “If it weren’t for you …” or “If I didn’t have children, I would…” We use other people as a convenient excuse to avoid doing something. It’s easier to just give up, avoid taking that risk or making that decision, and putting the blame squarely on someone else.
A great example of this is Jason. (The poor man must surely be feeling his ears burning by now.) I can remember Jason wanting to buy a Mercedes Benz. As I was the only one bringing in an income, I told him we couldn’t afford it and had no need for it. Our Volkswagen was just fine for our family. Jason refused to accept the fact that we just could not afford a Mercedes. He tried many strategies to persuade me to let him trade in my Volkswagen for that Mercedes. First, he would introduce the fact that he just ‘happened to drive past the car yard and the Mercedes was still there – unsold, must be a sign’ into every conversation. When that didn’t pique my interest, I would have to hear how they let him take it for a test drive and it had the quietest motor ever. He went on and on about the Mercedes, and what a great deal they offered him on it. I stayed firm and held on to my “No, we can’t afford it.” When these tactics failed, the Blame Game started in all seriousness.
“You don’t want me to succeed in my life. You don’t want me to have anything better than you. You always have to be the best. You have to always be in control and the only successful member of the family. I could have been somebody if it wasn’t for you always holding me back to make you look good!” This was often accompanied by temper tantrums and things been thrown around and a helluva lot of swearing. At me naturally, because I was the bad person here. I took all of that blame and abuse, because I knew that we just could not afford that car.
His next attack, was that the reason he couldn’t sell any offshore investments and get commission so he could contribute to the family table, was because he didn’t drive a car befitting a successful businessman. His logic was, that if he drove around in a Mercedes, then people would see that he was successful, so then they would do business with him. Therefore, it was my fault that he didn’t contribute to the family income, as I wouldn’t let him drive a car befitting a successful businessman.
Then he changed tack. He told me that he hadn’t wanted to alarm me, or cause me worry, but the cylinder head in the Volkswagen had a huge crack in it, and he was expecting the engine to seize or the car to conk out and give up the ghost at any time. Not being a Petrolhead, I didn’t know what to look for in the engine to see whether or not he was telling the truth. I suspected that his story was all bullshit, but by this time I was so tired and exasperated with the whole car saga, that like a dumb mug, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and….yes. I relented.
Jason never explained the details of the great deal he had organised, to me and I stupidly assumed it was just the normal kind of Hire Purchase deal he had arranged. Well, what eventually came out, was that he used my Volkswagen as a deposit, and told them that he was a high earner and would pay 10 000 the one month and 15 000 the next. Just for the record, I was only earning 2 500 a month at the time! Needless to say, he never paid them a cent bar the initial deposit with my car as trade-in, and they repossessed the Mercedes the third month that he had it. My Volkswagen that was used as a deposit was lost in the deal that never was, and we were completely carless. The final straw, was when Jason turned to me after they took the car away, and said, “This is all your fault. If you had had the balls to stand up to me and say no, then this wouldn’t have happened!”
I have to say, that sometimes I think you can’t win. It’s like – you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. As you can well imagine, this little incident wasn’t very good for our marriage at all. Things got worse when I came home with a car I bought from a tax refund. Jason’s reaction was the classic, “Well what can I say? You are a better man than I’ll ever be!”
Serial Cheaters and Blame
Serial Cheaters thrive on playing the Blame Game. It gives them a reason to do what they’re doing, so it gets them ‘off the hook’. Because you do realise, that they’ll believe that what they’re doing is never their fault. They don’t get enough sex or attention at home, so they are ‘forced’ to go out elsewhere and find it. It’s not their fault they are forced to cheat! So the moral of the story is, don’t kill yourself trying to make someone happy who keeps finding ways to lay all the blame on you when they cheat. The same as, if you decide to stay with them and keep giving them chance after chance, then that is a choice you’ve made, and you can’t one day turn around and blame anyone for the choices you made. How often do you hear from friends, “I only stayed with him/her for the sake of the children.” What utter bullshit! How dare you blame the children, for you staying in a loveless unhappy relationship! You only stay in that relationship, because you are too scared to leave for whatever reason. The children are just an excuse, because reality shows that children adapt easily and are far happier in a loving happy home, than a home with unconcealed anger and resentment bouncing off the walls in every room. Children are not stupid just because they are young. No matter how hard their parents might try to disguise and hide their relationship problems, children always sense when things aren’t right and are very aware of what is going on.
Cheaters are quite predictable, because if they have done it more than once in the past, they’ll continue to do it in the future. Don’t ignore it and just hope that things will work out. Be honest, tell them what you don’t like and if they aren’t prepared to fix it, then you have to decide if you can live with it or not. If living with it makes you desperately unhappy, then move on. Remember, fix the problem and not the blame.
When you fall in love with an idea
Martin was devastated when he came home early one day, and found Cathy in bed with another man. He felt no less devastated, when he caught her a second time and then a third. Cathy blamed him for her infidelities. It was his fault because he was often too tired to pay her the attention she needed because he worked so hard. Martin started watching Cathy like a hawk, coming home at odd times, phoning to check she was home and alone. Cathy started accusing Martin of being a control-freak and would lose her rag and stomp out of the room when he questioned her about her activities. She told Martin he was being paranoid whenever he asked her if she still saw other men. Eventually, Cathy started getting aggressive and would pick up objects and throw them at Martin, or throw them at windows and break them. Martin started getting nervous and stopped asking Cathy questions, as he was scared of upsetting her and putting her in an aggressive mood. He started to believe that he was guilty of wrecking the relationship. Months of constantly being told his paranoia and being overly sensitive was going to push her into relationships with other men if he didn’t drop it, finally took their toll. Martin ended the relationship.
Martin realised that he fell in love with an idea – a fantasy that was backed up by things Cathy had promised initially. When Cathy’s actions contradicted his fantasy, he would start questioning her and that would lead to both parties playing the Blame Game. Paranoia and blame became the pattern of their relationship. Martin missed what he wanted to have in the relationship – the idea, his fantasy – what he kept hanging in there for and never had. Now, Martin has problems dealing with the demise of their relationship, because Cathy never took responsibility for her actions, and always put the blame for everything solely on Martin’s shoulders.
It’s amazing how constant blame can eat into our self-esteem, until we actually believe that we are responsible. Recognise blame for what it is and stop taking responsibility for others’ actions. When you stick to your guns and keep to your limits, you can be accused of being vindictive. So what? That is their problem, not yours.
Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.
Excerpt from my book, Fear, Phobias and frozen Feet.
Read my article on Common mistakes men make during sex http://hubpages.com/hub/Common-mistakes-made-by-men-during-sex
Adam must have an Eve, to blame for his own faults.
German Proverb
Blame is the lazy man’s wages.
Danish Proverb
People who blame others have perfected the art of ‘scapegoating’. Deep inside they believe that they are above reproach and they will lash out at anybody who criticises them and they’ll sacrifice whoever or whatever who tries to dent their self-image. They might tell you that they only did it for your own good, or they were trying to help or save you from yourself. The worst part, is that they get indignant when you don’t show proper thanks for what they did.
Blame is just a defense mechanism. The pain each person feels is real to them, and it’s often very painful to take responsibility for something that goes wrong or doesn’t work out. The only way out of playing the Blame Game, is to change your thinking and start taking responsibility for your actions, accept your past and learn to forgive others. It’s no good holding onto past hurts and using them as convenient excuses from time to time.
It is completely normal for someone with lots of fears, to believe that everything they feel is somebody else’s fault. We don’t want to take responsibility for our own fears. The Blame Game really gets into a higher gear, when each partner starts blaming the other for everything wrong in their lives. Their relationship becomes like a war zone, with each one sniping at the other. “I had a bad childhood, so I can’t help the way I am. If you were more understanding about that, then you wouldn’t force me to behave badly!”
That often results in the other partner sniping back, “Your bad behaviour has caused me to feel badly about myself and to think I’m worthless. Therefore, I’m too scared to think for myself and that’s your fault!” Of course in reality, the language they use might not be as savory as the language I used. Regardless of that, you cannot win in the Blame Game. Resentment, fear, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, anger – are all by-products of this game.
People who rush into rebound relationships after a break-up, are also playing the Blame Game. This isn’t really fair on the new partner who is usually an innocent Victim in the Game. Rebound relationships are just the hurt partner’s way of saying, “I wasn’t at fault for the break-up. Look, someone else wants me now. I am lovable and desirable after all, so the fact the relationship didn’t work out has got to be all your fault!”
That’s the beauty of always blaming others, we just blame everything bad that happens on someone else. That way we stay perfect because it’s never our fault. My youngest daughter is already a good player of this Game. A good example, and one that seems to happen quite often, is her bringing me a mug of coffee she made for me. My son, as usual, will be clowning around in the room. She’ll look at him and spill some coffee on the floor. Immediately, before anybody can even say anything, she’ll start shouting at him for making her spill the coffee. How did he do that? He was on the other side of the room at the time! My daughter’ll tell you, that he made her look at him, so therefore her spilling the coffee is solely his fault. She’s very clever. If she does something wrong, she’ll always react immediately with anger at all and sundry. She gets in first with the angry outburst, blaming others at the top of her voice, and that serves to take the attention away from what she did wrong. Unfortunately for her, we are all on to her, so she doesn’t get away with the Game she’s playing. Hopefully, she’ll eventually realise her strategy doesn’t work and will start accepting the responsibility for the things she does. At the moment though, her Blame Game is all about – ‘Look what you made me do!’
Other people are just as cunning, if not more. Steve used to push my friend Angela’s buttons, until she couldn’t take it anymore, so she would react emotionally, often with a huge outburst. His instigating, button-pushing and winding her up would be so subtle, that other people around her wouldn’t notice it. They would, however, notice Angela’s reaction, and they would sympathise with Steve for having such an ‘out-of-control’ wife. Steve would then have an excuse to physically ‘restrain’ Angela, as he was ‘worried’ she might harm herself. The sad thing, was that everybody agreed that the bruises Angela got every time Steve had to restrain her, was her fault. Even a therapist they saw, said that as long as Steve’s actions continued to arise out of good intentions, then it was okay! Steve managed to blame Angela for his bad behaviour, and he’s still getting away with it!
You have to remember, that people abuse or use you because there is something wrong with them. You haven’t done or said anything wrong – the problem lies with them. Basically, they have a low self-esteem. They don’t like themselves, and rather than trying to change what they don’t like, they make others take the responsibility for their behaviour when they lay the blame on them. Deep down, they know you don’t deserve it, so they hate themselves all the more for hurting you, so it’s all your fault that you make them hate themselves – it’s just a vicious cycle they can’t seem to break. Eventually over a period of time, they actually start believing it is all your fault, because that makes them feel as if they haven’t done anything wrong. You can’t try and explain things to them, or lay a guilt trip on them. In their eyes, they have done no wrong, so you are just wasting your breath.
Often, we blame others for holding us back. We might say, “If it weren’t for you …” or “If I didn’t have children, I would…” We use other people as a convenient excuse to avoid doing something. It’s easier to just give up, avoid taking that risk or making that decision, and putting the blame squarely on someone else.
A great example of this is Jason. (The poor man must surely be feeling his ears burning by now.) I can remember Jason wanting to buy a Mercedes Benz. As I was the only one bringing in an income, I told him we couldn’t afford it and had no need for it. Our Volkswagen was just fine for our family. Jason refused to accept the fact that we just could not afford a Mercedes. He tried many strategies to persuade me to let him trade in my Volkswagen for that Mercedes. First, he would introduce the fact that he just ‘happened to drive past the car yard and the Mercedes was still there – unsold, must be a sign’ into every conversation. When that didn’t pique my interest, I would have to hear how they let him take it for a test drive and it had the quietest motor ever. He went on and on about the Mercedes, and what a great deal they offered him on it. I stayed firm and held on to my “No, we can’t afford it.” When these tactics failed, the Blame Game started in all seriousness.
“You don’t want me to succeed in my life. You don’t want me to have anything better than you. You always have to be the best. You have to always be in control and the only successful member of the family. I could have been somebody if it wasn’t for you always holding me back to make you look good!” This was often accompanied by temper tantrums and things been thrown around and a helluva lot of swearing. At me naturally, because I was the bad person here. I took all of that blame and abuse, because I knew that we just could not afford that car.
His next attack, was that the reason he couldn’t sell any offshore investments and get commission so he could contribute to the family table, was because he didn’t drive a car befitting a successful businessman. His logic was, that if he drove around in a Mercedes, then people would see that he was successful, so then they would do business with him. Therefore, it was my fault that he didn’t contribute to the family income, as I wouldn’t let him drive a car befitting a successful businessman.
Then he changed tack. He told me that he hadn’t wanted to alarm me, or cause me worry, but the cylinder head in the Volkswagen had a huge crack in it, and he was expecting the engine to seize or the car to conk out and give up the ghost at any time. Not being a Petrolhead, I didn’t know what to look for in the engine to see whether or not he was telling the truth. I suspected that his story was all bullshit, but by this time I was so tired and exasperated with the whole car saga, that like a dumb mug, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and….yes. I relented.
Jason never explained the details of the great deal he had organised, to me and I stupidly assumed it was just the normal kind of Hire Purchase deal he had arranged. Well, what eventually came out, was that he used my Volkswagen as a deposit, and told them that he was a high earner and would pay 10 000 the one month and 15 000 the next. Just for the record, I was only earning 2 500 a month at the time! Needless to say, he never paid them a cent bar the initial deposit with my car as trade-in, and they repossessed the Mercedes the third month that he had it. My Volkswagen that was used as a deposit was lost in the deal that never was, and we were completely carless. The final straw, was when Jason turned to me after they took the car away, and said, “This is all your fault. If you had had the balls to stand up to me and say no, then this wouldn’t have happened!”
I have to say, that sometimes I think you can’t win. It’s like – you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. As you can well imagine, this little incident wasn’t very good for our marriage at all. Things got worse when I came home with a car I bought from a tax refund. Jason’s reaction was the classic, “Well what can I say? You are a better man than I’ll ever be!”
Serial Cheaters and Blame
Serial Cheaters thrive on playing the Blame Game. It gives them a reason to do what they’re doing, so it gets them ‘off the hook’. Because you do realise, that they’ll believe that what they’re doing is never their fault. They don’t get enough sex or attention at home, so they are ‘forced’ to go out elsewhere and find it. It’s not their fault they are forced to cheat! So the moral of the story is, don’t kill yourself trying to make someone happy who keeps finding ways to lay all the blame on you when they cheat. The same as, if you decide to stay with them and keep giving them chance after chance, then that is a choice you’ve made, and you can’t one day turn around and blame anyone for the choices you made. How often do you hear from friends, “I only stayed with him/her for the sake of the children.” What utter bullshit! How dare you blame the children, for you staying in a loveless unhappy relationship! You only stay in that relationship, because you are too scared to leave for whatever reason. The children are just an excuse, because reality shows that children adapt easily and are far happier in a loving happy home, than a home with unconcealed anger and resentment bouncing off the walls in every room. Children are not stupid just because they are young. No matter how hard their parents might try to disguise and hide their relationship problems, children always sense when things aren’t right and are very aware of what is going on.
Cheaters are quite predictable, because if they have done it more than once in the past, they’ll continue to do it in the future. Don’t ignore it and just hope that things will work out. Be honest, tell them what you don’t like and if they aren’t prepared to fix it, then you have to decide if you can live with it or not. If living with it makes you desperately unhappy, then move on. Remember, fix the problem and not the blame.
When you fall in love with an idea
Martin was devastated when he came home early one day, and found Cathy in bed with another man. He felt no less devastated, when he caught her a second time and then a third. Cathy blamed him for her infidelities. It was his fault because he was often too tired to pay her the attention she needed because he worked so hard. Martin started watching Cathy like a hawk, coming home at odd times, phoning to check she was home and alone. Cathy started accusing Martin of being a control-freak and would lose her rag and stomp out of the room when he questioned her about her activities. She told Martin he was being paranoid whenever he asked her if she still saw other men. Eventually, Cathy started getting aggressive and would pick up objects and throw them at Martin, or throw them at windows and break them. Martin started getting nervous and stopped asking Cathy questions, as he was scared of upsetting her and putting her in an aggressive mood. He started to believe that he was guilty of wrecking the relationship. Months of constantly being told his paranoia and being overly sensitive was going to push her into relationships with other men if he didn’t drop it, finally took their toll. Martin ended the relationship.
Martin realised that he fell in love with an idea – a fantasy that was backed up by things Cathy had promised initially. When Cathy’s actions contradicted his fantasy, he would start questioning her and that would lead to both parties playing the Blame Game. Paranoia and blame became the pattern of their relationship. Martin missed what he wanted to have in the relationship – the idea, his fantasy – what he kept hanging in there for and never had. Now, Martin has problems dealing with the demise of their relationship, because Cathy never took responsibility for her actions, and always put the blame for everything solely on Martin’s shoulders.
It’s amazing how constant blame can eat into our self-esteem, until we actually believe that we are responsible. Recognise blame for what it is and stop taking responsibility for others’ actions. When you stick to your guns and keep to your limits, you can be accused of being vindictive. So what? That is their problem, not yours.
Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.
Excerpt from my book, Fear, Phobias and frozen Feet.
Read my article on Common mistakes men make during sex http://hubpages.com/hub/Common-mistakes-made-by-men-during-sex
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