Well the book is written and been published and is now available as a paperback and kindle book on Amazon.com. How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single might be a title that is confusing to some. I chose this title after one of the chapters in my book, thinking it had quite a catchy ring to it. What I never realised, was that many people would think that this book is about abstinence and promotes abstaining from sex. Of course, the majority of people do not want to abstain from sex! I am with them on that.
However, the chapter dealing with How to Say No to Sex is talking about the pitfalls of jumping straight into one-night stands and rebound relationships to try and restore your self-esteem after your relationship ends. Sex, frequent sex with a variety of partners, does not restore your self-esteem after a break-up. Believe me I know because I have been there and tried it. You just feel worse.
So I have included here a list of all the chapters in the book. The book is divided into four sections. Suddenly Single, Cleaning out the Closet, Picking up the pieces, and Facing the Future. If your relationship is in trouble or you have a friends who’s relationship has ended, you might want to think about recommending this book!
CONTENTS
SUDDENLY SINGLE
Expectations equal disappointment
Bad relationships
Cheating lying partners
Signs of depression
Binge/comfort eating
Hangover cures
End of a relationship
Addiction
Fear
Panic
Coping with criticism
Controlling Men
Low self-esteem
Dumping a guy
CLEANING OUT THE CLOSET
Cheating women friends
Sibling rivalry
Swinging
Procrastination
De-cluttering
Routine versus ritual
Conflict
Negativity versus being positive
Friends with benefits
Energy vampires
Potty mouth syndrome
Change life
Forgiveness
Rebound relationships
Killing gossip
PICKING UP THE PIECES
Integrating life and work
Working to a budget
Getting ready to date again
Getting in shape for sex
Sex styles
Survival tips
Surviving an affair
Accepting flaws
How to catch a man
Getting ex back
FACING THE FUTURE
Technology rules
How to say no to sex
Common mistakes made during sex
Practising safe sex
Dating
Communication
How to enjoy sex
Masturbation
Remain friends with ex
Lessons in love
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Book Giveaway
Enter to win!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single
Great news! I finally finished editing and doing the re-writes of How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single, and it's available on Amazon Kindle. It should be on the Sony e-reader, Nook and iPad in a couple of weeks. Paperback is still a month or two away.
If you've just broken up, been ditched or got divorced, then this book will be the one for you.
It's written in a light and easy-to-read style. There's a lot of practical advice and even some stuff to make you smile. If you have a friend who's just ended a relationship, then this would be good for you to recommend to her.
Love and Light,
Cindy
If you've just broken up, been ditched or got divorced, then this book will be the one for you.
It's written in a light and easy-to-read style. There's a lot of practical advice and even some stuff to make you smile. If you have a friend who's just ended a relationship, then this would be good for you to recommend to her.
Love and Light,
Cindy
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
How to get your man talking
Turning off the ignore button
I’ve never figured out yet why people refer to silence as being golden. When someone switches on that ignore button and tunes you out; it has to be one of life’s greatest frustrations. In the old days they referred to it as sending you to Coventry; a form of punishment when you’d done something wrong. Shutting a person out in a relationship is hurtful to that person. Especially when they ask what’s wrong and get the reply, “Nothing.” It’s obvious to all and sundry that something is wrong. Nobody shuts out another for no reason and refusing to discuss it or communicate about it puts strain on the relationship.
While a woman might give the silent treatment for a while, it’s not as often as a man. When a man decides he’s no longer communicating, he does his impersonation of a brick wall. One you can’t go over, under, around or through. He gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘silent partner.’ For a woman this is scream-material, when whatever you do you get nothing back.
In my experience, men go into silent mode and put you on ignore for a reason. It could be that he’s genuinely not interested in what you have to say. He’s honest enough not to feign an interest in the particular shade of pink bow your friend bought for her pet poodle’s collar. You have to learn to distinguish between what he’s interested in and what he’s not. You might be regaling him with a long tale about what transpired at your lunch meeting with friends and he’ll interrupt you by saying, “Get to the point.” If what you’re telling him has nothing to do with him or your relationship, there’s a good chance you won’t care to know all the intimate details. Learn to read his body language. If he is starting to tune out then change the subject to something that he’d be interested in.
Men generally like to avoid conflict. They will often tell you what they think you want to hear to keep the peace. If they have to turn on the ignore button and go into silent mode, they’ll do it if it avoids an argument or a fight. If this is the case, then you need to examine how you react when he doesn’t agree with you, and if you actually listen to what he has to say and his point of view. You might need to curb your tongue in disagreements and work on developing the skills needed to become a good listener. A good way to work through a disagreement is to sit opposite each other with your kneecaps touching. Each person has a chance to speak and the other is not allowed to interrupt and may only speak when the partner has finished. You are not allowed to make accusatory remarks. Begin your sentences with ‘I statements.’ “I feel angry when…”
If you constantly interrupt him when he speaks, nag continuously, complain about everything or go off on some tangent that he forgets what it was you were actually talking about; then that will also be enough reason for him to zip his lips and focus on the show he is watching on television. When you see him starting to zone out then you need to change tack. Good communication is a two-way street. Reading body language should tell you why he is reaching for that ignore button, and to get him talking again you might need to adjust your own behaviour.
Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single
I’ve never figured out yet why people refer to silence as being golden. When someone switches on that ignore button and tunes you out; it has to be one of life’s greatest frustrations. In the old days they referred to it as sending you to Coventry; a form of punishment when you’d done something wrong. Shutting a person out in a relationship is hurtful to that person. Especially when they ask what’s wrong and get the reply, “Nothing.” It’s obvious to all and sundry that something is wrong. Nobody shuts out another for no reason and refusing to discuss it or communicate about it puts strain on the relationship.
While a woman might give the silent treatment for a while, it’s not as often as a man. When a man decides he’s no longer communicating, he does his impersonation of a brick wall. One you can’t go over, under, around or through. He gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘silent partner.’ For a woman this is scream-material, when whatever you do you get nothing back.
In my experience, men go into silent mode and put you on ignore for a reason. It could be that he’s genuinely not interested in what you have to say. He’s honest enough not to feign an interest in the particular shade of pink bow your friend bought for her pet poodle’s collar. You have to learn to distinguish between what he’s interested in and what he’s not. You might be regaling him with a long tale about what transpired at your lunch meeting with friends and he’ll interrupt you by saying, “Get to the point.” If what you’re telling him has nothing to do with him or your relationship, there’s a good chance you won’t care to know all the intimate details. Learn to read his body language. If he is starting to tune out then change the subject to something that he’d be interested in.
Men generally like to avoid conflict. They will often tell you what they think you want to hear to keep the peace. If they have to turn on the ignore button and go into silent mode, they’ll do it if it avoids an argument or a fight. If this is the case, then you need to examine how you react when he doesn’t agree with you, and if you actually listen to what he has to say and his point of view. You might need to curb your tongue in disagreements and work on developing the skills needed to become a good listener. A good way to work through a disagreement is to sit opposite each other with your kneecaps touching. Each person has a chance to speak and the other is not allowed to interrupt and may only speak when the partner has finished. You are not allowed to make accusatory remarks. Begin your sentences with ‘I statements.’ “I feel angry when…”
If you constantly interrupt him when he speaks, nag continuously, complain about everything or go off on some tangent that he forgets what it was you were actually talking about; then that will also be enough reason for him to zip his lips and focus on the show he is watching on television. When you see him starting to zone out then you need to change tack. Good communication is a two-way street. Reading body language should tell you why he is reaching for that ignore button, and to get him talking again you might need to adjust your own behaviour.
Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Coping with criticism
Critical Friends
Wherever in the world you live, there will always be someone around who feels it their duty to point out exactly what it is you did wrong. Some people are just hyper-critical, criticising everything from the way you do your job to the shoes you wear. They see themselves as being ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest.’ The truth is that they have a low self-esteem and only make themselves feel better when they put someone else down. When your relationship ends, all your critical friends will crawl out of the woodwork and be there to support you with their well-meaning comments and honesty. Don’t let what they say get you down. Use their criticism as a tool to develop yourself.
· Reflect on what they said but don’t brood on the negative parts. Be honest with yourself and look for the grains of truth and open your mind to them. What can you change or do better next time?
· Forget about your ego and be grateful enough that your friend cared enough about you to say what they said. Don’t attack the messenger. Hear them out and address any issues that might be raised.
· Ask questions and ask for examples. Don’t storm off and lick your wounds in private and build up resentment, rather initiate a discussion so you can clarify what they are saying in your mind.
· Walk away if you are angry and have a tendency to over-react. You don’t have to initiate the discussion immediately. Thank them for their comments, and when you feel calmer think about what they said and then initiate a discussion.
· Avoid turning yourself into a victim and taking everything to heart. While there will probably be some truth in what they say, it might be couched in assumptions, speculations and exaggerations and their perspective of things. Use your common sense to differentiate between what is constructive criticism and what isn’t and don’t lose your perspective.
Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single by Cindy Vine.
Wherever in the world you live, there will always be someone around who feels it their duty to point out exactly what it is you did wrong. Some people are just hyper-critical, criticising everything from the way you do your job to the shoes you wear. They see themselves as being ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest.’ The truth is that they have a low self-esteem and only make themselves feel better when they put someone else down. When your relationship ends, all your critical friends will crawl out of the woodwork and be there to support you with their well-meaning comments and honesty. Don’t let what they say get you down. Use their criticism as a tool to develop yourself.
· Reflect on what they said but don’t brood on the negative parts. Be honest with yourself and look for the grains of truth and open your mind to them. What can you change or do better next time?
· Forget about your ego and be grateful enough that your friend cared enough about you to say what they said. Don’t attack the messenger. Hear them out and address any issues that might be raised.
· Ask questions and ask for examples. Don’t storm off and lick your wounds in private and build up resentment, rather initiate a discussion so you can clarify what they are saying in your mind.
· Walk away if you are angry and have a tendency to over-react. You don’t have to initiate the discussion immediately. Thank them for their comments, and when you feel calmer think about what they said and then initiate a discussion.
· Avoid turning yourself into a victim and taking everything to heart. While there will probably be some truth in what they say, it might be couched in assumptions, speculations and exaggerations and their perspective of things. Use your common sense to differentiate between what is constructive criticism and what isn’t and don’t lose your perspective.
Excerpt from How to Say No to Sex and other Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single by Cindy Vine.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Managing Conflict
Rules of Engagement
· You need two people to have an argument.
· Keep your pride in your pocket.
· Cancel out your need to control the other person.
· Minimalise the manipulation.
· Keep the past in the old kitbag, don’t unpack it and bring up what happened before.
· Focus only on the current issue.
· Take time out if you need it.
· Don’t start arguing after you’ve consumed alcohol.
· Avoid raising your voice and shouting.
· If you’re so angry you’re seeing red, leave the discussion for another day.
Winning isn’t everything
People express their anger in different ways and it’s good to let it out rather than smoulder silently and build up resentment. Some couples thrive on violent arguments and the passionate making up afterwards. However, there is a time to speak out and a time to shut up. You have to learn how to pick your battles. Sometimes it’s best to zip those lips and keep quiet and let the other person throw their wobbly and let off steam without you saying a word. You don’t want to enter their angry place if getting involved will turn you into a) a scapegoat; b) a punching bag; c) the enemy; or worse still d) an accomplice.
When someone loses their temper they stop thinking rationally and there is no point trying to reason with them as at that moment they are probably not capable of a coherent thought. If you try and get involved in the dialogue at this time, then you will get pulled into their drama. Seriously, you have enough drama in your life already so why do you want to be a part of someone else’s drama? That is just asking for trouble. There is absolutely nothing to gain from engaging with them.
Dialogue and communication are good, but only when all the parties concerned have calmed down and had a chance to reflect on what got them so fired up in the first place. If you didn’t like the other party’s behaviour, when they have calmed down use ‘I statements.’ Example,” I feel scared when you shout at me and throw things around the house. I would prefer it if you would lock yourself in your study until you have calmed down.” ‘I statements’ highlight the behaviour and stops it from being a personal attack, thus avoiding instigating the flare-up of the conflict all over again.
If the cause of the conflict is just not that important to you then let it go. Don’t fight for the sake of fighting it just causes unpleasantness. Examine your motives. If you are wanting to speak out and join the fray out of spite and revenge, or intentionally want to cause the other hurt, then keep your mouth shut and bite your tongue. However, if speaking up will ease a harmful situation or be good for the other person in the long run then engaging might be for the best.
Conflict shouldn’t be about being a winner or a loser. You don’t have to agree with everybody all the time, but engaging in a conflict situation just sets both sides up for being losers. There is a time to voice your opinion and have your say. Just make sure that you pick the right time to have it.
· You need two people to have an argument.
· Keep your pride in your pocket.
· Cancel out your need to control the other person.
· Minimalise the manipulation.
· Keep the past in the old kitbag, don’t unpack it and bring up what happened before.
· Focus only on the current issue.
· Take time out if you need it.
· Don’t start arguing after you’ve consumed alcohol.
· Avoid raising your voice and shouting.
· If you’re so angry you’re seeing red, leave the discussion for another day.
Winning isn’t everything
People express their anger in different ways and it’s good to let it out rather than smoulder silently and build up resentment. Some couples thrive on violent arguments and the passionate making up afterwards. However, there is a time to speak out and a time to shut up. You have to learn how to pick your battles. Sometimes it’s best to zip those lips and keep quiet and let the other person throw their wobbly and let off steam without you saying a word. You don’t want to enter their angry place if getting involved will turn you into a) a scapegoat; b) a punching bag; c) the enemy; or worse still d) an accomplice.
When someone loses their temper they stop thinking rationally and there is no point trying to reason with them as at that moment they are probably not capable of a coherent thought. If you try and get involved in the dialogue at this time, then you will get pulled into their drama. Seriously, you have enough drama in your life already so why do you want to be a part of someone else’s drama? That is just asking for trouble. There is absolutely nothing to gain from engaging with them.
Dialogue and communication are good, but only when all the parties concerned have calmed down and had a chance to reflect on what got them so fired up in the first place. If you didn’t like the other party’s behaviour, when they have calmed down use ‘I statements.’ Example,” I feel scared when you shout at me and throw things around the house. I would prefer it if you would lock yourself in your study until you have calmed down.” ‘I statements’ highlight the behaviour and stops it from being a personal attack, thus avoiding instigating the flare-up of the conflict all over again.
If the cause of the conflict is just not that important to you then let it go. Don’t fight for the sake of fighting it just causes unpleasantness. Examine your motives. If you are wanting to speak out and join the fray out of spite and revenge, or intentionally want to cause the other hurt, then keep your mouth shut and bite your tongue. However, if speaking up will ease a harmful situation or be good for the other person in the long run then engaging might be for the best.
Conflict shouldn’t be about being a winner or a loser. You don’t have to agree with everybody all the time, but engaging in a conflict situation just sets both sides up for being losers. There is a time to voice your opinion and have your say. Just make sure that you pick the right time to have it.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Energy Vampires
Leave the suckers for Twilight
We’ve all experienced it at one time or other, a friend who is distraught after a break-up and bends your ear every time they see you with stories of their ex and their biased analysis of why their relationship didn’t work. Nothing much logical or rational passes through their lips. At first you were supportive and understanding, but let’s face it, there’s a limit you can take and after a while it just becomes wearisome and draining. You feel too guilty to say no to them when they turn up dejected on your doorstep. The result is that you start making excuses not to spend time with them and eventually your friendship will start to suffer. These people are energy vampires, feeding off your energy and draining you until you yourself become depressed.
When you go through a break-up you need to make sure that you do not become an energy vampire. Initially there will be a temporary over-charged emotional phase, make sure you pick a friend with vast emotional reserves to suck energy from. But then you need to be kind to yourself and stop it. Admit where you’ve become like a stuck record and amend your behaviour. A good thing for friends to do is to make a pact. You’ll feed off each other up until a certain predetermined point, and then your friend will gently tell you when it’s enough. This requires trust and honesty in your relationship, and you have to listen when your friend says enough is enough. It’s important that these boundaries be backed up with definite consequences, otherwise the energy-feeding will continue.
If you’re going through a break-up yourself you need to sweep your house clean of any and all energy vampires. When you’re a wreck is not the time to be a rescuer and be there for someone else to let prey on you. Physically remove yourself from that person and distance yourself emotionally. If you are already in a weakened state, letting an emotional vampire feed off you will just make your situation worse and cause you to crash.
Not all energy vampires are created equal, and not all of them are in that space because they are depressed after a break-up. Some of them drain your energy for other reasons, but they are just as draining. Unempathetic, narcisstic people who always put themselves first and aren’t really interested in your life can be draining. So can drama queens who thrive on negative energy. Friends who never have a good word to say about anything and constantly criticise every little thing are energy vampires. As are friends who are moody and constantly re-arranging the status order of their ‘best friends’; these are skilled at pitting people against each other and love causing ructions in your social circle. Stay clear of friends who don’t value your opinion as they are also draining your energy.
You need to be surrounded by people who build you up, not drain you. And you need to make sure that you don’t become an energy vampire yourself. You need all your energy to pick up the pieces and get your life back on track.
Excerpt from How to say no to sex and other survival tips for the suddenly single.
We’ve all experienced it at one time or other, a friend who is distraught after a break-up and bends your ear every time they see you with stories of their ex and their biased analysis of why their relationship didn’t work. Nothing much logical or rational passes through their lips. At first you were supportive and understanding, but let’s face it, there’s a limit you can take and after a while it just becomes wearisome and draining. You feel too guilty to say no to them when they turn up dejected on your doorstep. The result is that you start making excuses not to spend time with them and eventually your friendship will start to suffer. These people are energy vampires, feeding off your energy and draining you until you yourself become depressed.
When you go through a break-up you need to make sure that you do not become an energy vampire. Initially there will be a temporary over-charged emotional phase, make sure you pick a friend with vast emotional reserves to suck energy from. But then you need to be kind to yourself and stop it. Admit where you’ve become like a stuck record and amend your behaviour. A good thing for friends to do is to make a pact. You’ll feed off each other up until a certain predetermined point, and then your friend will gently tell you when it’s enough. This requires trust and honesty in your relationship, and you have to listen when your friend says enough is enough. It’s important that these boundaries be backed up with definite consequences, otherwise the energy-feeding will continue.
If you’re going through a break-up yourself you need to sweep your house clean of any and all energy vampires. When you’re a wreck is not the time to be a rescuer and be there for someone else to let prey on you. Physically remove yourself from that person and distance yourself emotionally. If you are already in a weakened state, letting an emotional vampire feed off you will just make your situation worse and cause you to crash.
Not all energy vampires are created equal, and not all of them are in that space because they are depressed after a break-up. Some of them drain your energy for other reasons, but they are just as draining. Unempathetic, narcisstic people who always put themselves first and aren’t really interested in your life can be draining. So can drama queens who thrive on negative energy. Friends who never have a good word to say about anything and constantly criticise every little thing are energy vampires. As are friends who are moody and constantly re-arranging the status order of their ‘best friends’; these are skilled at pitting people against each other and love causing ructions in your social circle. Stay clear of friends who don’t value your opinion as they are also draining your energy.
You need to be surrounded by people who build you up, not drain you. And you need to make sure that you don’t become an energy vampire yourself. You need all your energy to pick up the pieces and get your life back on track.
Excerpt from How to say no to sex and other survival tips for the suddenly single.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
How to know if your man is cheating
Cheating men always leave signs. You just have to know where to look for them and if you have a gut-feeling he’s cheating, you’re probably right. Unfortunately while there’s many good things about technology, one of the negatives is that there are many websites popping up promoting discrete affairs between married and committed people. Finding someone to cheat with has never been easier! All he needs is an anonymous username and a profile and he’ll be inundated with ladies looking for adventure.
To catch a cheater, you need to set a trap. If you find he’s on a website advertising his abilities, you need to find out the name of the website and set up your own profile. When he contacts you for a date, you’ve caught him! Most men wait for you to leave town before they invite their date to your house. If you think this is happening, all you need to do is pretend to be leaving town on business and then sit across the road and watch your house. Make sure you have plenty of magazines to read and snacks to eat. Other men have ‘business lunches’ or have to ‘work late.’ If you suspect this is happening, then you might need to get out your stalker outfit and start following him. There is no need to be overly dramatic and hire a detective. For a start, they are pretty pricey and you’ll be paying for it, not your cheating man. Instead, you might want to do some online shopping. If you are computer-savvy, you can get key logger software to see exactly what he is typing and which websites he visits. A voice-activated digital tape recorder cunningly placed under his car seat will record all in-car conversations. Although a little on the pricey side, a GPS tracking device will help you know where his car is parked every minute of the day.
Another way to catch him, is to pretend you know more than you do. Make as if you have hard concrete evidence of his infidelity. Give him a chance to ‘come clean.’ Tell him that if he continues to lie to you, it’ll make the whole unpleasant situation a lot worse. Tell him he’s got overnight to sleep on it and think about it. Although most men will continue to lie, if you are a good enough actress and can carry off the ruse there is a good chance he’ll confess and give you the information you are looking for. Of course, it can backfire and make him cover his tracks even better.
So, what signs can show that your man is cheating? You find bills sent to a post office box you knew nothing about; the passenger seat in his car has been moved; long blonde hairs on his clothes when both of you are short brunettes; cigarette smoke smell when neither of you smoke; lipstick on his shirt collar; your dog starts to shag his leg; a smell of perfume that’s not yours; turns his phone off when he’s with you; leaves the room and closes the door behind him when he gets a call; cellphone bills that show calls of a long duration; internet browse history shows dating sites or porn sites; credit card bills contain unknown charges; his car is suddenly chomping its way through fuel and becoming a gas guzzler; he suddenly becomes obsessed with his body and his looks and joins a gym or applies a fake tan; his secretary appears to be screening his calls at work; he starts working later; you catch his friends out lying as they cover for him; unexplained receipts in his wallet; out-of-the-norm ATM withdrawals. All of these indicate a change in his behaviour, and that is probably what fired up your gut feeling to start with.
It’s hard to describe the shitty feeling you get when you discover you’ve been cheated on. Chances are, you’ll experience the whole range of emotions from grief to revenge. Your self-esteem will take a serious knock, but think of it this way – you are better off without him, because once a cheater always a cheater. If he cheated on a previous girlfriend or wife with you, there’s a good chance he’ll do it again. A leopard can only change its spots of it wants to, and many cheaters so enjoy the thrill of the chase, the danger of getting caught, that they have no inclination to change their cheating ways. You deserve much better than a lying cheating man.
To catch a cheater, you need to set a trap. If you find he’s on a website advertising his abilities, you need to find out the name of the website and set up your own profile. When he contacts you for a date, you’ve caught him! Most men wait for you to leave town before they invite their date to your house. If you think this is happening, all you need to do is pretend to be leaving town on business and then sit across the road and watch your house. Make sure you have plenty of magazines to read and snacks to eat. Other men have ‘business lunches’ or have to ‘work late.’ If you suspect this is happening, then you might need to get out your stalker outfit and start following him. There is no need to be overly dramatic and hire a detective. For a start, they are pretty pricey and you’ll be paying for it, not your cheating man. Instead, you might want to do some online shopping. If you are computer-savvy, you can get key logger software to see exactly what he is typing and which websites he visits. A voice-activated digital tape recorder cunningly placed under his car seat will record all in-car conversations. Although a little on the pricey side, a GPS tracking device will help you know where his car is parked every minute of the day.
Another way to catch him, is to pretend you know more than you do. Make as if you have hard concrete evidence of his infidelity. Give him a chance to ‘come clean.’ Tell him that if he continues to lie to you, it’ll make the whole unpleasant situation a lot worse. Tell him he’s got overnight to sleep on it and think about it. Although most men will continue to lie, if you are a good enough actress and can carry off the ruse there is a good chance he’ll confess and give you the information you are looking for. Of course, it can backfire and make him cover his tracks even better.
So, what signs can show that your man is cheating? You find bills sent to a post office box you knew nothing about; the passenger seat in his car has been moved; long blonde hairs on his clothes when both of you are short brunettes; cigarette smoke smell when neither of you smoke; lipstick on his shirt collar; your dog starts to shag his leg; a smell of perfume that’s not yours; turns his phone off when he’s with you; leaves the room and closes the door behind him when he gets a call; cellphone bills that show calls of a long duration; internet browse history shows dating sites or porn sites; credit card bills contain unknown charges; his car is suddenly chomping its way through fuel and becoming a gas guzzler; he suddenly becomes obsessed with his body and his looks and joins a gym or applies a fake tan; his secretary appears to be screening his calls at work; he starts working later; you catch his friends out lying as they cover for him; unexplained receipts in his wallet; out-of-the-norm ATM withdrawals. All of these indicate a change in his behaviour, and that is probably what fired up your gut feeling to start with.
It’s hard to describe the shitty feeling you get when you discover you’ve been cheated on. Chances are, you’ll experience the whole range of emotions from grief to revenge. Your self-esteem will take a serious knock, but think of it this way – you are better off without him, because once a cheater always a cheater. If he cheated on a previous girlfriend or wife with you, there’s a good chance he’ll do it again. A leopard can only change its spots of it wants to, and many cheaters so enjoy the thrill of the chase, the danger of getting caught, that they have no inclination to change their cheating ways. You deserve much better than a lying cheating man.
Friday, December 17, 2010
How to know if you're in an abusive relationship?
I wrote a hub about this question some time ago, and still get lots of people commenting and asking my advice as to whether or not they are in an abusive relationship. Here are two queries from that hub. My book on breaking the cycle of bad relationships in your life - Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet, is available on Amazon.com as a paperback or as a kindle.
frozensuitcase 8 days ago
My boyfriend and I were in the kitchen the other night and I was making us a pizza..and he kept eating the ingredients and hovering over me and it was bothering me and he wouldn't listen and leave me alone so I yelled at him to get out. Well he did..but not without a problem. He continued to make snide comments and continually pick at me for what felt like forever. Anyways..he wore me down so much and I was so angry that I made a comment about his ex girlfriend I said "No wonder your ex didn't want to be with you". He got PISSED and punched the plate that was in front of me it shattered and pizza and glass went everywhere. I freaked out and got up and got my suitcase and started packing my clothes and he grabbed me by my arms and threw me down and continued to push me to try to get me to get out of the apartment without my things. And then I retalliated and hit back and he grabbed my throat. He stopped and I was so angry..All I wanted to do was go but he wouldn't let me. He apologized over and over and he did feel awful. I pretended like things were fine and then he went into the field (he's military) the next day I was making plans to leave him. By the following day I had changed my mind because I know I'm at fault also so my reasons no longer feel valid. One time he was ignoring me after a fight and started playing xbox so I unplugged the internet cord and he grabbed me and pushed me down...He's also punched a hole in the wall when angry. I know I can be a bitch and I can provoke him..but is he in the right for what he did or am I being ignorant and trying to excuse him?
ReplyFrozensuitcase, your situation worries me. I worry because both of you seem to have a short fuse. When things get you down you say things you probably shouldn't and you regret later. Unfortunately, your boyfriend reacts to these with violence. Pushing you down, breaking plates, punching holes in things is violent behaviour. If the violence escalates you are going to end up getting very badly hurt. You need to think seriously about what you say that might trigger off his violent outbursts and maybe curb your tongue quite a bit. But more than that, you need to evaluate your relationship, is this what you want for yourself? Do you want to live your life in fear that you might say the wrong thing which will trigger an outburst? Chances are, this is not what you want for yourself. And remember, the only person you can change is yourself. You can't change him, only he can change himself, and he has to desperately want to. To me it sounds like the two of you should think seriously about whether or not you should have a future together. You are a provoker and he is a violent retaliator. That's a recipe for disaster in my book.
Angie 14 hours ago
Wow this has been some what helpful I still don't see my situtation exactly but that really doesn't matter. I feel the need to find someone who is going through exactly what I'm going through because I just can't do it! I've been with my husband for 6.5 years and we've been married for 3 years. He's been the same since the begining but it is only now that I'm having a hard time and that is because we have a 17 month old baby boy who is such a good, easy going kind, a lover! However my husband will call me names like bitch and cunt in front of our son, he has punched the TV, wall, kicked the christmas tree, etc. He's grabbed my by my arms and shock me, pushed me hard into the couch, tells me I'm worthless, I'm lazy..... I only work part time. I'm not allowed or I should say he gives me a really hard time about reading books, running, spend any time with anyone. Don't get me wrong I can do these things but then I would have to listen to him bitch and complain. He is a construction worker so he doesn't have an easy job but he bitchs and bitchs about work. Oh and I forgot to mention he is an acoholic. He's never punched me or the baby. BUt I've gone to my docs to up my anitdepressants and to give me something for my anxiety.
I'm going to ask the most stupidest question ever (I guess I know the answer but don't feel like it is real) am I in an abusive relationship and what should I do?
HELP!
Reply
Angie, it is totally unacceptable for someone to swear at another like that and call them names. Punching the TV, hitting walls and kicking objects are also unacceptable. Grabbing you so that you feel pain and pushing you hard is not on either. You are most definitely in a very abusive relationship. The damage done to your psyche when someone keeps telling you you're lazy and worthless is huge. If he hates his job he shouldn't take it out on you. That's his problem. And his job being hard is not an excuse to abuse you that way. My advice is to get out before he punches you like he punches the wall!
frozensuitcase 8 days ago
My boyfriend and I were in the kitchen the other night and I was making us a pizza..and he kept eating the ingredients and hovering over me and it was bothering me and he wouldn't listen and leave me alone so I yelled at him to get out. Well he did..but not without a problem. He continued to make snide comments and continually pick at me for what felt like forever. Anyways..he wore me down so much and I was so angry that I made a comment about his ex girlfriend I said "No wonder your ex didn't want to be with you". He got PISSED and punched the plate that was in front of me it shattered and pizza and glass went everywhere. I freaked out and got up and got my suitcase and started packing my clothes and he grabbed me by my arms and threw me down and continued to push me to try to get me to get out of the apartment without my things. And then I retalliated and hit back and he grabbed my throat. He stopped and I was so angry..All I wanted to do was go but he wouldn't let me. He apologized over and over and he did feel awful. I pretended like things were fine and then he went into the field (he's military) the next day I was making plans to leave him. By the following day I had changed my mind because I know I'm at fault also so my reasons no longer feel valid. One time he was ignoring me after a fight and started playing xbox so I unplugged the internet cord and he grabbed me and pushed me down...He's also punched a hole in the wall when angry. I know I can be a bitch and I can provoke him..but is he in the right for what he did or am I being ignorant and trying to excuse him?
ReplyFrozensuitcase, your situation worries me. I worry because both of you seem to have a short fuse. When things get you down you say things you probably shouldn't and you regret later. Unfortunately, your boyfriend reacts to these with violence. Pushing you down, breaking plates, punching holes in things is violent behaviour. If the violence escalates you are going to end up getting very badly hurt. You need to think seriously about what you say that might trigger off his violent outbursts and maybe curb your tongue quite a bit. But more than that, you need to evaluate your relationship, is this what you want for yourself? Do you want to live your life in fear that you might say the wrong thing which will trigger an outburst? Chances are, this is not what you want for yourself. And remember, the only person you can change is yourself. You can't change him, only he can change himself, and he has to desperately want to. To me it sounds like the two of you should think seriously about whether or not you should have a future together. You are a provoker and he is a violent retaliator. That's a recipe for disaster in my book.
Angie 14 hours ago
Wow this has been some what helpful I still don't see my situtation exactly but that really doesn't matter. I feel the need to find someone who is going through exactly what I'm going through because I just can't do it! I've been with my husband for 6.5 years and we've been married for 3 years. He's been the same since the begining but it is only now that I'm having a hard time and that is because we have a 17 month old baby boy who is such a good, easy going kind, a lover! However my husband will call me names like bitch and cunt in front of our son, he has punched the TV, wall, kicked the christmas tree, etc. He's grabbed my by my arms and shock me, pushed me hard into the couch, tells me I'm worthless, I'm lazy..... I only work part time. I'm not allowed or I should say he gives me a really hard time about reading books, running, spend any time with anyone. Don't get me wrong I can do these things but then I would have to listen to him bitch and complain. He is a construction worker so he doesn't have an easy job but he bitchs and bitchs about work. Oh and I forgot to mention he is an acoholic. He's never punched me or the baby. BUt I've gone to my docs to up my anitdepressants and to give me something for my anxiety.
I'm going to ask the most stupidest question ever (I guess I know the answer but don't feel like it is real) am I in an abusive relationship and what should I do?
HELP!
Reply
Angie, it is totally unacceptable for someone to swear at another like that and call them names. Punching the TV, hitting walls and kicking objects are also unacceptable. Grabbing you so that you feel pain and pushing you hard is not on either. You are most definitely in a very abusive relationship. The damage done to your psyche when someone keeps telling you you're lazy and worthless is huge. If he hates his job he shouldn't take it out on you. That's his problem. And his job being hard is not an excuse to abuse you that way. My advice is to get out before he punches you like he punches the wall!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Why remain a caterpillar?
.jpg)
Why Remain A Caterpillar When You Could Be A Butterfly?
“How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” Trina Paulus
How often do we look up and see a beautiful butterfly soaring in the sky, notice their gorgeous colors reflected in the sunlight with the backdrop of the blue sky above them and envy their freedom. What a view of the world they must see. They seem to glide so naturally and effortlessly on the most gentle of breezes. Do you wish you could be a butterfly? No worries, no cares, what freedom they must feel. It must be wonderful being a butterfly.
We may forget that they were once a mere caterpillar. Grounded, with a limited view of the world, unable to see all the beauty that was available to them, opportunities that only the view from the vast sky can provide. It took great courage to climb alone to the top of the tree, leaving behind all their caterpillar friends. Everyone begging them not to take the risk. Stay on the ground, remain in the safety of the low branches.
Of course the butterfly is an analogy for us. How often do we remain grounded when we really want to fly? We can come up with so many reasons to remain grounded and not risk flying. We have every excuse; I don’t have the time or the energy, I work too many hours, I have children, family, friends that need me, on and on it goes. You think it would be nice to fly, you may even dream of flying, but then the negative thoughts bring you back to earth. You are not all that fond of heights, all your caterpillar friends aren’t flying and you would be up there all alone. Why take the risk?
Each of the reasons that you shouldn’t try to fly will be eclipsed by one compelling reason you should. All it takes is one reason. That one compelling reason combined with a change in your thinking can motivate you to climb higher and higher in the tree. The higher you push yourself the easier it is to see the vast horizon and the opportunities not available to all the caterpillars remaining safely on the ground. You must trust that the wings you have been working hard to strengthen will serve you when you need them most. Allowing you to leap confidently from the top of the tree and soar in the wind.
Don’t worry about all the caterpillars that are still grounded. Once you have taken the leap yourself and are strong you may choose to return to help motivate them. You can show them that they have nothing to fear by climbing higher and taking the risk. You are now an example of what you can do if you decide to keep trying, showing that there is no limit to what you can accomplish with a compelling goal. Telling them that it does takes hard work but the benefit of the unlimited opportunities and the freedom of flying is well worth the risk.
You can share with them that you have met other butterflies that have ventured where you haven’t, tried things you have yet to try and taken even bigger risks than you could have ever imagined. Now that you can see the view of unlimited opportunities, you are going to go even higher. You now know that your wings are strong enough to take you anywhere you decide to go. You are no longer limited to the ground or even the top of the tree, you can now see an endless horizon and are eager to begin new adventures.
Be careful not become so preoccupied yourself with flying higher and higher that you forget to enjoy the beautiful view from where you are at each moment! Remind yourself often how wonderful the wind feels and how lucky you are to have been born a caterpillar who was given the opportunity to become a butterfly.
Decide today! Create a compelling reason you should become a butterfly!There is no reason to remain grounded when you were born to fly. Show off your colors, trust yourself, leap from the branch, soar with the wind!Kim Upstone
All I Want is Everything
Genre: Self-Help/Women’s Issues
Publisher: Infinity Publishing
ISBN:0741458195
Monday, August 23, 2010
Common mistakes men make during sex
Coitus Unpleasurablis
Many men think that sex is instinctive and is something that just happens naturally. But, leaving your woman fully satisfied takes hard work and practise. You have to know what you are doing, or where you are going, for it to be an enjoyable experience for your lucky lady. There are common mistakes made by the most practised and experienced of men, that they have gotten away with for many years, because women just lay back and pretend to enjoy it. The odd moan here and there while you are thinking of how you want to redo your lounge curtains is enough to keep a man pumping away. Well, the time has come for some honesty here. Men need to know that certain things they do that cause us to moan in frustration, or cry out in pain, are not signs that we are voicing our pleasure. If we don't tell them, they'll never know. Who cares about their fragile little egos, and that the truth might cause instant hydraulic failure. They need to know the truth, and I have volunteered to be the one to tell them. So, here it is.
Mistake numero uno - Going straight for the naughty bits
You give a little kiss, for you that might be the only foreplay, get them threads off and voila! Dive straight in. Guys, a kiss is not foreplay. We want more than that. Kiss + clothing removal DOES NOT = lubrication. Goodness, what are you men thinking? Just think of us as ice maidens that need to be warmed up first. And I mean, seriously warmed up. Some of you men think you are open cast mining and go straight for the hole. Others, have this fixation with the nipples. Licking and sucking is pleasurable, but sucking on them like a 3 month old baby who slept through the night for the first time and wakes up starving? That's not on. Nipples are sensitive, and if you give them callouses they'll stop working.
Mistake Number Two - Tonsil Hockey
For some men kissing is like playing a game of tonsil hockey. They think the deeper they stick in their tongue, the more sexy it is. Some of us do have the gag reflex, you know! Passionate kissing is an art form and something that you have to practise. A lot. Sticking a tongue in a mouth and using to try and floss the other person's teeth is not kissing.
Mistake Number Three - Uncalled for workmanlike behaviour
You might like women to use a bit of force when grabbing your golden banana, but when you use force on us it is extremely unpleasurable. In fact, it is quite painful. The clitoris has twice as many nerves as the penis, and they are all centred in a very small area. In fact, so small, it might be very hard to find. But finding it is not an expedition where you have to wear your wellington boots. Finding the clitoris is another art form. Most women know where theirs is, so just ask them to guide you. And when you do find it, don't treat it like Shakespeare with his, "Out damn spot." It's also not like shoes that you have to polish hard to make them shine. No matter how hard you polish the clitoris, it will never shine. Ever. What you will do with your rough workmanlike polishing or rubbing technique, will be to make it so painful and sensitive, that it will momentarily lose its ability to create pleasant sensations. And when that happens, the surrounding area becomes dessicated like coconut.
Mistake Number Four - Doing an Interview with a Vampire personation
Giving someone a hickey is not putting a mark on them. It's what teenagers do because they don't know better. It is not sexy, it is not erotic, and if someone tries to do that to me, I might accidentally knee them in the crotch. The same with nibbling on ears. Frankly, if someone touches me behind my neck or touches my ears I get cold shivers. So if you bite my ear, I'm afraid it's the death penalty, mister. You are not a vampire. Being eaten by another human being is what cannibals do. We have evolved from that. I remember when I worked on a racehorse stud farm, the over-excited stallion bit the mare on the neck, and she lashed out and kicked him in the gonads. And they were animals and it wasn't acceptable.
Mistake Number Five - Dirty Dan
Okay, so men have dangly bits. Rather like a dried floral arrangement. Don't go near a woman if you have not carefully cleaned your little appendage and the little ball bag. Make sure you lift up the scrotum and wash all those little gross creepy thingies that collect there. Like, some of your dingleberries that traveled and hid in what they hoped was a moist area. Never attempt sex unclean. Yugh! I need a drink just thinking about it. Women have a far more sensitive nose and we smell stuff you might not.
Mistake Number Six - Stopping before you really get started
How many times do women get to the point of orgasm, and then the man stops, and hops on for the ride? Just because she is lying there enjoying what you are doing, doesn't mean that you should stop! Only when she pushes you away do you know that she has achieved orgasm and her clitoris is far too sensitive for extra touching. Do we have to spell it all out for you? Not all women do a Meg Ryan and makes a racket so that even the windows vibrate. If you are not sure, ask. Don't just stop mid-stroke and leave her unfulfilled while you get your rocks off.
Mistake Number Seven - The socks
Don't ever ever ever ever remove your underwear before you remove your socks. There is nothing more pathetic, than a man standing wearing nothing but socks. It's a bit of a passion killer. And don't dare jump into bed wearing nothing but socks! I don't care how cold your feet are!
Mistake Number Eight - Meaningless Conversation
There is nothing worse than a man who after a good session of sex asks, "And how was it for you dear?" God, if you don't know, pretend you know. Because, by asking you are basically admitting that you don't have a clue what you are doing. Rather ask something like, "Did you prefer the front door to the back door?" Or something equally romantic. Asking how it was kills all the afterglow and desire for seconds.
Mistake Number Nine - Forceful Fellatio
As mentioned earlier, some women have a well-developed gag reflex. Licking the appendage as one licks an icecream is okay and acceptable for most women. Deep Throat was a movie and not necessary real life. Some women can't breathe through their nose when they have an erect member blocking their breathing passage. And if you get excited, going in deeper will literally tickle their tummies. Don't get upset if you end up with their dinner over your pride and joy. Pubic hairs stuck in teeth are not a substitute for floss. Remember, not all women like the taste of your manufactured product, so ask before you offload your wares.
Mistake Number Ten - Sweet Dreams
When all's done, and you've ejaculated at the right time, and in the right place, remember to cuddle and maybe chat a little. Rolling off sated, and lying on your back going straight to sleep, and snoring loudly, is not on at all. It's actually rather selfish. Women have needs after the deed is done as well.
Many men think that sex is instinctive and is something that just happens naturally. But, leaving your woman fully satisfied takes hard work and practise. You have to know what you are doing, or where you are going, for it to be an enjoyable experience for your lucky lady. There are common mistakes made by the most practised and experienced of men, that they have gotten away with for many years, because women just lay back and pretend to enjoy it. The odd moan here and there while you are thinking of how you want to redo your lounge curtains is enough to keep a man pumping away. Well, the time has come for some honesty here. Men need to know that certain things they do that cause us to moan in frustration, or cry out in pain, are not signs that we are voicing our pleasure. If we don't tell them, they'll never know. Who cares about their fragile little egos, and that the truth might cause instant hydraulic failure. They need to know the truth, and I have volunteered to be the one to tell them. So, here it is.
Mistake numero uno - Going straight for the naughty bits
You give a little kiss, for you that might be the only foreplay, get them threads off and voila! Dive straight in. Guys, a kiss is not foreplay. We want more than that. Kiss + clothing removal DOES NOT = lubrication. Goodness, what are you men thinking? Just think of us as ice maidens that need to be warmed up first. And I mean, seriously warmed up. Some of you men think you are open cast mining and go straight for the hole. Others, have this fixation with the nipples. Licking and sucking is pleasurable, but sucking on them like a 3 month old baby who slept through the night for the first time and wakes up starving? That's not on. Nipples are sensitive, and if you give them callouses they'll stop working.
Mistake Number Two - Tonsil Hockey
For some men kissing is like playing a game of tonsil hockey. They think the deeper they stick in their tongue, the more sexy it is. Some of us do have the gag reflex, you know! Passionate kissing is an art form and something that you have to practise. A lot. Sticking a tongue in a mouth and using to try and floss the other person's teeth is not kissing.
Mistake Number Three - Uncalled for workmanlike behaviour
You might like women to use a bit of force when grabbing your golden banana, but when you use force on us it is extremely unpleasurable. In fact, it is quite painful. The clitoris has twice as many nerves as the penis, and they are all centred in a very small area. In fact, so small, it might be very hard to find. But finding it is not an expedition where you have to wear your wellington boots. Finding the clitoris is another art form. Most women know where theirs is, so just ask them to guide you. And when you do find it, don't treat it like Shakespeare with his, "Out damn spot." It's also not like shoes that you have to polish hard to make them shine. No matter how hard you polish the clitoris, it will never shine. Ever. What you will do with your rough workmanlike polishing or rubbing technique, will be to make it so painful and sensitive, that it will momentarily lose its ability to create pleasant sensations. And when that happens, the surrounding area becomes dessicated like coconut.
Mistake Number Four - Doing an Interview with a Vampire personation
Giving someone a hickey is not putting a mark on them. It's what teenagers do because they don't know better. It is not sexy, it is not erotic, and if someone tries to do that to me, I might accidentally knee them in the crotch. The same with nibbling on ears. Frankly, if someone touches me behind my neck or touches my ears I get cold shivers. So if you bite my ear, I'm afraid it's the death penalty, mister. You are not a vampire. Being eaten by another human being is what cannibals do. We have evolved from that. I remember when I worked on a racehorse stud farm, the over-excited stallion bit the mare on the neck, and she lashed out and kicked him in the gonads. And they were animals and it wasn't acceptable.
Mistake Number Five - Dirty Dan
Okay, so men have dangly bits. Rather like a dried floral arrangement. Don't go near a woman if you have not carefully cleaned your little appendage and the little ball bag. Make sure you lift up the scrotum and wash all those little gross creepy thingies that collect there. Like, some of your dingleberries that traveled and hid in what they hoped was a moist area. Never attempt sex unclean. Yugh! I need a drink just thinking about it. Women have a far more sensitive nose and we smell stuff you might not.
Mistake Number Six - Stopping before you really get started
How many times do women get to the point of orgasm, and then the man stops, and hops on for the ride? Just because she is lying there enjoying what you are doing, doesn't mean that you should stop! Only when she pushes you away do you know that she has achieved orgasm and her clitoris is far too sensitive for extra touching. Do we have to spell it all out for you? Not all women do a Meg Ryan and makes a racket so that even the windows vibrate. If you are not sure, ask. Don't just stop mid-stroke and leave her unfulfilled while you get your rocks off.
Mistake Number Seven - The socks
Don't ever ever ever ever remove your underwear before you remove your socks. There is nothing more pathetic, than a man standing wearing nothing but socks. It's a bit of a passion killer. And don't dare jump into bed wearing nothing but socks! I don't care how cold your feet are!
Mistake Number Eight - Meaningless Conversation
There is nothing worse than a man who after a good session of sex asks, "And how was it for you dear?" God, if you don't know, pretend you know. Because, by asking you are basically admitting that you don't have a clue what you are doing. Rather ask something like, "Did you prefer the front door to the back door?" Or something equally romantic. Asking how it was kills all the afterglow and desire for seconds.
Mistake Number Nine - Forceful Fellatio
As mentioned earlier, some women have a well-developed gag reflex. Licking the appendage as one licks an icecream is okay and acceptable for most women. Deep Throat was a movie and not necessary real life. Some women can't breathe through their nose when they have an erect member blocking their breathing passage. And if you get excited, going in deeper will literally tickle their tummies. Don't get upset if you end up with their dinner over your pride and joy. Pubic hairs stuck in teeth are not a substitute for floss. Remember, not all women like the taste of your manufactured product, so ask before you offload your wares.
Mistake Number Ten - Sweet Dreams
When all's done, and you've ejaculated at the right time, and in the right place, remember to cuddle and maybe chat a little. Rolling off sated, and lying on your back going straight to sleep, and snoring loudly, is not on at all. It's actually rather selfish. Women have needs after the deed is done as well.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Madame Le Safety on Safe Sex
G'day boys and girls
Madame Le Safety: My name is Madame Le Safety and I'm here today to talk to you about SAFE SEX. I'd like to welcome Dr. Knobrot from the Safe Sex Institute as our expert on the show today. Dr Knobrot has spent years studying and practising all aspects of SAFE SEX.
Dr. Knobrot: Hello boys and girls. I am so happy to be here with you today. I heard that you are busy learning all about Health and Safety. For the past 30 years, I have studied all the ins and outs of sex. I have tried to study sex in many different places and have always believed that you have to practise what you preach. As I've preached a lot, that means I've got to practise a lot as well.
Madame Le Safety: Thank you, Dr. Knobrot. Can you please tell us why it is important to practise SAFE SEX? Why do all the boys and girls out there need to be careful?
Dr. Knobrot: Well Madame, and might I just quickly say, I do like the way your skirt rides up your tightly-muscled thighs when you cross your legs. Let's be blunt here. The age of promiscuity is a thing of the past. People bonking in the bushes in public parks and dropping their drawers for total strangers happened in the seventies. We now sit with trying to cope with the afternath of all that shifty shagging. Sexually transmitted diseases are a real problem these days as is AIDS. It's not that you have to know where your sexual partner has been. You also have to know where all their sexual partners have been. I recommend that you get any person you are thinking about having sex with, to fill in the handy dandy sex survey I'll pass you now.
Madame Le Safety: Thanks so much Dr. Knobrot. Oh, I see you've filled in all your details! Three hundred and sixty-five women! Wow! You are experienced! And, oh thank God, you wore a condom every time. But, I'm a little confused, why have you given me a form with your details filled in already?
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe. You never know Madame, what might happen when there is a break in the show.
Madame Le Safety: Ooooo Doctor, you're making me blush and wriggle on my seat.
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehehe. And that's just the start of what I can do, young lady!
Madame Le Safety: Why do you put so much importance on wearing condoms? Many men think it impedes their performance and stifles their masculinity. I must say, I prefer it au naturelle.
Dr. Knobrot: Kind lady, forgoing the condom is a huge mistake. Most people think that a condom is only for preventing an unwanted pregnancy. That's a minor advantage of wearing a condom. A condom helps to prevent you getting a sexually transmitted disease that your sexual partner might have unknowingly picked up on a previous indiscretion. By the way, you can call me Ready Freddy as I always carry a large supply of condoms around with me. I use the extra-large size for extra-large men.
Madame Le Safety: But Doctor...you are only of average height and slight build.
Dr. Knobrot: I have large feet and hands, my lady.
Madame Le Safety: Tee hee tee hee. Oh....you're making me very nervous.
Dr. Knobrot: Last year over 19 million people caught a sexually transmitted disease because they did not wear a condom. This of course, excludes AIDS. The most common STD's are: chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital herpes, human papillomavirus, hepatitis B, trichomoniasis and bacterial vaginosis. Syphilis is another STD that can lead to an early onset of dementia. And at the moment, they reckon over 40 million people in the world have HIV/AIDS. That's a helluva lot of people who can pass on something unpleasant during something that is supposed to be....well, pleasant. Hehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Doctor, I have heard that people can also pass on a cute little pet. Will a condom prevent that?
Dr: Knobrot: Ah, Madame, that cute little pet is a particularly nasty little critter called pubic lice or crabs. You get that and you have to duck into darkened empty rooms and corners to have a good old scratch. Very itchy business, that is. Unfortunately, a condom will not stop pubic lice from jumping from one to another.
Madame Le Safety: I have my own method of practising safe sex.
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe, I know where you are going with that, Madame. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you swallow or spit, when practising fellatio it is best to still use a condom. AIDS especially, is spread by body fluids, so if you have a small cut in your mouth or on your lip and the lucky man ejaculates, then the infected semen can still enter your body through the cut in your mouth. It's better to be safe than sorry. Sometimes, you don't know that you have a cut in your mouth, or an ulcer. When are we having a break? All this talk is making me, er...happy to see you, and I'm a hard man to please if you catch my drift, hehehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Oh, Doctor....Boys and girls, we'll be taking a short break...
Dr. Knobrot: Just 15 minutes, Madame. Would you mind showing me where the bathroom is?
Don't economize, condomize!
Madame Le Safety: Hello, sorry, I'm a little out of breath. It must have been my speed walk back from the bathroom. It helps to keep my butt and thighs firm. Speed-walking, that is.
Dr. Knobrot: And what a firm little butt you have, Madame, hehehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Back to the subject at hand, Doctor.
Dr. Knobrot: And you do have a good hand action, my dear.
Madame Le Safety: Um...er...back to condoms.
Dr. Knobrot: Don't economize, condomize is the slogan I say. If you use a little sex toy, put a condom on it. Whatever orifice is your preference, use a condom. In fact, make sure that any object inserted into the front door or back door is encased in a condom. You don't want semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk or blood to come into contact with your body. Oh, and don't try and beat the global credit crunch by washing your used condoms and re-using them. Throw used condoms away.
Madame Le Safety: But what about when it's my time, er...the women's time to be pleasured?
Dr. Knobrot: Use some plastic wrap like Glad Wrap or Cling Wrap. It's not only for preserving food you know, hehehe. Using a plastic wrap is very kinky. If a man is going to 'eat out', he can put some honey or jam on his side of the plastic wrap and lick away. Of course, if you're Australian you might want to put a dollop of Vegemite on your side of the plastic wrap. South Africans can sprinkle Biltong Sprinkle. This also helps to prevent you from choking to death on a pubic hair which might find its way to the back of your throat.
Madame Le Safety: Plastic wrap? Well I never! Now I've heard everything!
Dr. Knobrot: Menstrual blood can also transmit AIDS and STD's. Definitely don't want that, it's nasty. Hehehehe. If you're 'rimming', it is advisable to use plastic wrap as well. Hehehe, you don't want to catch dingleberries on your tongue!
Madame Le Safety: Rimming?
Dr. Knobrot: Licking the back entrance, Madame. Some people find it, er...erotic. It's good to keep latex gloves on hand as well. You don't want to collect any germs or bacteria if you're using a finger or a fist.
Madame Le Safety: Well, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us about SAFE SEX, Dr. Knobrot. I'm sure that the boys and girls watching the show will stock up on plastic wrap and condoms. Remember, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Dr. Knobrot: Hello boys and girls. I am so happy to be here with you today. I heard that you are busy learning all about Health and Safety. For the past 30 years, I have studied all the ins and outs of sex. I have tried to study sex in many different places and have always believed that you have to practise what you preach. As I've preached a lot, that means I've got to practise a lot as well.
Madame Le Safety: Thank you, Dr. Knobrot. Can you please tell us why it is important to practise SAFE SEX? Why do all the boys and girls out there need to be careful?
Dr. Knobrot: Well Madame, and might I just quickly say, I do like the way your skirt rides up your tightly-muscled thighs when you cross your legs. Let's be blunt here. The age of promiscuity is a thing of the past. People bonking in the bushes in public parks and dropping their drawers for total strangers happened in the seventies. We now sit with trying to cope with the afternath of all that shifty shagging. Sexually transmitted diseases are a real problem these days as is AIDS. It's not that you have to know where your sexual partner has been. You also have to know where all their sexual partners have been. I recommend that you get any person you are thinking about having sex with, to fill in the handy dandy sex survey I'll pass you now.
Madame Le Safety: Thanks so much Dr. Knobrot. Oh, I see you've filled in all your details! Three hundred and sixty-five women! Wow! You are experienced! And, oh thank God, you wore a condom every time. But, I'm a little confused, why have you given me a form with your details filled in already?
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe. You never know Madame, what might happen when there is a break in the show.
Madame Le Safety: Ooooo Doctor, you're making me blush and wriggle on my seat.
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehehe. And that's just the start of what I can do, young lady!
Madame Le Safety: Why do you put so much importance on wearing condoms? Many men think it impedes their performance and stifles their masculinity. I must say, I prefer it au naturelle.
Madame Le Safety: But Doctor...you are only of average height and slight build.
Dr. Knobrot: I have large feet and hands, my lady.
Madame Le Safety: Tee hee tee hee. Oh....you're making me very nervous.
Dr. Knobrot: Last year over 19 million people caught a sexually transmitted disease because they did not wear a condom. This of course, excludes AIDS. The most common STD's are: chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital herpes, human papillomavirus, hepatitis B, trichomoniasis and bacterial vaginosis. Syphilis is another STD that can lead to an early onset of dementia. And at the moment, they reckon over 40 million people in the world have HIV/AIDS. That's a helluva lot of people who can pass on something unpleasant during something that is supposed to be....well, pleasant. Hehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Doctor, I have heard that people can also pass on a cute little pet. Will a condom prevent that?
Dr: Knobrot: Ah, Madame, that cute little pet is a particularly nasty little critter called pubic lice or crabs. You get that and you have to duck into darkened empty rooms and corners to have a good old scratch. Very itchy business, that is. Unfortunately, a condom will not stop pubic lice from jumping from one to another.
Madame Le Safety: I have my own method of practising safe sex.
Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe, I know where you are going with that, Madame. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you swallow or spit, when practising fellatio it is best to still use a condom. AIDS especially, is spread by body fluids, so if you have a small cut in your mouth or on your lip and the lucky man ejaculates, then the infected semen can still enter your body through the cut in your mouth. It's better to be safe than sorry. Sometimes, you don't know that you have a cut in your mouth, or an ulcer. When are we having a break? All this talk is making me, er...happy to see you, and I'm a hard man to please if you catch my drift, hehehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Oh, Doctor....Boys and girls, we'll be taking a short break...
Dr. Knobrot: Just 15 minutes, Madame. Would you mind showing me where the bathroom is?
Don't economize, condomize!
Madame Le Safety: Hello, sorry, I'm a little out of breath. It must have been my speed walk back from the bathroom. It helps to keep my butt and thighs firm. Speed-walking, that is.
Dr. Knobrot: And what a firm little butt you have, Madame, hehehehehe.
Madame Le Safety: Back to the subject at hand, Doctor.
Dr. Knobrot: And you do have a good hand action, my dear.
Madame Le Safety: Um...er...back to condoms.
Dr. Knobrot: Don't economize, condomize is the slogan I say. If you use a little sex toy, put a condom on it. Whatever orifice is your preference, use a condom. In fact, make sure that any object inserted into the front door or back door is encased in a condom. You don't want semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk or blood to come into contact with your body. Oh, and don't try and beat the global credit crunch by washing your used condoms and re-using them. Throw used condoms away.
Madame Le Safety: But what about when it's my time, er...the women's time to be pleasured?
Dr. Knobrot: Use some plastic wrap like Glad Wrap or Cling Wrap. It's not only for preserving food you know, hehehe. Using a plastic wrap is very kinky. If a man is going to 'eat out', he can put some honey or jam on his side of the plastic wrap and lick away. Of course, if you're Australian you might want to put a dollop of Vegemite on your side of the plastic wrap. South Africans can sprinkle Biltong Sprinkle. This also helps to prevent you from choking to death on a pubic hair which might find its way to the back of your throat.
Madame Le Safety: Plastic wrap? Well I never! Now I've heard everything!
Dr. Knobrot: Menstrual blood can also transmit AIDS and STD's. Definitely don't want that, it's nasty. Hehehehe. If you're 'rimming', it is advisable to use plastic wrap as well. Hehehe, you don't want to catch dingleberries on your tongue!
Madame Le Safety: Rimming?
Dr. Knobrot: Licking the back entrance, Madame. Some people find it, er...erotic. It's good to keep latex gloves on hand as well. You don't want to collect any germs or bacteria if you're using a finger or a fist.
Madame Le Safety: Well, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us about SAFE SEX, Dr. Knobrot. I'm sure that the boys and girls watching the show will stock up on plastic wrap and condoms. Remember, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Cissy Hunt, author, speaks about Domestic Violence
Please welcome Cissy Hunt, author of A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns to my blog on relationships. She's an expert on Domestic Abuse.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (A blog post by Cissy Hunt)
My book, A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns, is a fictional story about a woman’s journey from domestic abuse through healing to forgiveness. This book covers a subject matter that is very close to my heart. the subject matter it covers is domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused--especially verbally and emotionally. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.
Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain--and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner--constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up--chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked--even by the person being abused.
Understanding emotional abuse
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse--sometimes even more so.
Even though A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns is a fictional book it is taken from my own life experiences. I chose to make it fiction rather than non-fiction because I want every woman that has gone through domestic violence to be able to relate to it. I don’t want them to just read about another woman who experience domestic violence. I wanted them to read the story and relate to it to be able to make it their own. I also want them to know that another man is not the answer to getting free of their situation that healing is their answer. They need to be free to seek healing and find their self. To find who they really are. Jumping into another relationship after domestic violence without healing 90% of the time leads to another abusive relationship. Yet, if they take the time to heal then they can find a new life that does not include domestic violence.
I would like to leave you with this exerpt from my book.
'After stepping to the podium, LaRae looked down at the urn
holding Terri’s ashes then to the picture displayed on the easel before
looking back up and beginning to speak.
“Terri never made it to true womanhood for she was only nineteen
years old when she died. She will never know what it means to be a
mother or a grandmother because her life was devalued so greatly by
her abuser that it meant nothing to him to take it. Her life was snuffed
out instantly with no thought of remorse because her life wasn’t her
own; it had been taken from her. She had become property not a human being.'
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control another. Do you know that every nine seconds a woman is assaulted and battered in this country, and 5.3 million women are abused each year, and that Domestic Violence is the single major cause of injury to women, more than muggings and car accidents combined. Fifty percent of all women murdered in the
United States are killed by a spouse or an intimate partner.
Also, over 500,000 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year. An average of about four women per day dies because of domestic violence. So you see on the day Terri died at the hands of her abuser so did three other women. Three other families in this country lost a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, or a niece.
Terri Carter is not the first nor will she be the last this town will gather together in mourning over. I wish she would be the last, I pray she would be, but until this community starts changing and becoming
aware of domestic violence; there will be more victims like Terri.
Think about it! The next service could even be held for one of your family members…maybe even one of your daughters.”
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (A blog post by Cissy Hunt)
My book, A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns, is a fictional story about a woman’s journey from domestic abuse through healing to forgiveness. This book covers a subject matter that is very close to my heart. the subject matter it covers is domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused--especially verbally and emotionally. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.
Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain--and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner--constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up--chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked--even by the person being abused.
Understanding emotional abuse
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse--sometimes even more so.
Even though A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns is a fictional book it is taken from my own life experiences. I chose to make it fiction rather than non-fiction because I want every woman that has gone through domestic violence to be able to relate to it. I don’t want them to just read about another woman who experience domestic violence. I wanted them to read the story and relate to it to be able to make it their own. I also want them to know that another man is not the answer to getting free of their situation that healing is their answer. They need to be free to seek healing and find their self. To find who they really are. Jumping into another relationship after domestic violence without healing 90% of the time leads to another abusive relationship. Yet, if they take the time to heal then they can find a new life that does not include domestic violence.
'After stepping to the podium, LaRae looked down at the urn
holding Terri’s ashes then to the picture displayed on the easel before
looking back up and beginning to speak.
“Terri never made it to true womanhood for she was only nineteen
years old when she died. She will never know what it means to be a
mother or a grandmother because her life was devalued so greatly by
her abuser that it meant nothing to him to take it. Her life was snuffed
out instantly with no thought of remorse because her life wasn’t her
own; it had been taken from her. She had become property not a human being.'
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control another. Do you know that every nine seconds a woman is assaulted and battered in this country, and 5.3 million women are abused each year, and that Domestic Violence is the single major cause of injury to women, more than muggings and car accidents combined. Fifty percent of all women murdered in the
United States are killed by a spouse or an intimate partner.
Also, over 500,000 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year. An average of about four women per day dies because of domestic violence. So you see on the day Terri died at the hands of her abuser so did three other women. Three other families in this country lost a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, or a niece.
Terri Carter is not the first nor will she be the last this town will gather together in mourning over. I wish she would be the last, I pray she would be, but until this community starts changing and becoming
aware of domestic violence; there will be more victims like Terri.
Think about it! The next service could even be held for one of your family members…maybe even one of your daughters.”
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Can you love someone you dislike?
Picture this, you are walking down the street hand in hand with the person you love, birds are tweeting, puppies yapping, flowers blooming and the breeze rustling the leaves of the trees. Suddenly, your man hoiks and spits on the sidewalk. You are disgusted. At that moment, you decide that you dislike him intensely. He gives you the creeps. However, fast forward a few hours, and you are beneath your silk sheets, lying there basking in the afterglow of hot passionate steamy sex, closing your eyes and thinking of how much you love this man. This man, who earlier in the day, had disgusted and repulsed you. How could this be possible?
Dislike has nothing to do with love and hate. There is a fine line between love and hate, both being very powerful emotions, and if you love someone so much, you can easily flip to hate when you are angry, and then back to love when you've calmed down a little. Hate and love feeds off the same kind of energy, that's why they're so closely aligned. Dislike however, is not an emotion and isn't very powerful at all. Dislike is a feeling you get. If you think about it, it's not the person you dislike, but the behaviour. You dislike hoiking and spitting, picking one's nose in public, those are all behaviours. Sometimes, we might associate those behaviours with a person. But the chemistry, the caring, the deep down emotion you feel, that's love and can make you turn a blind eye to the irritating and annoying behaviours you dislike so much.
Often, the reason why you hate someone so much is because you still love them and they hurt you. The real opposite to love and hate is indifference. It's absence of emotion; you don't care either way. Many relationships move from love and hate to indifference. Without love to act as the cushion, the protective wall to hide away the behaviours you dislike so much, they become bigger, more annoying, until you can no longer stand to be in that person's company. That usually signifies the end of the relationship. Try and avoid saying, "Whatever, I don't care," because that means you are indifferent.
So, can you love someone you dislike? The answer is most definitely YES! Dislike is a feeling you have towards a behaviour or mannerism; love is a powerul emotion that people will die for, kill for, invade countries for. Only a psychopath will kill someone for picking their nose in public.
Cindy Vine has written a self-help book on breaking the cycle of bad relationships in your life, called 'Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet.' In addition, she has written three novels, all dealing with abusive relationships or family dramas of some kind. They are 'Stop the world, I need to pee!'; 'The Case of Billy B' and 'Not Telling.' All Cindy's books are available on Smashwords as ebooks, and on Amazon as paperbacks or on Kindle. You can find out more about Cindy Vine by following her blog http://cindy-vine.blogspot.com/; visiting her website http://cindyvine.com/; or following her on Twitter http://twitter.com/cindyvine or Facebook http://facebook.com/cindyvinefanpage.
Dislike has nothing to do with love and hate. There is a fine line between love and hate, both being very powerful emotions, and if you love someone so much, you can easily flip to hate when you are angry, and then back to love when you've calmed down a little. Hate and love feeds off the same kind of energy, that's why they're so closely aligned. Dislike however, is not an emotion and isn't very powerful at all. Dislike is a feeling you get. If you think about it, it's not the person you dislike, but the behaviour. You dislike hoiking and spitting, picking one's nose in public, those are all behaviours. Sometimes, we might associate those behaviours with a person. But the chemistry, the caring, the deep down emotion you feel, that's love and can make you turn a blind eye to the irritating and annoying behaviours you dislike so much.
Often, the reason why you hate someone so much is because you still love them and they hurt you. The real opposite to love and hate is indifference. It's absence of emotion; you don't care either way. Many relationships move from love and hate to indifference. Without love to act as the cushion, the protective wall to hide away the behaviours you dislike so much, they become bigger, more annoying, until you can no longer stand to be in that person's company. That usually signifies the end of the relationship. Try and avoid saying, "Whatever, I don't care," because that means you are indifferent.
So, can you love someone you dislike? The answer is most definitely YES! Dislike is a feeling you have towards a behaviour or mannerism; love is a powerul emotion that people will die for, kill for, invade countries for. Only a psychopath will kill someone for picking their nose in public.
Cindy Vine has written a self-help book on breaking the cycle of bad relationships in your life, called 'Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet.' In addition, she has written three novels, all dealing with abusive relationships or family dramas of some kind. They are 'Stop the world, I need to pee!'; 'The Case of Billy B' and 'Not Telling.' All Cindy's books are available on Smashwords as ebooks, and on Amazon as paperbacks or on Kindle. You can find out more about Cindy Vine by following her blog http://cindy-vine.blogspot.com/; visiting her website http://cindyvine.com/; or following her on Twitter http://twitter.com/cindyvine or Facebook http://facebook.com/cindyvinefanpage.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Virtual Book Tour the beginning of June
It is with great pleasure that I announce my first ever Virtual Book Tour from 1st-11th June 2010. Please follow my tour and comment on the articles I'll be writing. If there are any changes to the itinerary, I'll write them on here. Hope to see you on these blogs!
Cheers,
Cindy
Virtual Book Tour
1 June 2010 Staying with someone who doesn’t want you. http://relationships-love-marriage-articles.blogspot.com
2 June 2010 Is it possible to love and dislike someone at the same time? http://cindyvinesrelationshipadvice.blogspot.com
3 June 2010 Can you be a working mother and write a book? www.businesswomensforum.blogspot.com /
4 June 2010 Living in Tanzania http://mybignose.blogspot.com/
5 June 2010 Addicted to Africa http://bowe4.wordpress.com/
6 June 2010 How I became a writer http://aidyspoetryinpictures.com/
7 June 2010 The Expat Writer http://cindy-vine.blogspot.com
8 June 2010 The Good, the Bad and the Ugly about writing fiction. http://judithmarshall.net/blog/
9 June 2010 It all starts with a plan http://quietfurybooks.com/blog/
10 June 2010 Chimpanzee conditions in Tanzania http://notesfromthepens.blogspot.com
11 June 2010 A car, a teenager and a long bumpy road http://www.expatharem.com/expatharem-blog/
Cheers,
Cindy
Virtual Book Tour
1 June 2010 Staying with someone who doesn’t want you. http://relationships-love-marriage-articles.blogspot.com
2 June 2010 Is it possible to love and dislike someone at the same time? http://cindyvinesrelationshipadvice.blogspot.com
3 June 2010 Can you be a working mother and write a book? www.businesswomensforum.blogspot.com /
4 June 2010 Living in Tanzania http://mybignose.blogspot.com/
5 June 2010 Addicted to Africa http://bowe4.wordpress.com/
6 June 2010 How I became a writer http://aidyspoetryinpictures.com/
7 June 2010 The Expat Writer http://cindy-vine.blogspot.com
8 June 2010 The Good, the Bad and the Ugly about writing fiction. http://judithmarshall.net/blog/
9 June 2010 It all starts with a plan http://quietfurybooks.com/blog/
10 June 2010 Chimpanzee conditions in Tanzania http://notesfromthepens.blogspot.com
11 June 2010 A car, a teenager and a long bumpy road http://www.expatharem.com/expatharem-blog/
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day, Mami!
Hopefully, if you're a mother and reading this you are being spoiled rotten by your family. However, if you are like me with only one teenager left at home and all the others have flown the nest, then you'll probably be making your own morning cup of coffee and breakfast, as the teenager only surfaces closer to lunchtime.Honouring Mothers on Mother's Day is quite a long tradition. The Greeks got it right centuries ago, when they had special celebrations in spring to honour Rhea, the mother of the gods. Then the early Christians in England thought it would be good to have a special day to honour Mary the mother of Jesus, and this they did on the 4th Sunday of Lent. Being such a magnanimous people, they opened it up to all mothers and even maids working in rich houses were allowed to go home to visit their families. How kind was that? In the US, some lady who wrote the Battle Hymn of the Republic (Julia Ward Howe) got a little bit ticked off at all the killing and carnage in the wars which were popular at the time, and in the 1870's she got this bee in her bonnet about a Mother's Day for Peace. Of course, she never imagined gifts and fabulous lunches for mothers, but probably envisaged mothers marching and waving placards and throwing rotten tomatoes at the president.
Howe actually got the idea of Mother's Day for Peace from Ann Jarvis, the sister of that famous doctor James Reeves, who tried to get a Mother's Friendship Day going to improve sanitation. How a special day honouring mother's will make people wash their hands after going to the bathroom, I'm not sure. When Ann died in 1905, her daughter Anna missed her so much that she got her family and friends working on a letter writing campaign to those high up in the public sector, to have Mother's Day declared a national holiday to honour all mothers, living and dead. She was successful in her efforts and on Sunday 10th May 1908, the very first Mother's Day as we know it was celebrated. Anna Jarvis had imagined it to be a kind of a religious type of holiday, but 9 years later, it had attracted so much commercial hype with special cards and gift baskets, that poor Anna was disillusioned and became an opponent of Mother's Day, or the kind of day Mother's Day had become. Unfortunately, money talks and nobody listened to poor Anna Jarvis, and the day became even more commercial. As a mother I see nothing wrong with that. Spend my children, spend. But don't ask me to lend you money. So we have the English still sticking to their Mother's day in Lent, but the rest of the world joining the US to celebrate Mother's Day and honour and pay tribute to mothers all over the world on the 2nd Sunday in May.
Our relationship with our Mothers is a very important one. They carried us for nine months, put up with our temper tantrums and mood swings, and played a large part in shaping who we are today. There are many times when growing up, that you might have disliked your mother or even hated her. This is quite normal, we all go through that, especially when your mother is just as stubborn as you and won't give you what you think you need at the time. But when the going gets tough, Mothers will always put the past behind them and be there for their children. Are you there for your Mother?
Saturday, March 20, 2010
When your boss drives you batty
Most of us at some time or other, end up in a situation when you struggle to show respect to your supervisor or your boss. Their actions are deplaudable, they're unfair, crazy, disorganised, whatever, but something happens and you think, "What the hell are they doing in that position?" What do you do? You have to work with them, listen to them, obey them. If you don't, things might get worse for you, and even worse still, you might lose your job or not get paid.
Here are some tips to help you get through this tough time
Here are some tips to help you get through this tough time
- Imagine them naked. This always works wonders. Picturing your boss at their desk naked will always bring a smile to your face, even if it is a smile of disgust.
- Agree with everything they say, nodding your head like one of those nodding dogs people put in the back of their cars, and then do what you want anyway.
- Find a trusted friend whom you can vent to. Never vent to co-workers as that's like shitting on your own doorstep. You never know if they're having a secret liason with the boss, and don't put your vent as your status on Facebook!
- Limit your dealings with your boss. Focus on your work and try and not include your boss wherever possible.
- Don't push your boss's buttons. If you know what sets them off, don't go there. Unless you're bored and want to create some entertainment, but be prepared for the fallout!
- Find your boss's weaknesses and manipulate them to your advantage. You have to outsmart that nasty boss.
- Start to document everything that goes down. When called into a meeting with the boss, have a notepad handy and make the boss see that you are noting everything. In fact, ask the boss to repeat something they said, and make a point of making them aware that you are jotting it down.
- Don't go to human resources or someone higher up in authority to complain about your boss. It always backfires. Those in power will always stick up for each other. Rather start to collect evidence of their wrongdoings.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
A question about rape
What would you do if you knew your estranged sister who had always been mean to you, was marrying a man who had raped you 13 years previously?
I'm busy doing some research for my next book, having finally completed the final proof edit of The Case of Billy B. If you feel you can answer this question, please do so. What would you do? Would you tell her? Would you tell your family? Would you tell your friends? Your sister wants you to forgive her for all the mean things she did to you while growing up. Will you forgive her and then tell her? Would you just keep it a secret? All input much appreciated.
The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-By-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault
I'm busy doing some research for my next book, having finally completed the final proof edit of The Case of Billy B. If you feel you can answer this question, please do so. What would you do? Would you tell her? Would you tell your family? Would you tell your friends? Your sister wants you to forgive her for all the mean things she did to you while growing up. Will you forgive her and then tell her? Would you just keep it a secret? All input much appreciated.
The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-By-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I blame you
How often in life do we hear those words and accept the blame for something we never did? This morning, after taking my son to the airport, and feeling sad as I'd only see him again in 5 months' time, my 14 year old daughter turned to me and said, "I think I'm getting a cold. Do you think I should swim today during PE?"
"Yes," I replied, still thinking about my son I had just said goodbye to.
"Well," she replied in a very mean tone, "If I get very sick because I'm swimmimng today, then I blame you. If I drown because I can't breathe through my nose while swimming, then I blame you."
My first reaction was to tell her that if she drowned she wouldn't be blaming anybody. My second thought was, if you breathe through your nose while swimming, you will drown. I can't accept the blame for that. breathing through your nose while swimming would just be your own stupidity. But I refrained from giving an answer. I decided to use the 'ignore' treatment. It usually works with her. About 5 minutes later she tried to engage in conversation. I ignored her. Eventually, in a timid voice, she asked if I was mad with her.
"Yes," short weet, very abrupt.
I should have communicated more. Explained that it is not okay to blame somebody like that. But, my heart was sad after saying goodbye to my son, who never blames me for anything. I drove the rest of the way home in silence, seething with resentment. I should have spoken up. But, should of and could have mean nothing. I didn't say anything.
Tonight, my goal is to speak to my daughter and explain that it is not on to always blame others. She never accepts the blame. It is always someone else's fault. If someone is always blaming you and trying to load you with guilt. say no. Do not accept the blame for things you haven't done.
Have a great 'blame-free' weekend!
"Yes," I replied, still thinking about my son I had just said goodbye to.
"Well," she replied in a very mean tone, "If I get very sick because I'm swimmimng today, then I blame you. If I drown because I can't breathe through my nose while swimming, then I blame you."
My first reaction was to tell her that if she drowned she wouldn't be blaming anybody. My second thought was, if you breathe through your nose while swimming, you will drown. I can't accept the blame for that. breathing through your nose while swimming would just be your own stupidity. But I refrained from giving an answer. I decided to use the 'ignore' treatment. It usually works with her. About 5 minutes later she tried to engage in conversation. I ignored her. Eventually, in a timid voice, she asked if I was mad with her.
"Yes," short weet, very abrupt.
I should have communicated more. Explained that it is not okay to blame somebody like that. But, my heart was sad after saying goodbye to my son, who never blames me for anything. I drove the rest of the way home in silence, seething with resentment. I should have spoken up. But, should of and could have mean nothing. I didn't say anything.
Tonight, my goal is to speak to my daughter and explain that it is not on to always blame others. She never accepts the blame. It is always someone else's fault. If someone is always blaming you and trying to load you with guilt. say no. Do not accept the blame for things you haven't done.
Have a great 'blame-free' weekend!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Choosing the right friends is not always easy
To have a friend you must first be a friend
My mother once bought my daughter a large poster to put above her bed that said, "To have a friend, you must first be a friend." How apt is that? That little saying has stayed with me all these years. What you put out into the universe is what you get back. If you gossip about others, they'll gossip about you. Okay, they'll probably gossip about you regardless, that might not have been a good example. But if you show all the qualities of being a good friend, then people will show the same back to you. Seriously, it does work. If you are a mean old cussedly bitch, criticise everybody and everything, people are going to stay away from you. Who wants to be friends with a moaning whingebag? If you are sociable, people generally tend to gravitate towards you. So, I'd have to say that for me the top quality required, is to be a good friend first. Show the other mugs how it's done. Let them reflect your goodness.
Honesty
A genuine friend is someone who doesn't lie to you. If something's bugging them, and you say, "What's cooking Dude?" and they reply, "Nothing my little petal," and you can see something is bothering them. Then they're not being honest. Friends should feel comfortable enough with each other to share their feelings, unhappiness, thoughts, ideas, and all that kind of mumbo jumbo stuff. If another so-called friend is bad-mouthing you behind your back, a genuine friend will come and tell you and help you to work out a plan of revenge. If your revenge plan is a little out of whack, a good friend should be honest enough to tell you that your plan sucks big time. And if your friend is honest with you and you don't like what they say, don't pick up the cast iron frying pan and hit them over the head, because that is just not nice.
Loyalty
A true friend remains loyal during times of stress and strife. They don't take a knife and go for the jugular and jump on the bandwagon with all the other simple-minded weak-willed friends. A good friend will stand by you whatever the circumstances. Of course, you need to practise showing loyalty yourself. When your friend finds themselves in a spot of bother, stay loyal and true to them. Don't lift up your skirt, remove your stilettos and sprint off into the sunset never to return. Otherwise, they'll do the same to you.
Make sacrifices
A simply awesome amazing super duper friend, will even make sacrifices for you. When you're a bit skint and payday is only a week away, they might advance you some much-needed money to pay your electricity bill. Always make sure you pay them back before leaving town, as they'll think twice about sacrificing their beer money for you again. Making sacrifices for each other is what compromising and being flexible is all about. If you want to go to see Harry Twatter and your friend wants to see Goldilocks and the Three Bare Boys, one of you has to sacrifice what you want to be able to reach a compromise. Just a little tip. Don't always make your friend be the one to make the sacrifices. Sometimes it's quite spiritual to make sacrifices yourself. You feel good about yourself then. Okay, if they need one of your kidneys, that might be taking it a bit far. But it would be great if they gave you one of their kidneys when you needed it. Or their liver, lungs or heart.
Kindness
A good friend is always kind and shares. Generosity is very important. If they sit at the movies and don't share their popcorn or box of Maltezers, then they are not showing the quality of kindness. If they accidentally start to goosestep and kick your mangy little maltese poodle mutt with each step, then they are not showing kindness to animals. If they can't be kind to your dog, chances are, they can't be kind to you. People can show kindness in many ways. Not necessarily giving money to the legless cross-eyed lesbian in a wheelchair begging at the traffic lights. Being kind can be something simple like not joining in when a group of friends are analysing and dissecting an absent friend. If both you and your friend need to pee urgently and there's only one available toilet, then an act of kindness would be to let the other person go first while you just bravely clamp your legs and your teeth shut tightly. Someone who is mean to others, might not show kindness to you should you find yourself in a situation when you really need an act of kindness.
Helpful
A good friend is not one who tells you that the meal you slaved over for hours tasted good and then they leave or sit and watch TV while you slave over the dishes. A good friend is one who helps with the washing up. A good friend won't sit with a smirk or smug expression while you struggle alone. They'll leave their comfort zone and help out. Basically, a good friend knows when it's time to help and time to support.
Supportive
If you think of yourself as a double D boob, without support of a bra, that boob will droop down to your belly button, and even your knees, so that you kick them while you walk. Now, while that might help a soccer player practising ball control, that is of no use to you. You need that bra to support those pendulous sagging boobs. Just like your boobs need a bra, you need a supportive friend who'll be there when the going gets tough, through thick and thin. You don't want a friend, that when the going gets tough, they leave. A supportive friend counsels you, sets you up with a hot date, and lends you their car if you don't have one to go on the date. A supportive friend will meet you at the airport when you get back from an amazing holiday in Zanzibar while they've been working 9 to 5 in a dreary office with coffee rings on the desks.
Share interests
A great friend is someone who shares the same interests as you. It would be pointless going on and on about how exciting a game of golf is, when your friend can't see the point of smacking the shit out of a little dimpled white ball that did nothing to you, and then walking bloody miles to find it. The same as if you are crazy about spending a Saturday afternoon shopping with friends and having a cappuccino and cheesecake at Starbucks with all your shopping bags, and your friend gets the jitters when someone says the word shopping, breaks out in a rash and starts gnashing their teeth, they wouldn't share your shopping interest with you and would be no fun at all. Fun is very important. However, it is not recommended to have too much fun sharing the same sexual partner. Sharing a love interest will only end in tears.
Respect
A friend who treats you and speaks to you like you are the piece of dog doo stuck under their shoe is not worth having as a friend at all. They need to respect your views and opinions, respect your space, just generally respecting who you are. A friend is not showing respect when they try to change you into something you're not. A friend who does not allow you alone time and is constantly invading your space is being disrespectful. Remember, you need to show respect first, to gain respect.
Trust
Trust is mega-important as a quality. If you can't trust your friend with your confidences and secrets, then they aren't a very good friend at all. If you are scared to leave your handbag lying around as you believe that your friend might swipe some of your hard-earned cash from your Prada wallet, then they are not trustworthy and no point in having around as a friend. You have to be able to trust that your friend has your best interests at heart all the time, and won't step on you to achieve their own ends. You have to be able to trust that your friend will build you up when you are down. If there is no trust, and you are constantly on guard and suspicious, looking for signs that you are being used and abused, then trust is definitely lacking.
Remember, you yourself need to show all these qualities first and be a good friend yourself, before you can expect people to show these qualities back to you in return.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
